- Tim Brewser meets with a group of recruits on the field at Kinnick North-Northeast -
So, did you see the new locker room?
Yeah, coach. It sure is impressive.
Everything is upholstered in leather and smells like Burt Reynolds.
Our tour guide said you could fit every Gopher season ticket holder in that room. Is that true, Coach Brew?
Oh, Clarence. You could WIN FIGHT TRY GOPHER BEST HATE LOSING EXCLAMATION POINT fit the extended family of every Gopher season ticket holder in that locker room. Second cousins, even.
Well, it sure is impressive, Coach.
You boys have any questions for the Old Brew Coach?
I guess we know about the program's history now, Coach. You even took us to see the fake national championship trophy Minnesota had made for its part in a 4-way split national championship during the Eisenhower administration.
Don't tell our fans that we split that championship with Iowa. They'll go crazy.
What I'm saying is, we know all about how Minnesota football used to be relevant. What we don't know much about is your history, Coach. For instance, what is your coaching record?
Bless WIN FIGHT GOPHER you.
Are all those here at Minnesota?
No. I used to coach the Denver Broncos.
I'm sorry, my secretary apparently has allergies.
No, coach, I don't have allergies. Can I talk to you for a second, in private?
You have to stop lying.
I'm not WINNING TRYING COMPETING SUCCEEDING EVER GOING TO BEAT IOWA lying!
113-61-1? We've been through this. You're 8-17.
THAT GAME NEVER HAPPENED.
Fine, 8-16. And you never coached the Denver Broncos.
Stop taking me out of context. All I'm saying is I have worked with some great coaches, like Mack Brown and Mike Shanahan.
Then why don't you just say that?
I can't fit that in 140 characters.
One: Not everything you say has to be Twitter-compatible. Two: That's less than 140 characters.
Not after including 80 exclamation points.
OK, so you claim I have taken your words out of context. I'm going to read a list of things you've told recruits over the past month, and you tell me what you meant to say.
"I won the Super Bowl."
I coached tight ends for a guy who won the Super Bowl before I started coaching tight ends for him.
"I recruited Vince Young."
I took Vince Young's SAT test for him.
"I am the NHL all-time leader in goals scored."
I once went to a Blackhawks game.
"I was the inspiration for the character Captain James T. Kirk."
I bought a teleportation device on eBay.
"I wrote Lady Chatterley's Lover."
In college, I had a beard like D.H. Lawrence.
"I am Benjamin Disraeli."
I know a very good lawyer.
"I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby."
My nephew is a pilot.
"I know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried."
Goodfellas is my favorite movie.
Coach, those are not examples of me taking your words out of context. Those are examples of you lying about your credentials. You have to stop doing that.
Now - I can't believe I'm saying this - how's about I finish this recruiting tour for you, and you can go back to your office and Twitter?
No need. I have a staff member taking care of the Twittering today.
- Meanwhile, in a windowless room deep in the bowels of TCF Bank Stadium,
lit only by the unnatural green glow of an Apple IIe monitor -
Awesome day of camp!!! Over 400 kids at the U today competing like crazy!!! Another big day tomorrow!!! Do YOU love Gopher Football?!?!?!
Can't wait to watch the Bigs compete!!! TCF Bnak Stadium is wowwwing recruits on a daily Basis!!!! Go Gophers!!!!!
Eric Decker has got to be one of the Best Athletes in the Nation!!!!!!!!! He hates Losing more than he loves Winning!!!! Compete!!!!!!!!
Someone please let me out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!