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Roycean's Eleven

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Scene: a dilapidated concrete shell of a basketball stadium. The basketball court inside is crudely painted with Iowa State iconography. There are numerous misspellings, like "Staite" and "Cyclons." At midcourt, a coach addresses his new player.

Hoiberg_medium I just wanted to thank you again for coming to Iowa State, Royce White.

Iconroycewhite_medium No problem, Coach Fred Hoiberg.

Hoiberg_medium I know that you got in a lot of hot water for that laptop theft case, but we're pleased to let you take the next step here in Ames, away from the media fishbowl in Minneapolis.

Iconroycewhite_medium That means a lot to me, Mr. Coach Hoiberg, I certainly have larger plans for my time here in Ames than all that.

Hoiberg_medium Excellent. Well, we'll bring the other players in here for practice. I'm gonna go play Skee-Ball on my iPhone.

Hoiberg_medium (plays Skee-Ball on his iPhone)

Icondemarcusphillips_medium Welcome to the team, Royce White!

Iconvanderbeken_medium I echo DeMarcus Phillips' sentiments, welcome to the birthplace of computers as we know it!

Icondiantegarrett_medium That's right, Jamie Vanderbeken. In 1941, the very first fully digital electronic computer was built by two Iowa State scientists, John Atanasoff and Clifford Berry.

Iconjakeanderson_medium You're correct, Diante Garrett. In fact, the prefix cyber- is an amalgamation of the first syllables of "Cyclone" and "Berry," in honor of this first computer!

Icondemarcusphillips_medium Just to expand on that information, Darion Anderson, the "official" story is that the Atanasoff-Berry Computer, or "ABC Machine," was dismantled in 1948 after the two scientists had left ISU... but legend has it that is still exists in a back room somewhere on campus!

Iconchrisbabb_medium Why, a historical artifact that doesn't officially exist? I, Chris Babb, do declare: that must be worth millions!

Iconroycewhite_medium Gentlemen... we must steal this computer. 

Icondemarcusphillips_medium We need to assemble our team.

Iconroycewhite_medium Indeed we must.

Hoiberg_medium (continues playing Skee-Ball on his iPhone)

Iconchrisbabb_medium We can't discuss this here. Meet me at the Jacobsen barn at midnight.

At the Jacobsen barn, which is overrun by livestock, hay, and Calvin-peeing-on-things stickers...

Icondemarcusphillips_medium Good, you've made it.

Iconroycewhite_medium Let's steal this damn computer!

Iconjakeanderson_medium Eeeasy, Royce. We're not going to do it without a plan and a team. As you can see, all of us teammates from earlier today are here. Between you and us, that's six people. Here's who we've enlisted to help.

Icondemarcusphillips_medium Tim Floyd, who can use his influence to get us anywhere we need to go.

Icontimfloyd_medium I say we bribe them all!

Icondemarcusphillips_medium Jason Berryman, whose strongarm tactics can mean the difference between success and failure.

Iconberryman_medium Let's all just kick their stupid asses and take their cell phones and money!

Icondemarcusphillips_medium Julius Michalik, for his invaluable Slovenian-English translation skills.

Iconmichalik_julius_medium sir je star ter šablona. kraj je kopalnica.

Icondemarcusphillips_medium And finally, from the Ocean's trilogy, Scott Caan and Casey Affleck.

Iconscottcaan_medium Iconcaseyaffleck_medium We literally had nothing better to do. (start bickering nonstop)

Iconroycewhite_medium I guess that makes... 11. Hmm. So what's the plan?

Iconvanderbeken_medium I've done some research, and apparently there's a map to the computer on the back of the Declaration of Independence.

Iconroycewhite_medium Just another clue.

Icondiantegarrett_medium Tim can get us in there with his money tricks, and then Jamie can decipher the code with his legendary Canadian brain tricks.

Iconvanderbeken_medium We do have to be especially wary of the cyber-police. If they backtrace us...

Icondiantegarrett_medium ...consequences will never be the same.

(everyone gets silently somber for a moment)

Iconroycewhite_medium We have a mission and a team. Let's do this.

(over the course of the next 48 hours, all of which has been consolidated into this one two-word synopsis, "does this")

The team gets to the door of the super-secret room guarding the ABC Machine, only to be met by Hoiberg and athletic director Jamie Pollard.

Hoiberg_medium (shakes head sadly, then plays Nintendo DS)

Iconpollard_medium I'm very disappointed in you. All of you. But especially you, Royce.

Iconroycewhite_medium Yessir.

Iconpollard_medium Your "Roycean's eleven" nearly got away with this plan. But I won't let you.

Iconroycewhite_medium There's just one thing, sir. I've already stolen a computer once.

Iconpollard_medium I'm quite aware! Why, this is certainly grounds for arrest and expulsion!

Iconroycewhite_medium It's not that, sir; it's that, well...

Iconroycewhite_medium ...I guess you could call this caper my "sequel."

Iconpollard_medium Then... this would be Roycean's Twelve? But then who's the twel

Hoiberg_medium (karate chops Pollard in the throat)

Iconpollard_medium hurkkk

Iconpollard_medium (collapses)

Iconroycewhite_mediumHoiberg_medium Boom, baby!!

Icondemarcusphillips_mediumIconvanderbeken_mediumIcondiantegarrett_mediumIconjakeanderson_mediumIconchrisbabb_medium Yayyyy, coach!

Hoiberg_medium C'mon, guys, let's commit grand theft computer!

Iconroycewhite_medium But how will we get it out of here? This thing's enormous!

Iconberryman_medium I've got this one, guys. Lemme use this cell phone acquired through undisclosed means and call a few friends from back in my football days...

Iconcows_medium MOOOOOOOO

Iconroycewhite_medium The Iowa State cheerleaders! Hooray! They're big enough to pull anything!

Hoiberg_medium Except the male gaze, of course!

Iconroycewhite_mediumIcondemarcusphillips_mediumIconvanderbeken_mediumIcondiantegarrett_mediumIconjakeanderson_mediumIconchrisbabb_mediumIconberryman_mediumIcontimfloyd_mediumIconmichalik_julius_mediumIconscottcaan_medium Iconcaseyaffleck_mediumHoiberg_medium Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Iconcows_medium MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WE'RE SO UGLY (drag computer out with everybody riding on their back)

Iconpollard_medium Plollard_medium 

Iconpollard_medium (is inconsolable)