It should be obvious that we need to make some changes for the upcoming game against the Ball State.......I just had to google their mascot........Cardinals. Clearly there were some mistakes made last Saturday and if we want to get back on the right track, these mistakes need to be fixed. I'm not talking about the play-calling, the special teams execution or the running game. I'm talking about what you did. Yeah, fucker, I'm talking to you. What the holy hell did you do? Did you wear your socks with the red stripes on them? Were you drinking blended whiskey instead of your usual single malt? Did you use a 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner for the first time? Well...whatever you did, you fucked up.
This is a Ball State cheerleader. That's all I have to say about that.
But you know what? It was my fault too. I've been replaying last Saturday over and over in my head and I know I need to make some adjustments for the upcoming game day. Pretty sure if I make the following modifications this Saturday that the Hawks will get back in the W column:
- I'm going to start drinking right when I wake up. Last week I planned a nice little Saturday and went to Home Depot to buy some wallpaper and maybe some flooring, you know, stuff like that. I made it all the way until 7pm MST before I had a drink, which is ridiculous for me even for a non-football Saturday. My day of sobriety almost certainly fucked something up.
- I'm going to stop being a cheap asshole and make queso dip the proper way. Last week I bought some bullshit called "Nice n Cheesy" because it was a dollar cheaper than Velveeta along with Kroger-brand diced tomatoes and chiles instead of Ro-tel. I didn't really taste much difference, but it's pretty obvious that in the end a bigger price was paid.
- I'm going to wear real Iowa gear. Last week I wore a black and gold hat with my company's logo on it and a gold t-shirt that has a sketch drawing of a guy that I always thought looked like a very young Hayden Fry. To the untrained eye I looked like a Hawkeye fan, but nothing I wore actually had the word Iowa on it. This week I'm going head-to-toe Hawkeye, right down to my tigerhawk banana hammock.
- I need to get my wife the fuck out of the house. She's not an Iowa fan. Her only motivation for wanting the Hawkeyes to win is so I'm not a huge grumpy asshole for 4 days. Last week she came downstairs every 20 minutes to ask what the score was. Pretty much every time she showed up, something godawful had just happened. Luckily this is America, so I live less than 10 minutes from a mall. $300 worth of ladyshoes is a small price to pay for a Hawkeye victory.
- No betting on the game. This was just stupid. I never bet on Iowa games. Last week, though, I loved Iowa as a gametime underdog. Nothing like getting kicked in the sack by a donkey when you're down. This Saturday the only bet I'm taking is the weekly poll winner. Well....that and Oregon State +17.5.
- I will not say aloud the name of any Iowa running back. I've been telling my friends since February that Jewel would be the starter by Penn State. More recently I made the mistake of announcing that Jewel would score twice last week and would end up with more yards than (the other guy). AIRBHG heard me. AIRBHG hears everything.
- I'm going to talk up Ball State at work and act nervous all week. Sorry Stoopsy, but it needs to be done. Last week I wasn't afraid to tell everyone within earshot that Arizona was going to get rolled by double digits. Monday mornings are bad enough without having to eat a big pile of shit every 10 minutes. This week I'll be making sure everyone knows that Ball State completely dominates the........i just had to google their conference.......MAC every single year.
As you can see I'm doing my part, so you need to do yours. Seriously, let's not blow this again. We're better than this. Step your game up. Please use the comment section to absolve yourself of last week's wrongdoings and tell us how you're going to make up for it this week.