In an effort to further prove our bona fides as a Serious News Organization*, BHGP conducted an exclusive interview** with Brent Metcalf, the senior leader of Iowa's #1-ranked wrestling team and the #1-ranked wrestler in the nation at 149 lbs.
Man, I am so fuckin' bored it's not even funny.
Wait, what? But you're totally kicking ass this year and --
That's the problem! Have you seen what it's like at 149 this year? It's a fuckin' joke. The only dudes I wanted to wrestle this year have all bailed on the weight class. Fuckface [Darrion] Caldwell and my boy Bubba [Jenkins] are redshirting to stay away from me and [Dustin] Schlatter moved up to 157 lbs. What a bunch of fuckin' pussies.
With Caldwell, I just want to get some motherfucking payback for that backflipping bitch's bullshit win at nationals last year. That shit was a fluke. F-L-U-K-E, as in "not gonna ever fuckin' happen again," ya hear? And Schlatter, that Gopher asshole still talks shit about beating me in high school. Even though I beat him the only time we met in college and he keeps ducking me with some bullshit excuses about injuries. Injuries... pfft. I got kneed in the fucking head by some prick loser and you didn't hear me whining about it. He just needs to get the sand out of his vagina, lay off the Twinkies, and get back down to 149. And Bubba... well, making him my bitch is just fun. I was gonna bring a saddle to the ring this year and actually ride him around the mat, if he hadn't been such a pansy.
What about the other guys at 149?
Have you seen the jabronies and candy-asses I've been wrestling? Unless they knee me in the goddamn head, I've been pinning dudes in minutes. My moves now are way too ill for these clowns -- did you see the shit I pulled on that Penn State punk? He thought he was being all tough shoving me in the head, but then BOOM BOOM POW MOTHERFUCKER, 123. And everyone else in that division... I mean, goddamn, how many times do I have to beat those losers?
Well, how about the #2 and #3 guys, Ohio State's Lance Palmer and Wisconsin's Kyle Ruschell? You haven't wrestled them yet this season.
Nah, but I've beaten each of 'em three times already before this year.
Palmer kept it to decisions, though...
Yeah, because that motherfucker runs like a goddamn race horse and hugs the out-of-bounds line like it's his fucking mother.
I want a match at Wrestlemania XVI, dammit.
Have you seen the lame-ass bitches they got whinin' for matches up there? Fuckin' Shawn Michaels keeps whining about wanting a rematch with the Underatker -- um, hello? He's like forty zillion years old and he can't win shit anymore. He just got pinned by the goddamn Miz for god's sake. If I ever got pinned by some douchebag shitface loser from an MTV reality show, I'd fuckin' kill myself. And Undertaker? I'm supposed to be scared of some washed-up old dude with man-boobs and eyeliner? Give me a fuckin' break. He was scarier when he had a mullet and denim jacket and rode a Harley all the damn time.
Yeah, but there are other guys, too, and --
The rest of those dudes are just clowns and poseurs. Triple H? More like Triple HGH. Lay off the needles and self-tanner, bro. Edge and Jericho? C'mon, do you want me to go all Brock Lesnar on those arrogant moose-humpin' socialists? And John Cena? Yo, I can see you just fine, you tool -- can you see me tearing your shoulder out of the joint while I pin you? The only one of those dudes I respected was Kurt Angle, and that's just because he won a fuckin' gold medal. And now he's off hangin' out with Hulk Hogan. The only good thing about that roided-up orange freak was that he used to come out to "Real American," and my boy Ricky Stanzi loves that shit.
Um, OK, so do you have a plan?
Yeah, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna finish up this college season by freight trainin' through the rest of these punk-ass bitches and get back on top of that goddamn podium in Omaha. Then I'm gonna go down to Phoenix and take on whichever one of those pill-popping needle junkies is man enough to take me on. And after I whip their ass, I might head over to Vegas and see if Dana White can get me a fight with BJ Penn -- y'know, if he's got the stones to put down his pussy umbrella drink and fight a real man.
BJ Penn? The guy who's been undefeated at lightweight in UFC for, like, a decade? And who turned Diego Sanchez's face into ground beef the last time he fought?
Yeah. I mean, he's a tough dude... for a Hawaiian. I'm goddamn Brent Metcalf, alright? I grew up in Michigan and I've lived in the Iowa wrestling room for the last four goddamn years. After training with Brands for that long, I eat coal and shit out diamonds. My piss is classified as a WMD. I get slammed with a battery charge for shakin' a dude's hand.
Right, well, good luck the rest of the season and --
Luck's for leprechauns. Do I look like a goddamn leprechaun to you?
Well, you don't really look like Warwick Davis...
Warwick Davis, star of the cult classic '80s horror movie, Leprechaun, and its five sequels, Leprechaun 2, Leprechaun 3, Leprechaun 4: In Space, Leprechaun: In the Hood, and Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood...
It's all about Frankenhooker, man.
Um, right, thanks for talking to us, Brent. Do you have any final comments?
**--Also a lie.