[Scene: a sparsely-roofed, manure-littered barn in the middle of Ames, Iowa. The words "MEDIA PAVILIEN" [sic] are painted onto the side of the barn. It is the most modern building in the entire city. Inside, reporters sit on cow carcasses and bales of hay, listening as a coach speaks about his team's latest defeat.]
Hi, everyone. Mind the rats. My name is Kevin Jackson, the Iowa State head wrestling coach. The previous sentence was in no way for the expository benefit of a narrative. No sir. I just always say that.
Oh, you mean when he totally teabagged that Minnesota dude while he pinned him? Because that was awesome.
Say, I saw it, Coach. He gave it the ol' J/O after he won. Probably had something to do with the fact that Mueller was stalling instead of wrestling for basically all three rounds.
I think Terry Brands is hilarious. I’m telling you. I’m focused on my guys and coaching my guys up. I wish you guys could put a mic down sometime because it’s pretty comical some of the things that go on close to that bench. It’s entertaining to say the least … We’ve been together for a long time and I’d never seen that side really. Maybe that’s his coaching style now. I don’t know.
Wait, why would you say all that if you're focused on your guys and coaching? And if you're so focused on that, why didn't you tell Jon Reader to try to break Morningstar's hold in the last eight seconds?
Look, all I'm saying is that you guys don't even pay attention to all the rude, offensive, and juvenile things the Iowa wrestling team does. Well--well look, Metcalf and Brands are over there right now.
(does the slow jerk)
(holds up old copy of Sports Illustrated from 1967)