Scene: The Outback Bowl. Penn State and Florida have battled to a 30-24 score late in the fourth quarter. Penn State has the ball, and quarterback Matt McGloin is trying to drive his team down the field for the winning score.
YOU CAN DO IT
THROW A TOUCHDOWN IMMEDIATELY
I TRUST YOU COMPLETELY, RED-HEADED AND NOODLE-ARMED WALK-ON
Um, coach, you gave me a scholarship to come here, and you didn't give one to that guy, and he is blowing yet another game for us. I'm finally healthy now, so I'm ready to start playing as much as I did during the first half of the season when I was starting. Also I am not even 20 years old so I am totally fucking irrational.
WHO ARE YOU
ugggghhhhhhhhhh
I want to transfer.
BE QUIET FOR ONCE AND OBSERVE MY BEST QUARTERBACK EVE /throws his fifth interception of the game
Matt McGloin throws his fifth interception of the game.
WHAT
Ahmad Black slowly returns the interception unimpeded.
This player was told he was too slow for football over and over!
He sure was!
How ironic that he returns an interception for a touchdown when everyone was in agreement that he is molasses in a secondary!
/doesn't even bother trying to chase Black
This return is heroically taking forever! He runs a leader-like 5.2 40!
Ahmad Black scores a touchdown to seal the victory for Florida.
WHAT WAS THAT
THAT GANG OF SCOUNDRELS MUST HAVE CHEATED
THAT INTERCEPTION RETURN TOOK FORTY AND TWO SECONDS, AND NOBODY ON MY ENTIRE TEAM WAS THERE TO TACKLE THIS OBESE, SLOVENLY DEFENSIVE BACK BEFORE HE SCORED
THIS IS UNNATURAL
/keeps just standing there
Seriously, coach, if this the guy you're going to put out at quarterback instead of me, I'm just going to go somewhere else while I'm still young.
THAT IS OKAY
WHO ARE YOU AGAIN AND WHAT POSITION DO YOU PLAY
I'm Robert Bolden, your backup quarterback. Now, can I transfer already?
OH
Wait. I can't?
NO
I NEED YOU NOW
You completely screwed me over once I was healthy and you lied to me about playing time, and now the season is over for the next eight months. I'm done with this. I'm going somewhere else
ABSOLUTELY NOT, YOUNG ROBERT
I WAS TRICKED INTO HANDING MY QUARTERBACK POSITION TO A DIRTY IRISHER
Wait, isn't "McGloin" Scottish?
DOES IT SOUND LIKE DOG VOMIT
Um... mic-glo-een... no, not really.
THEN IT IS NOT THE NOBLE SCOTTISH
THIS IS EVERY SCOTTISH WORD EVER
LAPHROAIGFRAOGHRAFLAGLLAPHLAIG
Point taken, coach.
ROBERT IS A SCOTTISH NAME
But didn't you just say all Sco
I LIKE YOU ROBERT
Well, thank you, I think. But I truly hate it here and I have zero motivation to actually help this football team. You took away a starting role from a true freshman and this is what happens. Do you really want to depend on a quarterback who's going to approach the game with all the commitment and intensity of Ken Griffey Jr. during his first four years with the Cincinnati Reds?
IT'S EITHER THAT OR A RED-HEADED ASSCHILD SO FRANKLY I LIKE MY ODDS
That's it, I'm going to the press and telling them how pissed off I am at you
IS THAT SO
I SEE
And I'll tell them everybody on the team agrees that I should be allowed to transfer.
WELL THEN
I'm already getting texts from prospective coaches! Check this out.
Hello, Robert! This is Randy Edsall! Word on the street is that you're feeling crappy at PSU.
Well let me be the first to invite you to my new school, Massachusetts!
You can transfer to Massachusetts, a traditional I-AA power, without even losing a year of eligibility, so you can win a championship the very next year!
Wait... crap. Crap crap crap. Disregard everything I said before. I apparently signed with Maryland.
I guess that's why I got so much money.
Um... what I meant was Maryland is my dream job!
God damn it.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SMARTER THAN EVERY OTHER COACH IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL
Ugggghhhhhhhhh.
I WIN AGAIN