SECRETARY
SECRETARY
What do you want? I'm on the phone like always.
WHERE IS THE NEWSPAPER, I HAVE TO DO READING
Can't you just go online? All the newspapers' stories are online anymore.
NO
I NEED NEWSPAPER
Why?
Yeah, dad, why?
JESUS PIPE-SMOKING CHRIST, DON'T YOU EVER SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, JUNIOR
You told me to sit here five minutes ago, and then when I asked you why, you just wandered off.
OH
DID YOU BRING ME A NEWSPAPER
Well, I didn't really bring it for you, per se, I kinda wanted to read
MINE MINE MINE
What's with your obsession with newspapers, anyway?
What? You go to the bathroom to look at obituaries? That's like the grossest thing I've ever heard of!
NO
THE GROSSEST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF IS IF I WENT TO THE BATHROOM, THEN DIAGRAMMED PLAYS ON THE WALL BY SMEARING MY OWN DEFECATE
Oh come on, dad! You don't do that!
NO, BUT I HAVE USED MY OWN EJACULATE
Oh god damn it!
THOSE PLAYS COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR BROTHERS, JUNIOR
SHOW SOME DAMN RESPECT
Why am I even here, anyway?
I'M TOLD WE ARE MISSING LINEBACKERS
How do you not know about that, Dad?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
Well, Navorro Bowman has that groin injury
FROM WHAT
According to this police report, you tried to shoot his genitals off with a blunderbuss for overpursuing on a draw play.
DESERVED IT
He's day to day.
And then there's Sean Lee.
HE STILL LOVES THE PROSTITUTES LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE
Right, it's his other knee, not the one that Secretary kicked out. As for that, we're calling it a "sprain" so the authorities don't come sniffing around here, but that aside, could you please remind me again why we do that one drill?
AH YES, THE "BEAT THE STARTERS' LEGS WITH BASEBALL BATS UNTIL THEY CRY FOR MERCY" DRILL
THAT'S A HOLD OVER FROM MY DAYS AT OKLAHOMA STATE
Wait, you were nev
WE TRAINED OUR BOYS WITH THAT FOR HOURS ON END, BATTERING EACH OTHER'S LEGS TO BLOODY PULPS, FORGING OUR FIBULAE AND TIBIAE INTO BATTLE-HARDENED WAR MACHINES, ALL TO STAVE OFF THE LOOMING NAZI THREAT
This doesn't even sound like something he saw on television and thinks happened to him, I think he's actually hallucinating.
Okay. And then what happened, Dad?
THEN THE WOLVES
MY GOD, THE WOLVES
...
RIGHT
IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE WHO IS VAGINA-ING OUT ON THIS GAME
Oh, Stupar?
STUPAR? I BARELY KNOW HER
Hahaha, good joke, Mr. Paterno
THANK YOU
BUT I WAS NOT JOKING, WHO IN THE HELL IS STUPAR
Nathan Stupar is our top backup. He might not play either.
CONFOUND IT
THIS IS CLEARLY THE WORK OF THOSE GREASY KRAUTS.
Um, Germans aren't necessari
TO THE JOEPACOPTER
The what?
THE LATRINE
THESE BOWELS ARE NOT GOING TO EVACUATE THEMSELVES
OR ARE THEY