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Ken O'Keefe Gets the Call

- Tuesday morning, immediately after the press conference, Gary Barta's office, Carver Hawkeye Arena -

Barta2icon_medium  That went well.
Iconferentz_medium   Yeah, I'd say so.
Barta2icon_medium  I can't believe they still fall for your "I don't use the Twitter" shtick.
Iconferentz_medium  I know, me either.
Barta2icon_medium  So...wanna do something?
Iconferentz_medium  I'd better go talk to Ken.
Barta2icon_medium  About what?
Iconferentz_medium  About the DJK and Robinson suspensions.
Barta2icon_medium  What?  He doesn't know about those yet?
Iconferentz_medium  He's been gameplanning for two weeks straight.
Barta2icon_medium  ...
Iconferentz_medium  ...
Barta2icon_medium  LOL
Iconferentz_medium  LOL.  Actually, he's spent the week trying to get Stanzi to fight a tiger.
Barta2icon_medium  How's he going to take the news that his two best players are out?
Iconferentz_medium  Probably not too well.
Iconbarta_medium   I can think of one way to soften the blow...

Iconferentz_medium  Aw, what the hell.  I have some free time.  Crack a couple of cold ones.

- Meanwhile, in Ken O'Keefe's cubicle -

Stanziicon_medium  The video is awesome, Ken, but I don't see how it's relevant.
Iconokeefe_medium  This worked wonders for Drew Tate in 2004.  If you really want to win, you need to fight the other team's mascot.
Stanziicon_medium  No, Ken.  For the last time, I'm not fighting a tiger.
Iconokeefe_medium  What about if I get Tiger Woo-
Iconokeefe_medium  Hello, this is Ken.
Pedersonicon_medium  Ken, Steve Pederson here, athletic director at Pitt.
Iconokeefe_medium  Why yes, Mr. Pederson.  What can I do for you?
Pedersonicon_medium  You can come to Pittsburgh and interview for our vacant head coaching position, Ken.
Iconokeefe_medium  Wow, really?
Pedersonicon_medium  Absolutely.  You're exactly what we're after.  You have head coaching experience, right?  Allegheny College or something like that?
Iconokeefe_medium  Don't forget about Hofstra!
Pedersonicon_medium  /snort
Pedersonicon_medium  I mean, um, right, that too. 
Pedersonicon_medium  And you've successfully recruited a number of players with average talent from Pennsylvania and Ohio.  Don't forget about that.
Pedersonicon_medium  We've been especially impressed with your ability to take above-average skill position talent and work that into an offense that scores 17 points a game and finishes in the bottom half of the Big Ten in every meaningful statistic.  We usually hire guys who do that on defense, but this is a big step for us.  You're the total package.
Iconokeefe_medium  Well, thank you, sir.  I must say, I'm flattered.
Pedersonicon_medium  Oh, and I almost forgot how much we love the way you put that Chaney kid in at wideout every time you're going to run an end around, just so the other team can know it's coming.  That's great.  We love that.
Iconokeefe_medium  I like to think I have a certain flair for the anticlimactic.
Pedersonicon_medium  So what we need you to do is this: Grab your playbook and drive to Cedar Rapids.  When you get there, go to the United counter and request the ticket reserved for "Keefe O'Ken."  We're going to try to keep this under wraps.  We don't want anyone else hearing about this and giving you a...HAHAHAHAHAHA
Iconferentz_medium  I'm sorry, Ken.  Gary's a lot better at this than me.
Iconokeefe_medium  Aw, gosh darn it.  You really got my hopes up, Kirk.
Iconferentz_medium  It was Barta's idea, I swear.
Iconferentz_medium  Anyway, I've got some news: Koulianos and Robinson are suspended for the bowl game.
Iconokeefe_medium  Wait, what?
Iconferentz_medium  Yeah, apparently Derrell was living with the Tony Montana of the Midwest, and ARob didn't show up for finger painting class last week or something.  Violation of team rules, conduct detrimental, all that shit.
Iconokeefe_medium  You can't do this to me, Kirk!
Iconferentz_medium  Relax, Ken.  You've still got McNutt...for now.
Iconokeefe_medium  What's that supposed to mean?
Iconferentz_medium  I'm just kidding.  McNutt's not getting suspended.  I just told Rob Howe that to see if he'd publish it and then blame his mistake on the social networks and radio hosts.
Iconferentz_medium  Anyway, this should make it easier for you to follow the rules.  You remember the rules, don't you?
Iconokeefe_medium  Yes, I remember the rules.
Iconferentz_medium  Tell them to me.
Iconokeefe_medium  But, but...
Iconferentz_medium  TELL THEM TO ME NOW.
Iconokeefe_medium  Rule Number 1: We won't score more than 20 points in a game, because scoring more than 20 points is mean.
Iconokeefe_medium  Rule Number 2: Don't break rule number one.
Iconferentz_medium  Good.  Now go get me two touchdowns and a field goal.  I know you can do it.
Iconphone45_medium  /click
Iconokeefe_medium  I'm so sick of Kirk and his rules.  I'll never get that head coaching job.  He's always keeping me down.
Iconokeefe_medium  He thinks he can take away my best players and make me look bad?  I'll show him.
Iconokeefe_medium  I'll go rogue.
Iconokeefe_medium  No longer am I Ken O'Keefe.  Now I am...