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IOWA CRUSHES NORTHERN IOWA IN 17-16 LAUGHER

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IOWA CITY: Joy and laughter fill the streets of the River City after Iowa demolishes powerhouse Northern Iowa. The game, which was never in doubt after the opening kick, represented Iowa football's largest margin of victory in nearly nine months.

The hero of the day was undoubtedly Paki O'Meara, who rushed 9 times for 16 whole yards while also generously donating a football to the underprivileged UNI defense in the third quarter. Also sterling in relief of the decorated tailback was Adam Robinson, whom the Daily Iowan credited with 240 yards rushing and 512 yards of total offense. That account of the game is in dispute, however, as they credited all Hawkeyes with the exact same statistics.

Also, another hero of the game was Tony "Ol' Reliable" Moeaki, who seems to be made of iron and non-Newtonian fluids. The Ethnically Ambiguous Atomic Weapon registered 10 catches for 83 yards and a score--not to mention running his streak of consecutive starts to at least 30.

The highlight of the game came at the very end, of course, when Northern Iowa was trying to register a single field goal in order to bring the score to some semblance of respectability. Iowa dutifully blocked the kick back into the Panthers' faces, then iin a stunning display of audacity, declined to recover the ball in order to allow UNI to attempt the kick again! Not since Casey strode the basepaths of Mudville did a titan of sport display such hubris! But though karma punished Casey that day, fate itself took a back seat to the Hawkeyes' whims; UNI's second kick was also swatted, sealing their ignominy.

Said Kirk Ferentz to the vanquished Mark Farley and his bloodied charges: "Hope we didn't hurt your boys too bad." But Iowa probably did.

Iowa is expected to rocket up the Top 25 this week, as theirs was easily the top performance in the land this weekend. After all, it's generally agreed that championships are more important than mere bowl games. Northern Iowa plays in the Championship Subdivision, and Iowa in the logically inferior Bowl Subdivision.

Indeed, there are zero worries about the state of Iowa football tonight! All that's left to ponder is how many 1st place votes they'll get. Probably all of them!

Congratulations, Hawkeyes, and if you pull that shit against a I-A opponent you will lose by 70.