Back at Freedom Squad HQ
We can't dwell on this catastrophe.
We can't let this stop us.
We have to push forward.
We have to get the pig back.
Drill Sergeant, who do we have in reserves?
GENERAL
WE HAVE TWO TOP PROSPECTS
ONE IS READY TO GO. HE IS A PROVEN LEADER AND CAN STEP IN FOR STANZI TODAY
THE OTHER IS A BIT OF A REBEL. WE'RE GOING TO NEED SOME TIME WITH HIM.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY TIME, SERGEANT! GET THEM IN HERE ASAP!
/throws fly route for touchdown
/throws frozen rope 15-yard out
/scrambles for first down
/runs 4 minute mile
/scores 1600 on SAT
BEEP BEEP
Gotta go, Coach.
But wait, don't you want your massage?
/shrugs off shoulder rub
No time. Gotta get to Freedom Squad headquarters.
It's time to do my duty.
Meanwhile, at a bar in rural Iowa City
It's time to do my doody.
/poops in shoe
lulz
/chugs beer
/throws bottle across bar
That's it, Derby! Get out of here before I call the cops!
belch
You can't throw me out, because I'm going to be quarterback! Just you watch! I'm gonna do it!
/staggers out of bar
/punches bus window
You're under arrest, mister!
The next morning, at the Johnson County Jail
Derby! You have a visitor.
blergh where am I?
You're at rock bottom, son.
What do you want, old man?
Derby, I'm Sergeant Hulka, and I work for Freedom Squad.
We travel the world and defend freedom and liberty from communists and hippies and rodents.
And, right now, we want you.
We'd talk to the judge and get you out of jail, and then you'd come work with us.
We need you to help stop Minnesota and bring back Floyd of Rosedale. You'd be working with James Vandenberg to
Vandenberg? Not. Interested.
Well, we'd move you to linebacker.
Why would I do that? I'm a quarterback, old man, and Vandenberg is my competition.
WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME TEAM HERE, AJ!
Not me. I'm on Team Derby.
Team Derby looks like a loser to me.
Here's my card. Call me if you change your mind.
bleep bloop bleep
How did it go?
He's out.
Give him some time. He'll come around.
/lays down on cot to take a nap, dozes off
vroom vroom
/looks around for motorcycle
VROOM VROOM
/keeps looking
VROOOOOOOOOOM
AAAAAAHHHHHH!
DERBY
What the hell are you?
I AM THE GHOST OF J LEMAN
Pretty badass, right?
Hell yeah it is.
Listen to me, Derby. Drop the A from your first name, move to linebacker, and help Freedom Squad avenge me or I will haunt you for the rest of your days.
Have you ever heard a motorcycle go by your house in the middle of the night? Now imagine that every minute of every day.
But I am a quarterback
Not anymore. Either you become a destroyer of worlds or I will destroy yours! BWAHAHAHAHA!
AAAAHHH!
/sits up on cot
/calls Sergeant Hulka
Hulka, it's J Derby.
Yes, AJ.
No, it's just J. And I'm in.