Scene: a crowded media hall, where two familiar faces sit in front of a backdrop that looks like a blanket you'd receive as a promotional gift. Or just look at that picture up there. Flashbulbs pop and a full room of media faces buzzes with anticipation.
Hello, everyone, welcome to the news conference. I told you I wouldn't be meeting with you until I had a new coach, and so as I'm sure you've all heard, here's Iowa's new men's head basketball coach, Fran McCaffery.
(boisterous applause, somehow, even though that one hand remains in the air)
Thank you for that warm welcome. I'm sure I'll have a great time while I'm h
So how much is your buyout?
Goddammit. You weren't kidding, Gary.
Nope. They're pretty bad.
Mr. Barta, any truth to the rumor that Bruce Pearl will take over for McCaffery tomorrow?
BRUUUUUUUUUUUUUCE
BRUCE! BRUCE! BRUCE! BRUCE!
No. Look. Bruce Pearl is not coming to Iowa. He was never coming to Iowa. He rubbed a magic lamp and got a great job at Tennessee, the SEC's admissions standards, and infinity blowjobs. Metaphorically, of course.
So why did you not promise him infinity times infinity blowjobs?
Metaphorically again?
...
Okay, look. I know you guys are all upset that you always get left completely in the dark on coaching searches, since all you have are Iowa contacts and not Parker Executive Search contacts. And I know you're all upset about that being the entire reason I use a search firm instead of handling things through the various athletic departments. I saw what your coverage was like. It was terrible. You were all either guessing or listening to sources who were guessing. I told my secretary one morning that we were thinking about hiring Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and it was on Rivals and a The View message board before my coffee was cold. You see why you guys don't really... y'know, help anything, right?
(silent, except for audible mouth-breathing)
But since you guys are such good sports, I'm going to let you talk to my guy at Parker Executive Search, and he'll tell you all about the hiring process.
Hooray!
C'mon out here, Norm.
(rolls next to Barta)
WELP, HOWDY, DANG IT
S'POSE YOU'RE HERE TO ASK ABOUT ME AND FRAN
Oh god. The "Parker" in Parker Executive Search was really just Norm Parker all along?
AND THE MISSUS
SHE COULDN'T BE HERE TODAY, SHE'S STILL TEACHIN' THE DOGS TO PLAY SCRABBLE
...
THEY'RE NOT TOO GOOD, THEY JUST EAT THE TILES. FORTUNATELY WE USE THE PLASTIC ONES, SO THEY CLEAN OFF REAL EASY
...
BEST WORD ANY OF 'EM MADE WAS "PL"
That's not a word.
WE DON'T REALLY THINK IT'S FAIR TO CHALLENGE DOG WORDS
So you were the one who was interviewing every single candidate?
YEP
How is that possible? You're not based in Atlanta. Have you ever even been to Atlanta?
ATLANTA?
Oh, did I tell you guys Atlanta? I meant Atlantic. Why, Norm and I don't even have to leave the state! Silly me, I must have misspoken.
You're a bastard, Gary Barta.
SO LET'S TALK FRAN
How did you choose him from such a, um, varied and complicated group of potential candidates?
GLAD YOU ASKED
FRAN ACTUALLY ASKED ME ABOUT THE JOB, AND WANTED ME TO COME OUT THERE AND MEET HIM. BUT GARY OVER HERE WAS A LITTLE SHY!
Now come on Norm, gimme a break!
SO I GO OVER TO WHEREVER SIENA IS, AND I GO TO THEIR HOUSE, AND HIS WIFE OPENS THE DOOR
HECK OF A LADY, THAT MARGARET MCCAFFERY
(beams, and you probably already have a crush on her)
GAVE ME A FIRM HANDSHAKE AND GAVE ME THE WHATFOR AND WHATNOT ABOUT WHY I SHOULD HIRE FRAN
(from the back of the room) Because if he doesn't he's a coward-ass diabetic Stalinist!
SOLD
(stunned silence)
HEY, YOU TELL HER NO
MATTER OF FACT, I THOUGHT I WAS HIRING HER, AND THAT SHE WAS JUST TALKING IN THE THIRD PERSON THE ENTIRE TIME. I'VE NEVER EVEN SEEN THIS GUY BEFORE
YOU MEAN TELLIN' ME YOUR NAME'S FRAN?
Yep!
That's my fuckin' man! YEAH!
'AT'LL DO
WELP, GOTTA RUN
ALL YOU CAN EAT HOT DOGS FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK
Really? Where?
WHEREVER
(leaves)
Any questions?
This all strikes us as dangerously irresponsible and borderline ruinous to the health of the entire athletic department. You and Norm should both probably be fired by the Regents immediately. But we have one question first.
...Is he up-tempo?
Some coaches are going to lock into a defense, are going to play half-court basketball. We're not going to be that way.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYY GO GARY GO
GO EVERYTHING
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I think that'll be all for today.