We're happy to announce Iowa's latest (and possibly last) commitment of the season. In response to David Cato's inevitable transfer, Iowa offered a safety in every sense of the word: he plays safety, and he was a safety pick, one who wouldn't have been offered unless something went wrong (see Cato, David). And fortunately, we were able to secure an exclusive interview with the man himself. Ladies and gentlemen, Christopher Hitchens!
First things first, I haven't got the foggiest what a "running back" nor do I care to hazard a guess. If it implies cowardice or moral equivalence, you're tragically misinformed, as Americans so often are.
As for defense my record's impeccable, far more so than conventional wisdom and popular opinion have fared over the course of the years. I've been right about both wars, I've been right about Osama bin Laden, I've been--
Have you gone mad? What on earth would be the use of interviewing me with those topics declared out of bounds? Also, I assume you've got Scotch and your inability to ply me with it is just an ill-executed practical joke.
Do you mean the African Cup of Nations, a nonsensical, inconsequential charade amid humanitarian conditions that are beyond repair and only declining? Is that your concern with the African continent, you cretin?
Wait... are you not going to play safety for the Iowa Hawkeyes in the fall?
I am a 60-year old native of Portsmouth without so much as a casual concern for American football. Also, I have been rubbing soap over my prodigious, liquor-engorged torso for the better part of 20 minutes.