The Hawkeye Fidelity Test 1.0

As football season peaks over the horizon of summer, it's time to sharpen your focus on that which matters most dearly to you, Iowa Hawkeyes Football. A fan such as you could easily believe he knows all that is needed to know about the Hawkeyes, but this is not a matter for blind faith. Sidle up to the mirror and do us all this one favor...look yourself squarely in the eyes and ask yourself this question, "Do you know the new Hawkeyes, I mean really know them?" Okay, you're an avid reader and you get around on these here internets, so maybe you do. But Holy Fong...maybe you don't! Calm down though as there are ways to figure all this out.

These days if you are silly (and flabby) enough to join a fitness club -- what used to be more properly called a "gym" back in the 1990s 1980s 1970s -- among the first things your $99/month will get you as a new member is a fitness test, presumably so you can discover just what it is you need to work on. If you're like most men, it's obviously your belly, and if you're like most women it's your ass, but that's what's called a tangent. Stay focused! The same idea applies right here at BHGP, each new season we offer you a test of your fitness for fandom.

I know, I know, you think you're already in top Hawkeye shape so why take a test? Because tests seldom lie, that's why. So while you may be the kind of person who summarily says "no thanks!" to the free fitness test, you need to wake up John Candy and Asstasia. We can acccept that you're not about to allow anyone to clip a caliper to your arm giblets and read off your body fat over the fitness center loudspeaker, but in this BHGP world you live in you need to break with your convention and come to Jesus about your fandom by taking the Hawkeye Fidelity Test 1.0. Otherwise, you're nothing more than a Hawkeye charlatan...and a flabby one at that. Let the wake-up call begin. 

The scoring is simple. Every answer is worth points, add them up as you go along and at the end of the quiz is the scale. Advice: Be painfully honest. Don't cheat yourself out of the truth of who you are and what you have become. Look here, in your heart of hearts you know everyone else knows the deal, and after all, you're due back on the planet earth any day now. So why not today? Let the games begin...

1.     Adrian Clayborn owns a pit bull puppy named:

a.     Ace (7 points)

b.     Queen (no points)

c.     Jack (no points)

d.     Angerer (1 point)

 

2.     Ricky Stanzi was born:

a.     In a Cross-fire Hurricane (1 point)

b.     To Be Alive (no points)

c.     In Mentor, Ohio (5 points)

d.     In 1987, but was "Made in U.S.A." (7 points)

 

3.     Kirk Ferentz has how many children?

a.     4 (no points)

b.     5 (5 points)

c.     6 (no points)

d.     134  (7 points)

 

4.     In high school, Tyler Sash played:

a.     Wide receiver (2 points)

b.     Defensive Back (2 points)

c.     With his nutsack (3 points)

d.     All of the above (7 points)

 

5.     Ken O'Keefe's nickname within the football team is:

a.     Mad Genius (no points)

b.     Blotchy (3 point)

c.     Coachy Coach and the Funky Bunch (2 points)

d.     Mrs. Doubtfire (7 points)

 

6.     DJK stands for:

a.     Derrell Johnson-Koulianos (7 points)

b.     Dark Jedi Knight (5 points)

c.     Day Job Killer (5 points)

d.     Disc Jockey Koulianos (uh, no points)

 

7.     Wyatt Suess:

a.     Is the son of former Hawkeye quarterback Phil Suess (7 points)

b.     Wrote Green Eggs and Ham (no points)

c.     Was an American officer of the law in various Western frontier towns (no points)

d.     Is yelled by defensive players whenever they make an interception (1 point)

 

8.     DiBona is:

a.     The last name of a sophomore linebacker for the Iowa Hawkeyes (7 points)

b.     One of several terms used by Hawkeye players to describe the sensation created when first entering a whirlpool (no points)

c.     Is yelled by defensive players whenever they make an interception (1 point)

d.     Is a commonly used term for making a silly mistake (2 points)

 

9.     This year one Iowa Hawkeye player was selected to the Playboy Pre-season All-America team. That player is:

a.     Adrian Clayborn (7 points)

b.     Adrian Clayborn (7 points)

c.     Adrian Clayborn (7 points)

d.     Shane DiBona (no points)

 

10. The jewel of this year's Hawkeye recruiting class is a tight end from Johnsburg, Illinois. His name is:

a.     C.J. Fiedorowicz (7 points)

b.     Fedor Emelianenko (no points)

c.     C.J. Spiller (no points)

d.     Vijay Singh (no points)

 

11. The Outland Trophy award is given annually to the most outstanding offensive or defensive interior linemen. Iowa State center Ben Lamaak has been named to this year's Outland Trophy Watch List. Name the lone Iowa Hawkeye also named on this list:

a.     Adrian Clayborn (no points)

b.     Adrian Clayborn (no points)

c.     Adrian Clayborn (no points)

d.     Karl Klug (7 points)

 

12. "21 Makes Sense" is a broad-based community action organization centered around support of City Council Ordinance No. 10-4388, which amended the minimum bar entry age from 19 years of age to the legal age of 21. Which Hawkeye has recently joined this coalition?

a.     Kirk Ferentz (7 points)

b.     James Ferentz (-1 point)

c.     Jewel Hampton (-3 points)

d.     Ricky Stanzi (no points)

 

13. The Big Ten Network recognized the best of Big Ten sports from the 2009-10 academic year with the third annual Big Ten Network Awards Show. Iowa Football was represented in many categories but was only able to win one award. Which one is it?

a.     Breakout Performer of the Year Award - Adrian Clayborn (1 point)

b.     Men's Coach of the Year - Kirk Ferentz (1 point)

c.     Game of the Year - Iowa v. Ohio State - Football (7 points)

d.     Most Dominating Performance - Paul Chaney, Jr.'s First Quarter Vs. Arkansas State (no points)

 

14. According to the official roster at Hawkeyesport.com, Iowa's heaviest player is:

a.     Riley Reiff, sophomore tackle (no points)

b.     Brandon Scherff, freshman tackle (7 points)

c.     Julian Vandervelde, senior guard (no points)

d.     Brennan Cougill, sophomore center (1 point)

 

15. There are eight Hawkeyes from Iowa City, by far the largest number of players from any one town on the Hawkeye roster. Which is the second most represented, with five players hailing from this city?

a.     St. Louis, MO (7 points)

b.     Cleveland, OH (3 points)

c.     Chicago, IL (no points)

d.     Gayville, SD (no points)

 

16. The Hawkeyes have gone international in their recruiting...finally! This year Iowa has an incoming freshman punter who is from Canberra, Australia. He is 23-year-old Jonny Mullings, a former:

a.     Rugby Player (7 points)

b.     Australian Rules Football Player (1 point)

c.     Crocodile Hunter (3 points)

d.     Background singer for Wolfmother (no points)

 

17. The Hawkeyes coaching staff has long since proven they are able to coach players into new positions that would leave the player's high school coach in awe. One example is Tom Donatell. The high school quarterback arrived on campus and was quickly moved to linebacker. Now going into his junior year he has taken on an astonishing third positional move and is listed as second team. What is Donatell's latest position:

a.     Left Tackle (no points)

b.     Tight End (no points)

c.     Double Reverse Cowgirl (-3 points)

d.     Safety (7 points)

 

18. Which of the following is NOT true of offensive lineman Riley Reiff?

a.     Lettered in golf in high school (no points)

b.     State wrestling champ in South Dakota (-3 points)

c.     Biochemical engineering major with a dual minor in drama and women's studies (7 points)

d.     Led eight police officers on a 20-minute jaunt through downtown Iowa City while half naked before being arrested for public intox and interference with official "acts" (no points)

 

19. Incoming freshman linebacker Jim Poggi is known within the Baltimore music scene as the lead guitarist for the band Due to Get Even which plays which sort of rock music?

a.     1980s pop rock (7 points)

b.     Nu Metal (no points)

c.     Emo (2 points)

d.     Proto-prog rock (no points)

 

20. Defensive coordinator Norm Parker has how many toes left on his poor feet?

a.     1 (-3 points)

b.     7 (no points)

c.     8 (7 points)

d.     9 (1 point)

*****

THE SCALE

So, let's see how you scored???

 

140 points (perfect score)

Look, there's a fine line between being passionate about the Hawkeyes and being the focus of the next episode of Intervention on A&E. This score suggests to me you have crossed over that line. Seek help. Immediately.

 

125 - 139 points

I pity your friends and family during football season. And honestly, so do you.

 

100 - 124 points

You are well informed, up-to-date, and generally a very bright person when it comes to Iowa football. You are also one-dimensional and mortifyingly boooooooring!

 

80 - 99 points

You do your best to stay in touch with Iowa football, you really do. Unfortunately, you are doing a phenomenally piss poor job. You need to reassess your purpose in life and retake this test. Seriously, get your shit together.

 

50 - 79 points

Okay, fun time is over. You can return to your silly Clone Chronicles now.

 

25 - 49 points

I hate to inform you, but we read these questions to a zebra, a fresh water Beta fish and a used Pontiac Aztek, and all scored higher than you. But, hey, welcome to BHGP!

 

0 - 24 points

Oh, well, thanks for playing Plaxico.