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Iowa State Talks to the NCAA

Monday morning, Jacobson Athletic Building, Iowa State University


Iconpollard_medium if we cancel the satellite dishes we ordered from our former head basketball coach and zero out this ridiculous construction paper budget, we should be able to pay for an assistant basketball coach or two.
Iconpollard_medium SECRETARY
Wienertown_icon_medium Yes sir?
Iconpollard_medium Please draft and distribute a memo notifying everyone that we're getting rid of satellite television and construction paper
Wienertown_icon_medium Yes sir, right away.  Also, there's some people on line 1 from the NCAA who would like to talk to you.
Iconpollard_medium Shit, really? They're probably going to kick us out.  Sure am glad I called the NAIA last week.
Iconpollard_medium OK, I'll take the call.
Boss_hog_icon_medium Mistah Pollahd, I do declare!
Iconpollard_medium Why hello, Mister...I'm sorry, I didn't catch your
Boss_hog_icon_medium The name's Beauford T. Coltrane, with the EN-SEE-TWO-AYE.  I have you on the newfangled speakahphone, Mistah Pollahd.  Also on the line is my colleague, Miss Hot Cop.
Iconsexycop_medium  Why hello.
Boss_hog_icon_medium And Mistah Pollahd, I'm 'fraid you got some 'splainin' to do.
Boss_hog_icon_medium We been 'vestigatin you-ah athletic program, and we-ah found some serious violations of NCAA rules.
Iconpollard_medium Oh no!
Boss_hog_icon_medium Oh yehhhhhs, Mistah Pollahd.  Serious violations indeed.  Miss Hot Cop will detay-ul the investigation.
Iconsexycop_medium For starters, Mr. Pollard, the NCAA has learned that your football coaches knew of payments made to a star running back and his family in the early 2000's and did nothing to stop it from happening.
Iconpollard_medium I KNEW THAT BASTARD MCCARNEY WOULD...wait, star running back?
Iconsexycop_medium Yes.  If you check your email, I have sent you a picture of the player.


Iconpollard_medium Um, that's Reggie Bush.
Iconsexycop_medium Yeah, that's right.
Iconpollard_medium He played for USC.
Iconsexycop_medium No he didn't.  He's clearly wearing an Iowa State jersey.
Iconpollard_medium OK, there are at least three signs he isn't playing for Iowa State in this picture.  For one, he's scoring a touchdown
Boss_hog_icon_medium We just assumed he was fumblin'.
Iconpollard_medium Second, there are fans in the stadium watching the game.  We don't have that.
Iconpollard_medium In the year that picture was taken, we started Greg Coleman at halfback.  He couldn't even start at Montana.  We didn't pay Reggie Bush.
Iconsexycop_medium OK, Mr. Pollard.  Even if that is true, you certainly can't deny that your head basketball coach arranged for payments to be made to star high school basketball players.
Iconpollard_medium Who did that? McDermott?  Morgan?  Eustachy?
Iconsexycop_medium Tim Floyd.
Iconpollard_medium Tim Floyd?  He was here 15 years ago!  Who did he pay, Dedric Willoughby?
Iconsexycop_medium O.J. Mayo.
Iconpollard_medium Jesus Christ.  O.J. Mayo did not play for Iowa State.  He played for USC.
Iconsexycop_medium Tim Floyd was once your basketball coach, was he not?
Iconpollard_medium Yes.
Iconsexycop_medium And Tim Floyd coached at the same school where Reggie Bush played, right?
Iconpollard_medium Yes.
Iconsexycop_medium And Reggie Bush wore a uniform that looked disturbingly similar to your school's, correct?
Iconpollard_medium sigh
Iconpollard_medium Yes, but I can explain everything.  It's really just an amazing string of coincidences.  See, I have to send an incendiary email to my boosters every month just to get them to give us some farm subsidy money.  I can't afford paper clips.  My athletics budget includes a line item for construction paper, for Christ's sake.  We don't have money to
Boss_hog_icon_medium Tell it to the judge.
Iconpollard_medium And who is the judge?
Boss_hog_icon_medium Well, I am.  And I find Miss Hot Cop's case extremely pur-SUAY-sive.  I find you guilty, Mistah Pollahd.  I am prepay-hed to impose sanctions.
Boss_hog_icon_medium For starters, I am ready to impose a two-year postseason ban on you-ah football program. That won't have any effect on you, though.
Iconpollard_medium Hey!  Wait a minute!  We won the Insight Bowl, thank you very much!
Iconsexycop_medium You will also lose 30 scholarships over the next 3 years.
Iconpollard_medium But...but...
Iconsexycop_medium Mister Pollard, before you speak, just know there's a way out.  We can make this all go away.
Iconpollard_medium Really?  How?  I'll do anything.
Iconsexycop_medium Just answer this question: Which Big Ten team has held you without a touchdown since 2006?
Iconpollard_medium Um, that's Iowa.
Boss_hog_icon_medium (hangs up the phone)
Wienertown_icon_medium What was that, Mr. Pollard?
Iconpollard_medium Nothing.  Wrong number.
Wienertown_icon_medium Fred Hoiberg is outside, and he seems pretty excited.
Iconpollard_medium OK, send him in.


Iconpollard_medium    Sadpollard_medium
Iconpollard_medium Well, that explains the construction paper.

(Meanwhile, in an office about 120 miles away)

Iconferentz_medium It's almost too easy, you know?  He'll buy anything you tell him.
Iconbarta_medium You know he's trying to figure out what he's going to tell Rhoads right now.
Iconferentz_medium Oh God, Rhoads is going to rip off his head and piss in his skull.
Iconbarta_medium Who should we call next?
Iconferentz_medium I don't know, Gary.  I have film to watch.
Iconbarta_medium   Iconbarta90_medium
Iconferentz_medium OK, call Maturi.  Tell him we're throwing Minnesota out of the Big Ten so we can pick up Iowa State.  The Clones won the Insight Bowl last year, after all.
Iconbarta_medium And Minnesota's new locker room is far too opulent for Big Ten standards.
Iconferentz_medium Man, offseasons are awesome.  Hand me another beer, will ya?