...so if we cancel the satellite dishes we ordered from our former head basketball coach and zero out this ridiculous construction paper budget, we should be able to pay for an assistant basketball coach or two. SECRETARY
Yes sir? Please draft and distribute a memo notifying everyone that we're getting rid of satellite television and construction paper Yes sir, right away. Also, there's some people on line 1 from the NCAA who would like to talk to you. Shit, really? They're probably going to kick us out. Sure am glad I called the NAIA last week. OK, I'll take the call.
Mistah Pollahd, I do declare! Why hello, Mister...I'm sorry, I didn't catch your The name's Beauford T. Coltrane, with the EN-SEE-TWO-AYE. I have you on the newfangled speakahphone, Mistah Pollahd. Also on the line is my colleague, Miss Hot Cop.
Why hello. And Mistah Pollahd, I'm 'fraid you got some 'splainin' to do. We been 'vestigatin you-ah athletic program, and we-ah found some serious violations of NCAA rules. Oh no! Oh yehhhhhs, Mistah Pollahd. Serious violations indeed. Miss Hot Cop will detay-ul the investigation. For starters, Mr. Pollard, the NCAA has learned that your football coaches knew of payments made to a star running back and his family in the early 2000's and did nothing to stop it from happening. I KNEW THAT BASTARD MCCARNEY WOULD...wait, star running back? Yes. If you check your email, I have sent you a picture of the player.
Um, that's Reggie Bush. Yeah, that's right. He played for USC. No he didn't. He's clearly wearing an Iowa State jersey. OK, there are at least three signs he isn't playing for Iowa State in this picture. For one, he's scoring a touchdown We just assumed he was fumblin'. Second, there are fans in the stadium watching the game. We don't have that. In the year that picture was taken, we started Greg Coleman at halfback. He couldn't even start at Montana. We didn't pay Reggie Bush. OK, Mr. Pollard. Even if that is true, you certainly can't deny that your head basketball coach arranged for payments to be made to star high school basketball players. Who did that? McDermott? Morgan? Eustachy? Tim Floyd. Tim Floyd? He was here 15 years ago! Who did he pay, Dedric Willoughby? O.J. Mayo. Jesus Christ. O.J. Mayo did not play for Iowa State. He played for USC. Tim Floyd was once your basketball coach, was he not? Yes. And Tim Floyd coached at the same school where Reggie Bush played, right? Yes. And Reggie Bush wore a uniform that looked disturbingly similar to your school's, correct? sigh Yes, but I can explain everything. It's really just an amazing string of coincidences. See, I have to send an incendiary email to my boosters every month just to get them to give us some farm subsidy money. I can't afford paper clips. My athletics budget includes a line item for construction paper, for Christ's sake. We don't have money to Tell it to the judge. And who is the judge? Well, I am. And I find Miss Hot Cop's case extremely pur-SUAY-sive. I find you guilty, Mistah Pollahd. I am prepay-hed to impose sanctions. For starters, I am ready to impose a two-year postseason ban on you-ah football program. That won't have any effect on you, though. Hey! Wait a minute! We won the Insight Bowl, thank you very much! You will also lose 30 scholarships over the next 3 years. But...but... Mister Pollard, before you speak, just know there's a way out. We can make this all go away. Really? How? I'll do anything. Just answer this question: Which Big Ten team has held you without a touchdown since 2006? Um, that's Iowa. YOU GOD DAMN RIGHT THAT'S IOWA WHOOOOOOOOO SUCK ON THAT POLLARD NANANANANA NANANANANAAAAAA GOOO HAWKS (hangs up the phone) What was that, Mr. Pollard? Nothing. Wrong number. Fred Hoiberg is outside, and he seems pretty excited. OK, send him in.
OMG JAMIE LOOK AT WHAT I DID TODAY
Well, that explains the construction paper.
(Meanwhile, in an office about 120 miles away)
It's almost too easy, you know? He'll buy anything you tell him.
You know he's trying to figure out what he's going to tell Rhoads right now. Oh God, Rhoads is going to rip off his head and piss in his skull. Who should we call next? I don't know, Gary. I have film to watch. 
OK, call Maturi. Tell him we're throwing Minnesota out of the Big Ten so we can pick up Iowa State. The Clones won the Insight Bowl last year, after all. And Minnesota's new locker room is far too opulent for Big Ten standards. Man, offseasons are awesome. Hand me another beer, will ya?