Former Hawkeye wrestlers Brent Metcalf and Mike Zadick are headed to Mother Russia this week to end communism kick ass, take names, and win some World Championship gold. Naturally BHGP wishes them well, although thanks to the handy dandy BHGP Time Machine, we already know what's going to happen. Because we love you so much, we thought we'd share the details
Hey Brent, guess what?
What?
In America, you watch Shark Week; in soviet Russia, Shark Week watches you!
...
Ha ha!
First, that doesn't even make sense. Second, it's stolen from a goddamn Dos Equis ad. Third, those jokes were lame before I was even born. Fourth, the Soviet Union's been dead for twenty years.
Um.
Anyway, it's time to check-in. I think this is the line. Uh, excuse me, are you in line?
I MUST BREAK YOU.
Uh, what? Why are you wearing boxing gloves?
IF HE DIES... HE DIES.
Wrong sport, asshole. Um, excuse me, are you in line?
OK, good. Mike, over here.
Is what true?
You Americans have come all the way to Russia homeland to taste defeat at hands of superior Russian athletes?
Well, we are here to compete in the World Championships. We aren't here to lose, though.
You will lose because of your weak American genetics and your pathetic training. Allow me to sing to prove glory of Russia.
Oh lord.
You dare besmirch glory and honor of proud Russian national anthem?
The song's probably fine. I've heard cats being strangled that sounded better than you.
You insult me? Foolish American lapdog, I challenge you to a match to settle this. You go find partners and then you take on my team, winner take all, no takebacks.
Tag team? Uh, I'm here to wrestle solo in freestyle competition, three rounds, funky scoring, and -- oh fuck it, you're on.
Hah! Stupid American pig, you cannot hope to compete with the team I have assembled. I give you... "The Russian Bear" Ivan Koloff!
GRRRRR.
...
And man who hates America as much as us... the Iron Sheik!
You scum. Piece of shit. Worthless American crap-pig.
Ha HA. You are fucked, puny little American loser.
Nah, I don't think so. See, I wasn't crazy enough to come all the way to Russia by myself.
What filthy American cockroach dogs come with you?
A certain former gold medalist..
OH IT'S TRUE, IT'S DAMN TRUE... I've got three I's for you Russian knuckleheads: intensity, integrity, and intelligently breaking your damn ankle.
A former American hero...
You insult the stars and stripes and you deal with Mr. America, brother!
Is no "Mr. America!" That's Hulk fucking Hogan!
I don't know what you're talking about, brother. I'm just a patriotic son of the red, white, and blue. Say your prayers and eat your vitamins, 'cause HU-- er, MR. AMERICA's gonna run all over you!
And last but not least... Sgt. Slaughter!
ARE YOU COMMIE MAGGOTS READY TO ENTER A WORLD O' PAIN, COURTESY O' TH' SARGE?
/Slaughter turns, grabs a folding chair, slams it over the back of Mr. America, throws down his hat and dons an ushanka
BAH GAWD! AH DON'T BELIEVE WHAT AH JUST SAW! SGT. SLAUGHTER HAS JOINED FORCES WITH THE RUSSIANS! HE'S TURNED HIS BACK ON AMERICA -- AGAIN!
Idiot American! Sgt. Slaughter is no your teammate... because is mine!
/Slaughter turns and slams the folding chair on the Iron Sheik, rips off the ushanka, and ties on an American flag bandanna.
BAH GAWD! AH DON'T BELIEVE WHAT AH JUST SAW! SGT. SLAUGHTER HAS TURNED HIS BACK ON THE RUSSIANS! HE'S REJOINED AMERICA!
You know what? This is stupid. Fuck it. I've got a gold medal to go win. You tools just settle this yourselves.
BHGP wishes Zadick and Metcalf luck as they go for gold at the World Championships.