Todd Lickliter probably isn't going anywhere this off-season. But another year like this one, and we may need to start looking at our options. After an intensive study of those options, we singled out the following nine choices. In the spirit of democracy that powers MARCHIFORNICATION, we put it up to you for a vote.
- Already here; wouldn't have to pay moving costs or anything.
- Knows the shortcuts to Sonic and Panchero's from the basketball offices.
- Finally has his own ass groove really settled in now.
- Was, like, National Coach of the Year or something.
- Currently presiding over basketball program with worst winning percentage in school history and worst attendance in the history of Carver-Hawkeye Arena.
- Has had ten guys (at last count) transfer out of the program in three years.
- Former school has been every bit as successful without him.
John Lickliter (aka Lil' John)
- Would be the greatest coup since Starscream turned on Megatron in Transformers: The Movie.
- Would supplant Izzo as the shortest coach in the Big Ten, immediately giving us much-needed cred with the midget community.
- IS A BALLER, YO.
- Experience as towel-waver and practice dummy for Kalin Lucas not germane to head coaching gig.
- Unable to accompany team on most rides at Disneyworld.
- Wrong Lil' Jon; lack of pimp cup could hurt recruiting efforts.
- Coach of best team in the state of Iowa for the past two years.
- Wins games.
- Going to that NCAA Tournament thing that looks like so much fun on TV.
- The last UNI coach tapped up hasn't done so hot.
- Excessively pointy nose and chin make him look like a cartoon supervillain (give him a mustache and a top hat and you're staring at the dastardly Snidely Whiplash).
- Coach of two-time defending national champion Iowa wrestling team.
- Bleeds excitement, oozes intensity, pisses integrity.
- Probably needs a new challenge in life, right?
- Teaching Brommer to go for a single-leg takedown will, tragically, only increase his foul-per-minute ratio.
- May set single-season record for technical fouls received.
- Can't get Ryan Morningstar to use his offense; probably can't teach Jarryd Cole how to use his hands, either.
Greg the Alien
- Ability to replace opposing players with pod people clones of himself will make winning a breeze.
- Knows a lot about sports, having co-hosted Game Time with Dave & Greg for years.
- Recruiting connections on Alpha Centauri could be huge for Iowa.
- Constantly plotting to overthrow humanity and replace us all with pod people.
- No, seriously: constantly plotting to overthrow humanity and replace us all with pod people.
Nixon's Head in a Jar
- Emphasis on a strong foreign policy will help Iowa recruit overseas.
- Strategy of breaking into opposing team's offices and stealing gameplans could provide tons of valuable insight.
- Has experience getting organizations out of long, intractable struggles and hopeless conflicts.
- May still harbor ambitions of interstellar conquest.
- Hello, "lack of institutional control" charge...
- Despite repeated assertions to the contrary, probably is a crook.
Nikolai, the Russian Booze Monkey
- Already has proper habits to endure Iowa coaching gig (smoking and drinking).
- Closer to Brommer on the evolutionary scale than any other coaching candidate.
- Communication skills weak, especially after pounding back a half-bottle of vodka.
- Inability to drink or smoke at CHA may lead to rage-induced rampages, endangering the few fans in attendance.
Barbasol Pancake Guy
- Time spent hauling goods cross-country can also be spent scouting prospects.
- May add pancakes to the CHA concessions menu.
- Has totally crazy wife.
- May be more interested in attending local pancake breakfasts than organizing practices.
- Cast aside BTN for airtime on NBC's craptacular The Marriage Ref.
Use of radiation poisoning to get rid of critics and troublemakers could be beneficial in dealing with Pat Harty and Ed Hightower.
- Holding players' families hostage would solve transfer problem.
- Is stronger and sexier than any other B10 coach (sad but true, Motta).
- In addition to dead certainty of getting Iowa placed on NCAA sanctions, may also make Iowa complicit in various human rights violations.
- Would totally murder half the team and replace them with Cold War-era steroid-laced cyborg supermen. (Ed -- wait, this is a con?)
- Decision to replace Herky as mascot with himself in a bear costume may not go over well.