Those who were regulars to The Pants during the 2009 season may recall last year's team was somehow able to win games despite a myriad of reasons for why they absolutely shouldn't have. Let's review the Top Ten Reasons (plus two as a bonus) Iowa should have lost list -- from last year, listed by game. And yes no, we will have no business winning any games this year either (hint, hint). Without further ado, a drive down memory lane...
1. Top Ten Reasons Why Iowa Will Lose to UNI
No. 5. The Lake Wobegon Effect. Social psychologists argue that most people believe themselves to be better than average in those things they try hard at. This tendency of the average person to believe he or she is better than they really are is known as the Lake Wobegon effect. Thanks to Ferentz and his hubristic ways, Iowa's football team has it, and it's going to kill us on Saturday.
2. Top 10 Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Iowa State
No. 8. Minute Rice. Holy Fong! ISU pilfered superstar O-coordinator Tom Herman from the Rice Owls (and we all know that ISU is no Rice Owls). He has taken the spread offense and pumped it with human growth hormone. No huddles. Shifting. Motion. Shotgun. Quadruple Options. Double Salchows. Inward Summersaults. They got it all. And we...well, we will employ our defensive philosophy of bending over backward, while trying not to shatter into a thousand pieces.
3. Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Arizona
No. 5. Nic Grigsby. Whose name is an anagram for Run Your Ass Over.
4. Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Pennsylvania State University
No. 7. "Ward, go easy on the Beaver." The Nittany Lions play in the largest football stadium in North America, and third largest in the world. Beaver Stadium as it is called, is not named after a semi-aquatic rodent or even after the beloved TV character made famous by Jerry Mathers. It is apparently named for former Pennsylvania governor and one-time interim University President, James "Sugar Walls" Beaver who was known as Ole Pink Eye by his closest acquaintances. When those fans, considered the 107,282nd man by players and coaches, collectively recite their message of dread with the famous cheer "We are...Penn State" directed squarely at the opposition, it is nothing short of...a patently obvious claim that seems truthful and accurate.
5. Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Arkansas State
No. 2. Y2009K. Not since 12:01am of 2000 have we seen these kinds of widespread computer malfunctions in America. In a chilling reminder of Y2K-type computer error, two national college football computer polls ranked Iowa the best team in the nation this past week. Programmers for both polls were aghast when on Sunday morning their computer readouts revealed the Hawkeyes number one. Said Steve Urkel of the Colley Matrix poll, "it was an unfortunate oversight that will be corrected. As I speak we are reformulating our algorithms to properly reflect more poorly on those teams that earn double digit road wins within conference, played at night, broadcast in primetime against highly ranked teams from Pennsylvania that wear white." Urkel was quick to defend computer rankings though, "Understand that human voters have built-in biases, conflicts of interests or just an overall lack of knowledge whereas a computer is rigorously impartial, beholden to no interest group, and able to draw upon all the crucial statistical data that yields a fair, consistent, and credible outcome. But when we saw Iowa on top we were like, dude."
6. Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Michigan
No. 5. Apocalypse Now. I think by now even the most ardent Iowa fan would concede that the Hawkeyes just cannot defend the spread offense. And now after suffering the indignity of the Arkansas State "woodshed" game they are faced with the spread offense to end all spread offenses. Whereas Arkansas State bored Iowa to a slow death with their predictable, Pop Warner version of the spread, we now get Michigan's spread which Rich Rodriguez dreamed up instead of finishing his dissertation on mathematical physics. Researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and NASA using the newest supercomputer programmed a simulation of the Iowa defense against the Michigan spread offense and after 72 hours of computations the massive supercomputer spit out Norm Parker shivering, naked and mumbling "never get out of the boat. Never get out of the boat!"
Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right.
7. Top 10 Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Wisconsin
No. 10. Lost. Watching the Hawkeyes play is like surviving a plane crash. Sure, once the game is over you're happy to be alive, but then you gather yourself, take stock and wonder if you haven't just been dealt a fate worse than death. This Hawkeye season has outstripped any script J.J. Abrams could concoct. For the next episode expect everyone on the island to be obliterated by a heavy-set carnivore from the weasel family.
8. Top 10 Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Michigan State
No. 5. Things To Do In East Lansing When You're Dead. Sure, Iowa is 2-0 in night games this year. So you're thinking by now Iowa has mastered the late start? Of course, there are late starts and then there are late starts in East Lansing. We're talking about a city whose hottest attraction is a campus milk store and once you've ordered your double scoop of the Sesquicentennial Swirl your left to twiddle your thumbs for an entire afternoon (or you could break it up by paying a visit to The Bug House). Past visiting teams in town for a night game may not have died of boredom waiting for game time, but they certainly entered the stadium on collective life support. Don't be shocked to see the Swarm devolved to a Bataan Death March-like crawl into the stadium on Saturday.
9. Top 10 Reasons Iowa Will Lose to Indiana
No. 3. Eerie, Indiana. Be afraid, be very freaking afraid. Look, as it is, bad things happen when Iowa plays a so-called inferior opponent at home...playing one on Halloween? Crawl under the sheets, cover your eyes, and say your prayers. And for God sake, DON'T ANSWER THE FUCKING DOOR! When Indiana comes knocking this Saturday just know that they've beaten Iowa in two of the last three games, and that includes a 38-20 romp over the Hawkeyes in Kinnick in 2007. When evil lurks outside those trapped on the inside start to turn on each other. Do not go to Kinnick this Saturday. You've been warned.
10. Top Ten Reasons Why Iowa Will Lose to Northwestern
No. 3. Wildcat Nation. Does any team have a more fervent or ferocious following than the Northwestern Wildcats? Expect Wildcat Nation to descend upon Iowa City with Oxfords shined, Navy Blazers pressed, and Blackberry's fully charged ready to turn Kinnick into Ryan Field South on Saturday. When they all break into song with their "Go U Northwestern" and chant, "Spread far the fame or our fair name, Go! Northwestern win that game." You know you're status is...done.
Bonus:
1. Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will Beat The Motherfucking Shit Out Of Ohio State!
No. 5. The Eyes Have It. Buckeyes v. Hawkeyes? In the Rochambeau of nicknames, I'll take bird over nut, all day long.
2. Top Ten Reasons Why Iowa Will Lose to The Georgian Institutional Polytechnologically University *
No. 5. Tradition. John Heisman, for whom the Heisman trophy is named, and Bobby Dodd, for whom the Bobby Dodd Coach of the Year Award is named, both were at Georgia Tech. The school has two official nicknames, the "Yellow Jackets" and the "Ramblin' Wreck", and two mascots, a 1930 Ford Model A Sports Coupe called, ironically enough, The "Ramblin' Wreck" and the yellow jacket "Buzz." Georgia Tech's first four bowl game appearances, the Rose Bowl, Orange Bowl, Cotton Bowl, and Sugar Bowl, marked the first time a team had competed in all four of the Major Bowl Games. And this is only a sampling of the deep, rich gold that is Georgia Tech football tradition. Cynics will remind everyone that Georgia Tech lacks its own Heisman Trophy winner, but look for all that history and pomp to be just too much for little ‘ol Iowa to overcome--and expect Adrian Clayborn to be most affected.
For the 2010 season The Top Ten Reasons will post dutifully every Tuesday. God we're fucked.