Hi, people, and welcome to another episode of Big Screen Talkin'! I'm your host as always, Bob Bruce, and we've got a great guest today! But I'm sure you'd watch just for me!
(mugs obnoxiously for the camera)
Please welcome Ed Helms!
Hi, hello everybody.
Now Ed, people know you from "The Office," but for my money, your best work was as a reporter on Jon Stewart's groundbreaking news show, "The Daily Show." Why switch from journalism to comedy?
Well, it's funny, we're ostensibly a comedy show, but Jon does a good job of
I see what you did there!
Hmm?
"It's funny"! And then you said comedy! You are a laugh riot!
Oh, okay, sure.
I like Samantha B. What does the B stand for? I think it stands for gut-Busting hilarious!
Wouldn't that be... that wouldn't be a B.
"Be a B"! You are too much!
Right. Um. I have a movie I kind of want to talk about, if you don't mind.
"B.B." is my initials! I had a middle name, but for my 30th birthday, my wife altered my birth certificate! We have since divorced!
My, uh... she did what to your birth certificate? Never mind. The movie is called "Cedar Rapids," actually.
My staff tells me that, as it turns out, your movie shares a name with a famous city!
Yes, we named it after the city in Iowa, Cedar Rapids.
I'm borderline retarded on a house cat's scale of intelligence, to say nothing of human, and I think that a "Cedar Rapids" movie is a fantastic idea!
Is that a good thing, or shou
But you're also working on another project!
Well, yes, now that you mention it, I am. I don't really like to talk about movies that are still being written, much less in production or
C'mon, Bobbo's your friend!
I mean, there's no title yet or anything
TELL ME, DOGNARDS FROM THE OFFICE, TELL ME
Well, all right, otherwise this interview will be even more intolerable and unfunny.
(mugs for the camera)
A Civil War comedy? Sign me up for the North, because I'm hitching my wagon to this winner!
I... what?
The North won the Civil War, Ed Helm, and I for one think we're all a little better off for it.
(grins like an idiot)
I don't think we really need a basic history lesson; the movie's not really about--
Tell me more about the movie! What's the plot?
What? We would never even give that away even if the movie were finished and in theaters, that's not the point of
Well, give us something!
I already did!
Give us more! Do something like as if you're doing the voiceover for a commercial, then, how would it go?
Oh, okay, I can do that. Okay, hmm, it would probably go like this.
THIS SUMMER
ED HELMS
IS
CORNSHOE HAMMAKER
Oh, fun! Go into character for us, won't you?
I'm not sure that's a good id
(mugs for the camera again)
...that's an awesome idea actually
Cornshoe reporting for duty!
Wheeee! Have you ever seen one of these things? Say something into the microphone! It's from the future! Do you know what the future is???
That's no microphone, Robert.
It feels heavy, actually. Wait a second, my microphone turned into a Civil War cannon!
BOOM
(mugging head flies a good 300 yards to the horror and delight of the audience)
Yeeee-ha! Cornshoe Hammaker is a untamed mustang!
You scoundrel!
(gasp) Zombie Lincoln!
I will avenge my death and retrieve the treasure map so I can finally get Dracula's gold!
I HATE ABE SO MUCH, GET HIM CORNSHOE
Hello, Joseph! Let's take down a traitor once and for all! One thing's for sure about Abe Lincoln, he's no Ronald Reagan!
OH GOD CORNSHOE YOU ARE MY FAVORITE PERSON OF ALL TIMES
NOTHING BUT GOAT SPIT AND INDUSTRIAL TAR RUNNING THROUGH THOSE VEINS
CERTAINLY NOT A DROP OF THE SPANIARD'S BLOOD
You're right, Paterno! Let's take down Zombie Lincoln together, that evil menace!
Whaaaat? Two upon one isn't sporting!
CORNSHOE, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND IF I PURSUE THE ZOMBIE ON ALL FOURS, I'M LIKE A CHEETAH WHEN I RUN
Why, I was just wondering what I'd do with this saddle that would fit perfectly on that strong, not-at-all-wrought-by-osteoporosis back of yours!
HOP ON AND LET'S PURSUE VICTORY
YEEEEEE-HAAA! Cornshoe Hammaker rides again!
(gallops after the fear-stricken Zombie Lincoln)
Awww, look at him.
Psst! Secretary!
Hmmm?
C'mere. You should see this.
SNOOOOOOORE
Awwww! Look at the big boss!
Shhh! He's sleeping! And he's moving his little arms like a dog does!
That's so adorable.
I wonder what he's dreaming about.
(pulls off Zombie Lincoln's mask)
You're not the 16th President! You're Bobby Bowden!
WE HAVE YOU NOW YOU SAVAGE
Dadgum mubberjub bungleswarp
Eat cannon, you festering slave-owner!
BOOM
(head totally explodes into a fine red mist)
I bet he's just dreaming about football.
Yeah, probably. Good ol' Dad.
I say, did you see this telegram? You're not the father of this Jay Paterno fellow! Your wife was just a common harlot! I believe you've got legal grounds for a divorce now, good fellow!
THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE