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MARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS ROUND 1: HOCKEYBEAR vs. THE GADSDEN PURCHASE

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Bobzook_medium

BOB ZOOK REGIONAL

SEED #1: HOCKEYBEAR

Tournament bid: Automatic (Galactic Destruction Set to 80's Music Conference Champion)

PROS:

  • Appeared from a fucking supernova.
  • Has the ability to create hockey sticks through sheer mind power.
  • Can navigate wormholes.
  • Blew the moon the fuck up.
  • Fucking obliterated Anchorage, Alaska.
  • Later, was awakened from its bed deep in the Bering Sea by a Russian boat, which it proceeded to fucking slash with said mindhockeystick. Because fuck communism.
  • Flew an F-14 Tomcat fighter jet into the upper midwest, fucking annihilating Columbus, South Bend, East Lansing and/or Miami (depending on the version you're watching).
  • Somehow found a nearby volcano. Dropped a bomb in it.
  • Blew Earth the fuck up. Took the moon out a second time.
  • Despite having his jet disintegrate in a wormhole, flew himself to the Carlson Center, generated another mindhockeystick, and set the net afire.
CONS:
  • Didn't take the time to single out St. Paul or Madison in his jet-fueled wave of mutilation.
  • Broke the cardinal rule of fighter jet warfare by leaving his wingmen to fend for themselves in the post-apocalyptic cloud that was Earth.
  • Probably can see Russia from his front porch.

#8 SEED: THE GADSDEN PURCHASE

Pls_gadsden_medium

Tournament Bid: At-Large (podcast inside joke)

PROS:

  • Lawless desert frontier, where legal currency is optional but sidearms are required.
  • Once owned by Steve Gadsden.
  • Contains the Grand Canyon
CONS:
  • May not contain the Grand Canyon.