Hey.
Hey. Where's Joe?
Uh, seemed best if he stayed home. He kept babbling about whores and filthy Spaniards and the time he tried to scalp Bobby Bowden.
Alright, let's get this shit going. I've got some pran- uh, phone calls to make.
Yeah, yeah. So none of us are too happy to be here. I think we all had slightly higher aspirations for this season...
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, BROSEPH! THE OL' ZOOKER WASN'T EVEN SURE HE WAS STILL GONNA HAVE A JOB THIS TIME LAST YEAR.
Wait, how did you even get here? You're not 7-5 yet.
AW, WE JUST GOT A GAME WITH FRESNO TONIGHT. AIN'T NO BIG DEAL.
Didn't they beat you guys last year?
UM...
Damn right they did. With a fat dude scoring the winning points, too. It was goddamn hilarious. Gary and I were dying with laughter after we watched that. Of course, then Ken saw it and wanted to put it in the playbook...
Isn't that game tonight? Shouldn't you be prepping?
NAH. VIC AND PAUL DON'T REALLY LET ME DO ANY PREP WORK. IT'S ALL GOOD, THOUGH -- MORE TIME FOR ME TO WORK ON MY BENCH.
Uh, right. So. Let's get down to business.
/sniffles
Dammit, Rich. Pull your shit together, man.
(sobs) It's just so-so-so hard...
Look, 7-5's no picnic, but at least have some goddamn dignity. Blubbering like a little girl at a team banquet? Reading Josh Groban lyrics and then playing the goddamn song? Holy hell.
Wait, what's wrong with Josh Groban?
/withering stare
(sniffs) I never thought it would be so hard, though. I finally got a quarterback that works and --
(snort) Sure, when he's not getting broken in two on every third hit.
IT WASN'T LIKE THIS IN THE BIG EAST!
Uh, I bet not. Those limpdicks couldn't tackle a quadriplegic in a jail cell.
I ONCE DEAD LIFTED A GUY IN A WHEEL CHAIR. IT WAS PRETTY SWEET.
Goddammit. Shut your fucking trap, Ron.
HA, AT LEAST I DIDN'T LOSE TO MINNESOTA.
Um, yes, you did. Three weeks ago.
WAIT, THAT WAS MINNESOTA? VIC AND PAUL TOLD ME IT WAS MINNESOTA STATE. I SPENT ALL GAME TRYING TO GET LUTHER AND DAUBER'S AUTOGRAPHS...
...
Uh, maybe we should get back to Rich?
Things were finally starting to look up! 7-3! And then... then those BULLIES Bielema and Tressel played us and and (incomprehensible) --
Those guys are real dickbags. I could have told you that.
Yeah, you know from dickbags, too...
Bitter much?
...
Anyway now everyone's talking about Harbaugh this and Harbaugh that.
He is awful good. I mean 11-1 at Stanford? And so intense, too... (swoons)
No shit. I mean, he's actually gonna go to a real bowl and not the TicketCity Cockpunch Bowl.
But it's not fair! I got the offense working! We're going back to a bowl! But then it's "Oh, look at Harbaugh... he's a Michigan man, he understands things here. Or, ooh, he runs a pro-style offense. Or, wow, he won eleven games, they might go to the Rose Bowl or the Orange Bowl!"
I WENT TO THE ROSE BOWL ONCE. IT WAS PRETTY BITCHIN'. RODE THE TEA CUPS 'CAUSE I'M A STRAIGHT BALLER. YOU GUYS EVER BEEN?
...
I really hate you.
Goddamn Hayden Fry.
Yeah, we went a few years ago. It was pretty swell.
Hey, what about me? How do I tell Dave I deserve to keep my job?
Have you won three national titles and become synonymous with the university?
Uh, no.
Oh. Bummer. Worked for dad.
Have you won two Big Ten titles in three years and led a team to their only unbeaten conference record in 80 years?
Uh, no.
Did you win the Orange Bowl last year?
Uh, no.
Oh, right, that was me. Sucks to be you.
Hey, don't look at me. 7-5 makes me a god in Evanston.
YOU COULD CHANGE COORDINATORS. WORKED LIKE A CHARM FOR THE OL' ZOOKER.
Well, the offense was great, so I probably shouldn't fire Calvin. Greg's side of the ball did have a few problems.
(snort)
Says the guy whose defense gave up five fourth quarter leads.
...goddammit.
ALRIGHT, IS THAT IT? OL' ZOOKER NEEDS TO GET HIS TAN ON FOR THE GAME TONIGHT.
Isn't the game at night, Ron?
LOOKIN' GOOD IS A 24/7 CALLING, JUNIOR. YOU GINGER CODDLERS WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND. ZOOK OUT!
Yeah, I'm done with this circlejerk, too.
OK, OK... I'm just gonna sing my blues away. "You raise me up / to walk on stormy seas..."
Dammit, Rich.