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Jamie Pollard Finds ISU a Bowl Game

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Iconphone45_medium  RING RING RING
Wienertown_icon_medium  Hello? Jacobsen Athletic Building, tire center, and Carhartt factory outlet. Jamie Pollard's office.
Iconphone45_medium  grumble grumble grumble
Wienertown_icon_medium  No, Mr. Pollard's not available.  He's busy right now teaching Fred Hoiberg how to make shadow puppets.
Iconphone45_medium  grumble grumble grumble
Wienertown_icon_medium  Oh really?  A bowl game?  Well, let me see if he will take the call.

- Meanwhile, in Jamie Pollard's office -

 

Iconpollard_medium  ...and you just put your right two fingers here for the legs and...there it is!
Hoiberg_medium  YAY A GIRAFFE DO IT AGAIN DO IT AGAIN
Icondoor_medium  KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
Wienertown_icon_medium  Mr. Pollard, there's someone on the phone.
Iconpollard_medium  I'm busy.
Wienertown_icon_medium  Sir...he says he's a bowl rep.
Iconpollard_medium  Bowl rep?  Then put him through!

Iconpollard_medium  This is Jamie Pollard, athletic director at Iowa State University.  We'd be in the Big Ten if we wanted to be!  How can I help you?
Bowlrep_medium  Uh, Mr. Pollard?  This is, um, Dale Sturdevant, Chairman of the Sola Bowl selection committee.
Iconpollard_medium  The...I'm sorry, what bowl?
Bowlrep_medium  The Sola Bowl, Mr. Pollard.  It's a new bowl game, and a new opportunity for a football program just like yours!
Bowlrep_medium  See, we understand your predicament.  Iowa State has to play eight games every season against BCS teams in its conference.
Iconpollard_medium  Nine.
Bowlrep_medium  I beg your pardon?
Iconpollard_medium  Nine.  Under the new Big 12 rules, we play nine conference games against BCS opposition.
Bowlrep_medium  Baylor's still in the BCS?
Iconpollard_medium  Sure they are!  They're a valuable member of the conference.
Bowlrep_medium  I'll be damned.  Fine, ISU plays nine BCS teams, and you have a non-conference game with Iowa on top of that.  How can you be expected to get six wins against that?
Iconpollard_medium  Exactly!
Bowlrep_medium  Meanwhile, two 6-6 teams from mid-major conferences like the Sun Belt or the ACC play each other in a half-empty stadium with coverage on Versus.  Who wants that?
Iconpollard_medium  Nobody!
Bowlrep_medium  So what we did is this: We bought the old Sun Bowl -- after all, it's not like anyone in the Pac-10 wanted to travel to El Paso anymore anyway -- changed the name, and petitioned the NCAA to allow us to bring in any two teams we want, starting in 2011.
Iconpollard_medium  That sounds implausible.
Bowlrep_medium  It is...if "implausible" means brilliant!
Iconpollard_medium  Yes!  Yes, this is brilliant!
Bowlrep_medium  The best part is, we can contract our preferred teams before a game is played and have the game lined up by August 1.  And Iowa State is our top target.
Iconpollard_medium  What was the new name again?
Bowlrep_medium  The Sola Bowl.  It's...um...it's Spanish for Sun.  Mexican border and all, you know?
Iconpollard_medium  Makes sense.  What kind of payout are we talking about here?
Bowlrep_medium  This is the best part.  Brut dropped its sponsorship of the Sun Bowl last year, which is great because nobody has worn Brut cologne since...
Iconpollard_medium  I wear Brut cologne.
Bowlrep_medium  Oh, I should have guessed that.  Sorry.
Bowlrep_medium  Anyway, we were able to get a new sponsorship deal with INKON.  It's a software company.  Huge money.
Iconpollard_medium  Yeah...I've heard of them, I think.
Bowlrep_medium  So, Mr. Pollard, we've got a bowl game.  We've got money.  We've got national television coverage.  And we want your program.
Iconpollard_medium  So you're telling me you want Iowa State to be in the Sola Bowl, presented by INKON?
Bowlrep_medium  Actually, we're thinking we'll just put the sponsor's name up front.  It sounds better that way.
Iconpollard_medium  The INKON Sola Bowl!

Bowlrep_medium  That's the spirit! Are you excited about the Inkon Sola Bowl?

Iconpollard_medium  I am, I am!

Bowlrep_medium  Let me hear you yell it for me, Jamie Pollard!

Iconpollard_medium  INKON-SOLA-BOWLLLLLL!!!
Bowlrep_medium  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA INCONSOLABLE BITCHES  I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT GO HAWKS WOOOOO BLOODPUNCH RULZ!
Iconphone45_medium  (click)
Iconpollard_medium  Hello?...Hello?
Wienertown_icon_medium  What was that, sir?
Iconpollard_medium  Nothing.  Wrong number.
Wienertown_icon_medium  Sir, Fred Hoiberg is in the lobby gnawing through a 64-pack of Crayolas.
Iconpollard_medium  Sadpollard_medium
Iconpollard_medium  /is inconsolable.

- In an office 120 miles away -

Iconferentz_medium  I can't believe he actually fell for that.
Iconbarta_medium  Iowa State bowl game.  That's rich.
Iconferentz_medium  Yeah, more like LOL game, right?
Iconbarta_medium  I thought it was LAWL.
Iconferentz_medium  You're a moron.
Iconbarta_medium  Let's do it again.
Iconferentz_medium  I don't know.  I have to get ready for August practice, Gary.
Iconbarta_medium  Iconbarta90_medium 
Iconferentz_medium  OK, call Danny Hope, pretend to be Jim Delaney, and notify him that the conference is outlawing facial hair in honor of George Steinbrenner's death.
Iconbarta_medium  Want another beer?
Iconferentz_medium  I'm gonna miss the offseason.