Scene: a dilapidated concrete shell of a basketball stadium. The basketball court inside is crudely painted with Iowa State iconography. There are numerous misspellings, like "Staite" and "Cyclons." At midcourt, a coach addresses his new player.
I just wanted to thank you again for coming to Iowa State, Royce White.
No problem, Coach Fred Hoiberg.
I know that you got in a lot of hot water for that laptop theft case, but we're pleased to let you take the next step here in Ames, away from the media fishbowl in Minneapolis.
That means a lot to me, Mr. Coach Hoiberg, I certainly have larger plans for my time here in Ames than all that.
Excellent. Well, we'll bring the other players in here for practice. I'm gonna go play Skee-Ball on my iPhone.
(plays Skee-Ball on his iPhone)
Welcome to the team, Royce White!
I echo DeMarcus Phillips' sentiments, welcome to the birthplace of computers as we know it!
That's right, Jamie Vanderbeken. In 1941, the very first fully digital electronic computer was built by two Iowa State scientists, John Atanasoff and Clifford Berry.
You're correct, Diante Garrett. In fact, the prefix cyber- is an amalgamation of the first syllables of "Cyclone" and "Berry," in honor of this first computer!
Just to expand on that information, Darion Anderson, the "official" story is that the Atanasoff-Berry Computer, or "ABC Machine," was dismantled in 1948 after the two scientists had left ISU... but legend has it that is still exists in a back room somewhere on campus!
Why, a historical artifact that doesn't officially exist? I, Chris Babb, do declare: that must be worth millions!
Gentlemen... we must steal this computer.
We need to assemble our team.
Indeed we must.
(continues playing Skee-Ball on his iPhone)
We can't discuss this here. Meet me at the Jacobsen barn at midnight.
At the Jacobsen barn, which is overrun by livestock, hay, and Calvin-peeing-on-things stickers...
Good, you've made it.
Let's steal this damn computer!
Eeeasy, Royce. We're not going to do it without a plan and a team. As you can see, all of us teammates from earlier today are here. Between you and us, that's six people. Here's who we've enlisted to help.
Tim Floyd, who can use his influence to get us anywhere we need to go.
I say we bribe them all!
Jason Berryman, whose strongarm tactics can mean the difference between success and failure.
Let's all just kick their stupid asses and take their cell phones and money!
Julius Michalik, for his invaluable Slovenian-English translation skills.
sir je star ter šablona. kraj je kopalnica.
And finally, from the Ocean's trilogy, Scott Caan and Casey Affleck.
We literally had nothing better to do. (start bickering nonstop)
I guess that makes... 11. Hmm. So what's the plan?
I've done some research, and apparently there's a map to the computer on the back of the Declaration of Independence.
Just another clue.
Tim can get us in there with his money tricks, and then Jamie can decipher the code with his legendary Canadian brain tricks.
We do have to be especially wary of the cyber-police. If they backtrace us...
...consequences will never be the same.
(everyone gets silently somber for a moment)
We have a mission and a team. Let's do this.
(over the course of the next 48 hours, all of which has been consolidated into this one two-word synopsis, "does this")
The team gets to the door of the super-secret room guarding the ABC Machine, only to be met by Hoiberg and athletic director Jamie Pollard.
(shakes head sadly, then plays Nintendo DS)
I'm very disappointed in you. All of you. But especially you, Royce.
Yessir.
Your "Roycean's eleven" nearly got away with this plan. But I won't let you.
There's just one thing, sir. I've already stolen a computer once.
I'm quite aware! Why, this is certainly grounds for arrest and expulsion!
It's not that, sir; it's that, well...
...I guess you could call this caper my "sequel."
Then... this would be Roycean's Twelve? But then who's the twel
(karate chops Pollard in the throat)
hurkkk
(collapses)
Boom, baby!!
Yayyyy, coach!
C'mon, guys, let's commit grand theft computer!
But how will we get it out of here? This thing's enormous!
I've got this one, guys. Lemme use this cell phone acquired through undisclosed means and call a few friends from back in my football days...
MOOOOOOOO
The Iowa State cheerleaders! Hooray! They're big enough to pull anything!
Except the male gaze, of course!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WE'RE SO UGLY (drag computer out with everybody riding on their back)
(is inconsolable)