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MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 2: JOE PATERNO VS. GARY BARTA

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Scene: A spacious office with cardboard boxes everywhere. A middle-aged man and his son forlornly pack things away.

Iconliljon_medium So you're not going to go to the press and tell them about how you got railroaded out of town, Dad?

Licklitericon_medium Look. I know it would be superficially rewarding to get in front of as many cameras and tell people that I had to face the Big Ten with an arena that was just where a meteor hit a cemetery and my developmentally stunted son as the backup point guard and so where the hell was I actually going to find room to win any games.

Iconliljon_medium I'm a late bloomer, Dad! It's your fault! You said you didn't even shave until you were 30!

Licklitericon_medium You didn't see me playing in the Big Ten either. Look, point is, that might feel good for a bit, but that's life. Nothing ever goes as well as you hope, except for when you get to face Tim Brewster in football. It's just a fact of life, and the quicker you accept that, the more mature and...

Iconbarta_medium (barges in) ...office is over here, Fran, and I'm sure that Lickliter's gone by nnnnn... oh boy.

Licklitericon_medium ...well-adjusted... you'll...

Licklitericon_medium ...

Licklitericon_medium (brains Barta with a picture frame)

Iconmccaffrey_medium I saw nothing. (turns around, walks away whistling)

Iconliljon_medium But Dad, you just said...

Licklitericon_medium Shut up and help me pack him into this shipping crate before he comes to. Mr. Barta's going to go on a little vacation.

Iconliljon_medium Ha ha ha, awesome! You're the best Dad ever!

Licklitericon_medium Yep. I think we're all done here.

Iconmccaffrey_medium (knocks) Hey, sorry for coming back. Is he... d-d-d... dead?

Licklitericon_medium No, but we're going to ship him off to Fairbanks, Alaska so nobody can vote for him.

Iconmccaffrey_medium Good call. There's nothing in Fairbanks, Alaska.

Licklitericon_medium Nope. I think we're all set, so good luck here, Fran. I know you'll do well with these guys.

Iconmccaffrey_medium I really appreciate it, Todd. Oh hey--you almost forgot a couple pictures behind you.

Licklitericon_medium Oh, thanks. Wait--these aren't pictures at all...

Iconmccaffrey_medium (whips off disguise)

Iconliljon_medium ...these are Civil War cannons!

Iconcannon_medium Iconcannon_medium BOOMS

Licklitericon_medium Iconliljon_medium (heads fly off)

Iconcornshoes_medium YEEEEEEE-HAW! Franshoe Hammaker can now avenge you, brother! And I've also indiscriminately killed my allies in your honor!

Iconbhgp_medium Well, that spiraled totally out of control. So, um, since Barta is Alaska-bound and the Lickliters just got fired, I think we've really only got one possible vote here. Wait, is JoePa still alive?

Iconjoepa_medium YES, ALTHOUGH I HAVE THE MOST TERRIFIC HEADACHE ON ACCOUNT OF MY SEAGRAMS AND METAMUCIL FROM THREE WEEKS AGO

Iconjoepa_medium ALSO I SOLD MY PANTS FOR A CAT THAT RAN AWAY

Iconjoepa_medium HERE CAT CAT CAT

Iconbhgp_medium That'll do. Let's vote.