Scene: the Jacobson Athletic Building. A young man runs down a hallway, terror in his eyes.
OMG OMG OMG OMG
please be there please be there
knock knock
Come in.
(enters) Oh God, thank God you're here, Coach.
What's wrong, Brett?
Well okay. It all started earlier this month when a bunch of people got this notice that they were in this contest. Like Ricky was in it, and Gary Barta, and so was Tyler Sash, and then some other people. And so once this contest started, everything started getting out of control because people wanted to win or something.
How so?
Well, Ricky had to go to Korea to save these Korean pop singer girls, because Paki O'Meara kidnapped them, right, and then Adrian and Ace came along too, and there was this firefight in a dungeon, and that's how Ricky got shot.
Go on...
Well, Paki got away in all the confusion, and Adrian and Ace were going to go find him, and apparently he's on the Penn State campus for some reason, but I'm not sure why, Adrian's cell phone service cut off and I can't get a hold of him. But then also there's the Coach Fran thing.
What Coach Fran thing?
Well apparently he was just a Civil War villain's twin brother in a disguise because he wanted to kill Barta so he could get revenge against JoePa, but the Lickliters sorta killed Barta first, and so he killed the Lickliters for some reason, but then he got voted off anyway so I guess that means he's dead.
Wait, what do you mean, "sort of killed Barta"?
They shipped him to Alaska, and he got eaten by a bear there.
I see.
And so now JoePa has that very same bear and it knows how to fly planes with earth-destroying bombs, and he also has this super-dangerous Russian hitman that talks gibberish and then kills people. I don't know what they're up to, but they're probably going to get voted on in the finals, and all Ricky's got is himself!
How's that?
Well Ricky can't get a hold of Adrian or Ace neither, and Ace always checks in by 9 pm! They might be in trouble, Coach, they really might!
Okay. So what happens if Hockeybear and Trolololo Guy and JoePa and whoever else win the competition?
Then the Internet blows up the world.
Hooooooo. Well then.
YEAH.
That's dangerous information, Brett. You have to be careful who you trust with it.
Oh, I know, Coach!
Have you told anybody else? Have you told the police?
No, you're the first and only person I've told!
Nobody else knows?
No!
Good. (sits back)
Well... aren't you going to do something about it? You should call all the rest of the Hawkeyes and help Ricky win! Or you should call the President! Or the FBI! Or... aren't you going to do something???
I am.
(pulls out a revolver)
WAIT WHAT N
BANG
gehhhhhhhh
Epic. Kirk.
(picks up phone)
BEEP BOOP BLOOP
Mister Paterno.
THANK YOU
We almost had ourselves an issue. Word got out about the plan
DO NOT TELL ME SUCH AWFUL THINGS
WE ARE ON THE PRECIPICE OF SUCCESS
Problem is solved--this time. Don't let things get sloppy again.
THIS WILL BE HANDLED WITH THE SEVEREST OF CONSEQUENCES. NAME THE SOURCE THIS INSTANT, KIRKTHOLOMEW
Adrian Clayborn. I repeat, Adrian Clayborn provided my now-deceased source with the information. He is not presently capable of transmitting more information, but we cannot risk another leak. And he is currently in State College. Do you know what he looks like?
THANK YOU, YOUNG KIRK
Holla.
ONE
In Happy Valley...
CONFOUND THIS AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU LOUTS
THE ENDGAME WAS ALMOST REVEALED
I WILL NOT HAVE MY PLANS DISRUPTED, NOT NOW
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FUCKING BUSY I AM
Hey, my name's Adrian, and I
I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU, YOUNG MAN
BANG
gehhhhhhhhhh
NOW WHERE IS THAT DASTARDLY VILLAINOUS HEINOUS KRAUT RICKY STANZI
THIS ENDS RIGHT NOW
To be concluded... at the voting booth.