Brian Cook Named New Attorney for 'Freezer Cash' Congressman William Jefferson

[Bumped, because Bellanca's got your jihad right here. -- Ed.]


ANN ARBOR -- Famed entrepreneur-savant Brian Cook, fresh off the heels of his stirring, mind-numbing defense of Rich Rodriguez in the recent Michigan football controversy, and there always will be controversies following Rich Rodriguez, has been appointed by convicted felon William Jefferson to manage his appeal.


Jefferson, the Lousiana Democrat convicted on August 5, 2009 of 11 counts of racketeering, money laundering, and bribery while running a Congressional office as a criminal enterprise, was perhaps best known for being caught with over $90,000 of wrinkled, grimy U.S. notes in his home freezer.  


Jefferson issued this statement through his new attorney, Mr. Cook:


"After witnessing the sterling job Brian did pointing out that the alleged abuses of NCAA rules undertaken by Rich Rodriquez were so much folderol, spewed out by representatives of a dying media model, I felt I owed it to my constituents, real and imagined, to hire him.  Those scurrilous allegations made against Rodriguez, while obviously true unless there is some sort of insanity virus spreading in nonlinear fashion amongst present and former UM football players,  were immediately ridiculed and refuted by Brian.   I have decided to employ him to clear my name.  Did I mention that he agreed to be paid in cash?"


Cook also agreed to foreshadow his legal strategy for this reporter.


"As we saw with the latest effort to impugn the heart-stirring, committed genius that is Rich Rodriquez, three lines of argument, if advanced with seeming dispassion and high-mindedness, an absolute commitment to irrelevant counterattack, incessant deflection, and robust character assassination (the president is not the only dude who's read Rules for Radicals, you know) is precisely the legal strategy that should have been deployed on behalf of Congressman Jefferson.  


"I simply cannot imagine that anyone could have singled out and harassed a brilliant public servant such as Mr. Jefferson.  You must remember three things, at all times, and if you don't, I will call you stupid in a really clever, post-modern sort of way.  And nobody likes that because it means I'm cooler than you.  


"What are the attributes of the brilliant defense I will shortly launch for Congressman Jefferson, then?


"One, everybody does it.  In matters of criminal defense, asserting the "me-too" defense is most compelling, because your average criminal justice fan can't remain focused on two contradictory ideas (winning, rules) at the same time.   We will show that Mr. Jefferson is a winner, and winners are what America wants.  Everybody hates a little snitch who tells the teacher that the class thug just beat the snot out of somebody behind the gym.  We'll show that Mr. Jefferson worked 12-14 hours a day on Sunday because that's what it takes to be a winner.


"Two, what's with these 'anonymous' types who 'say' they work at the FBI?  Since when in this great country, when 20 or so people all report the same crimes, are we supposed to pay any attention?   This is ridiculous on its face.  If you read their depositions and testimony, it's clear that they are a bunch of life's losers, whiners, cry-babies, men who lack the backbone to be what Mr. Jefferson so clearly challenges us to be:  a winner.  And their stories, because that is all they are, 'stories', and that's a post-modern tic that I used twice in one graf, adding quotes to render ironic a simple word, are all the same!  Get it?  The stories all add up to the same thing!  Obviously they got together and made it all up.  What a bunch of pussies.


"Three, never underestimate the soporific effect of my simply standing up in court (after I have made fun of the prosecution in a really clever, post-modern sort of way) and quoting directly and extensively from the Federal Criminal Code.  They'll beg me to stop but I won't.  I will parse and interpret the obvious, and before I'm done, they'll be saying, 'What?  $90,000 in ill-gotten cash next to the ice cream?  What?  What does that have to do with anything?  I hear that Southeast Missouri State once employed a guy who did the same thing, sort of.  Right?  Where were we again?  Can we just acquit this guy and go home now?' Meh, get ready for it, it's going to be like that."


Mary Sue Coleman had no comment whatsoever.  Previously, in response to l'affaire Rodriquez, she icily noted:  "Good.  The me-too defense nickel package, coupled with the shoot-the-messenger blitz, and the read-the-phone-book robber up cover-3.  Um-hmm.  Like I run a me-too institution and could care at all if they do this sort of thing at Southeast Missouri State.  Like I wanted to hire this tawdry individual in the first place.  Like I heard about how terrible a coach Lloyd was, but that I can't subtract 9 from 3 and realize I get a negative number.  I don't think," she added ominously, "l'affaire Rodriguez est fini." 


Lloyd Carr, reached for comment while fishing for walleye in the UP, cleared his throat and said, "This Cook guy probably knows more about that criminal defense sort of thing than running a football program, or managing a university, or hiring people, would be my guess.  My, he types very quickly.  Oh, one thing.  If Mary Sue lapses into French?  Someone is going to have a bad year."


Bill Martin, who hired Rodriguez despite the latter attempting to illegally circumvent an employment contract without paying a seven-figure breakup fee, added, "Well, I'm indebted to Brian because his work allowed me to terminate the independent, internal investigation that President Coleman previously required me to implement in a terse, 11-word phone call.  Funny, instead of saying "good-bye" she said "au revoir."  Anyway, we'll see how he does with an actual live felon who laundered money next to his Eskimo Pies.  I'm going sailing now  -- it's happening right now -- and I won't have my phone."


Kirk Ferentz, reached by phone because he doesn't use the internet, much less read blog thingys, understand post-modern irony, and has instructed his staff to "hit me with a baseball bat" if he does, said, "UNI's got a real good team and hey, I have to tell you, we're just Iowa here, we're going to have to be playing at our very best to have a chance out there."


[For more information: 'duh':  ]



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