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Joe Paterno Confronts His Team's Injury Problems

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Iconjoepa_medium SECRETARY

Iconjoepa_medium SECRETARY

Iconsecretary_medium What do you want? I'm on the phone like always.

Iconjoepa_medium WHERE IS THE NEWSPAPER, I HAVE TO DO READING

Iconsecretary_medium Can't you just go online? All the newspapers' stories are online anymore.

Iconjoepa_medium NO

Iconjoepa_medium I NEED NEWSPAPER

Iconsecretary_medium Why?

Jaypa_medium Yeah, dad, why?

Iconjoepa_medium JESUS PIPE-SMOKING CHRIST, DON'T YOU EVER SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, JUNIOR

Jaypa_medium You told me to sit here five minutes ago, and then when I asked you why, you just wandered off.

Iconjoepa_medium OH

Iconjoepa_medium DID YOU BRING ME A NEWSPAPER

Jaypa_medium Well, I didn't really bring it for you, per se, I kinda wanted to read

Iconjoepa_medium MINE MINE MINE

Iconsecretary_medium What's with your obsession with newspapers, anyway?

Iconjoepa_medium I GET THE PAPER. I GO TO THE BATHROOM. I TAKE THE PAPER IN THERE AND I SCAN IT. I LOOK AT IT. THE FIRST THING I DO IS LOOK AT WHO DIED. ALL RIGHT

Iconsecretary_medium What? You go to the bathroom to look at obituaries? That's like the grossest thing I've ever heard of!

Iconjoepa_medium NO

Iconjoepa_medium THE GROSSEST THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF IS IF I WENT TO THE BATHROOM, THEN DIAGRAMMED PLAYS ON THE WALL BY SMEARING MY OWN DEFECATE

Jaypa_medium Oh come on, dad! You don't do that!

Iconjoepa_medium NO, BUT I HAVE USED MY OWN EJACULATE

Diagrams_medium

Jaypa_medium Oh god damn it!

Iconjoepa_medium THOSE PLAYS COULD HAVE BEEN YOUR BROTHERS, JUNIOR

Iconjoepa_medium SHOW SOME DAMN RESPECT

Jaypa_medium Why am I even here, anyway?

Iconjoepa_medium I'M TOLD WE ARE MISSING LINEBACKERS

Iconjoepa_medium WEAHHH LIMEBACK A YOU

Jaypa_medium How do you not know about that, Dad?

Iconjoepa_medium WHAT DO YOU MEAN

Jaypa_medium Well, Navorro Bowman has that groin injury

Iconjoepa_medium FROM WHAT

Iconsecretary_medium According to this police report, you tried to shoot his genitals off with a blunderbuss for overpursuing on a draw play.

Iconjoepa_medium DESERVED IT

Iconsecretary_medium He's day to day.

Jaypa_medium And then there's Sean Lee.

Iconjoepa_medium HE STILL LOVES THE PROSTITUTES LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE

Jaypa_medium Right, it's his other knee, not the one that Secretary kicked out. As for that, we're calling it a "sprain" so the authorities don't come sniffing around here, but that aside, could you please remind me again why we do that one drill?

Iconjoepa_medium AH YES, THE "BEAT THE STARTERS' LEGS WITH BASEBALL BATS UNTIL THEY CRY FOR MERCY" DRILL

Iconjoepa_medium THAT'S A HOLD OVER FROM MY DAYS AT OKLAHOMA STATE

Jaypa_medium Wait, you were nev

Iconjoepa_medium WE TRAINED OUR BOYS WITH THAT FOR HOURS ON END, BATTERING EACH OTHER'S LEGS TO BLOODY PULPS, FORGING OUR FIBULAE AND TIBIAE INTO BATTLE-HARDENED WAR MACHINES, ALL TO STAVE OFF THE LOOMING NAZI THREAT

Iconsecretary_medium This doesn't even sound like something he saw on television and thinks happened to him, I think he's actually hallucinating.

Jaypa_medium Okay. And then what happened, Dad?

Iconjoepa_medium THEN THE WOLVES

Iconjoepa_medium MY GOD, THE WOLVES

Iconsecretary_medium ...

Iconjoepa_medium RIGHT

Iconjoepa_medium IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE WHO IS VAGINA-ING OUT ON THIS GAME

Jaypa_medium Oh, Stupar?

Iconjoepa_medium STUPAR? I BARELY KNOW HER

Iconsecretary_medium Hahaha, good joke, Mr. Paterno

Iconjoepa_medium THANK YOU

Iconjoepa_medium BUT I WAS NOT JOKING, WHO IN THE HELL IS STUPAR

Jaypa_medium Nathan Stupar is our top backup. He might not play either.

Iconjoepa_medium CONFOUND IT

Iconjoepa_medium THIS IS CLEARLY THE WORK OF THOSE GREASY KRAUTS.

Jaypa_medium Um, Germans aren't necessari

Iconjoepa_medium TO THE JOEPACOPTER

Iconsecretary_medium The what?

Iconjoepa_medium THE LATRINE

Iconjoepa_medium THESE BOWELS ARE NOT GOING TO EVACUATE THEMSELVES

Iconjoepa_medium OR ARE THEY