Filed under: FAKE LIE STORIES THAT ARE NOT REAL Mission: Floyd, Part Two By Patrick Vint Oct 27, 2011, 12:13pm CDT Share this story Share this on Facebook Share this on Twitter Share All sharing options Share All sharing options for: Mission: Floyd, Part Two Reddit Pocket Flipboard Email Back at Freedom Squad HQ We can't dwell on this catastrophe. We can't let this stop us. We have to push forward. We have to get the pig back. Drill Sergeant, who do we have in reserves? GENERAL WE HAVE TWO TOP PROSPECTS ONE IS READY TO GO. HE IS A PROVEN LEADER AND CAN STEP IN FOR STANZI TODAY THE OTHER IS A BIT OF A REBEL. WE'RE GOING TO NEED SOME TIME WITH HIM. WE DON'T HAVE ANY TIME, SERGEANT! GET THEM IN HERE ASAP! Iowa Indoor Practice Facility /throws fly route for touchdown /throws frozen rope 15-yard out /scrambles for first down /runs 4 minute mile /scores 1600 on SAT BEEP BEEP Gotta go, Coach. But wait, don't you want your massage? /shrugs off shoulder rub No time. Gotta get to Freedom Squad headquarters. It's time to do my duty. Meanwhile, at a bar in rural Iowa City It's time to do my doody. /poops in shoe lulz /chugs beer /throws bottle across bar That's it, Derby! Get out of here before I call the cops! belch You can't throw me out, because I'm going to be quarterback! Just you watch! I'm gonna do it! /staggers out of bar /punches bus window You're under arrest, mister! The next morning, at the Johnson County Jail Derby! You have a visitor. blergh where am I? You're at rock bottom, son. What do you want, old man? Derby, I'm Sergeant Hulka, and I work for Freedom Squad. We travel the world and defend freedom and liberty from communists and hippies and rodents. And, right now, we want you. We'd talk to the judge and get you out of jail, and then you'd come work with us. We need you to help stop Minnesota and bring back Floyd of Rosedale. You'd be working with James Vandenberg to Vandenberg? Not. Interested. Well, we'd move you to linebacker. Why would I do that? I'm a quarterback, old man, and Vandenberg is my competition. WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM HERE, AJ! Not me. I'm on Team Derby. Team Derby looks like a loser to me. Here's my card. Call me if you change your mind. bleep bloop bleep How did it go? He's out. Give him some time. He'll come around. /lays down on cot to take a nap, dozes off vroom vroom /looks around for motorcycle VROOM VROOM /keeps looking VROOOOOOOOOOM AAAAAAHHHHHH! DERBY What the hell are you? I AM THE GHOST OF J LEMAN Pretty badass, right? Hell yeah it is. Listen to me, Derby. Drop the A from your first name, move to linebacker, and help Freedom Squad avenge me or I will haunt you for the rest of your days. Have you ever heard a motorcycle go by your house in the middle of the night? Now imagine that every minute of every day. But I am a quarterback Not anymore. Either you become a destroyer of worlds or I will destroy yours! BWAHAHAHAHA! AAAAHHH! /sits up on cot /calls Sergeant Hulka Hulka, it's J Derby. Yes, AJ. No, it's just J. And I'm in. More From Black Heart Gold Pants Iowa Football Stat Watch Week 5: 33 Yards Machine Learning Week 5 - Now Interactive! Make your picks and see if BHGP can out-pick BizarroMath + Updated Iowa Game by Game Projections, Season Record, and Championship Odds Iowa Football Stock Watch: Offensive Competence? How Does Iowa’s Defense Matchup Against JJ McCarthy and Michigan’s Offense? KIRK SPEAKS: Michigan Iowa Football: Are Lineup Changes Needed to Help the Hawkeye Offense?