RING RING RING
Hello? Jacobsen Athletic Building, tire center, and Carhartt factory outlet. Jamie Pollard's office. grumble grumble grumble No, Mr. Pollard's not available. He's busy right now teaching Fred Hoiberg how to make shadow puppets. grumble grumble grumble Oh really? A bowl game? Well, let me see if he will take the call.
...and you just put your right two fingers here for the legs and...there it is!
YAY A GIRAFFE DO IT AGAIN DO IT AGAIN
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK Mr. Pollard, there's someone on the phone. I'm busy. Sir...he says he's a bowl rep. Bowl rep? Then put him through!
This is Jamie Pollard, athletic director at Iowa State University. We'd be in the Big Ten if we wanted to be! How can I help you?
Uh, Mr. Pollard? This is, um, Dale Sturdevant, Chairman of the Sola Bowl selection committee. The...I'm sorry, what bowl? The Sola Bowl, Mr. Pollard. It's a new bowl game, and a new opportunity for a football program just like yours! See, we understand your predicament. Iowa State has to play eight games every season against BCS teams in its conference. Nine. I beg your pardon? Nine. Under the new Big 12 rules, we play nine conference games against BCS opposition. Baylor's still in the BCS? Sure they are! They're a valuable member of the conference. I'll be damned. Fine, ISU plays nine BCS teams, and you have a non-conference game with Iowa on top of that. How can you be expected to get six wins against that? Exactly! Meanwhile, two 6-6 teams from mid-major conferences like the Sun Belt or the ACC play each other in a half-empty stadium with coverage on Versus. Who wants that? Nobody! So what we did is this: We bought the old Sun Bowl -- after all, it's not like anyone in the Pac-10 wanted to travel to El Paso anymore anyway -- changed the name, and petitioned the NCAA to allow us to bring in any two teams we want, starting in 2011. That sounds implausible. It is...if "implausible" means brilliant! Yes! Yes, this is brilliant! The best part is, we can contract our preferred teams before a game is played and have the game lined up by August 1. And Iowa State is our top target. What was the new name again? The Sola Bowl. It's...um...it's Spanish for Sun. Mexican border and all, you know? Makes sense. What kind of payout are we talking about here? This is the best part. Brut dropped its sponsorship of the Sun Bowl last year, which is great because nobody has worn Brut cologne since... I wear Brut cologne. Oh, I should have guessed that. Sorry. Anyway, we were able to get a new sponsorship deal with INKON. It's a software company. Huge money. Yeah...I've heard of them, I think. So, Mr. Pollard, we've got a bowl game. We've got money. We've got national television coverage. And we want your program. So you're telling me you want Iowa State to be in the Sola Bowl, presented by INKON? Actually, we're thinking we'll just put the sponsor's name up front. It sounds better that way. The INKON Sola Bowl!
That's the spirit! Are you excited about the Inkon Sola Bowl?
I am, I am!
Let me hear you yell it for me, Jamie Pollard!
INKON-SOLA-BOWLLLLLL!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA INCONSOLABLE BITCHES I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FELL FOR THAT GO HAWKS WOOOOO BLOODPUNCH RULZ! (click) Hello?...Hello? What was that, sir? Nothing. Wrong number. Sir, Fred Hoiberg is in the lobby gnawing through a 64-pack of Crayolas. 
/is inconsolable.
- In an office 120 miles away -
I can't believe he actually fell for that.
Iowa State bowl game. That's rich. Yeah, more like LOL game, right? I thought it was LAWL. You're a moron. Let's do it again. I don't know. I have to get ready for August practice, Gary. 
OK, call Danny Hope, pretend to be Jim Delaney, and notify him that the conference is outlawing facial hair in honor of George Steinbrenner's death. Want another beer? I'm gonna miss the offseason.