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Tim Brewster Meets Recruits


- Tim Brewser meets with a group of recruits on the field at Kinnick North-Northeast -

Brewsterpowericon_medium   So, did you see the new locker room?
Recruit3icon_medium   Yeah, coach.  It sure is impressive.
Recruit2icon_medium   Everything is upholstered in leather and smells like Burt Reynolds.
Recruit1icon_medium   Our tour guide said you could fit every Gopher season ticket holder in that room.  Is that true, Coach Brew?
Brewsterpowericon_medium  Oh, Clarence.  You could WIN FIGHT TRY GOPHER BEST HATE LOSING EXCLAMATION POINT fit the extended family of every Gopher season ticket holder in that locker room.  Second cousins, even.
Recruit2icon_medium  Well, it sure is impressive, Coach.
Brewsterpowericon_medium  You boys have any questions for the Old Brew Coach?
Recruit3icon_medium  I guess we know about the program's history now, Coach.  You even took us to see the fake national championship trophy Minnesota had made for its part in a 4-way split national championship during the Eisenhower administration.
Brewsterpowericon_medium  Don't tell our fans that we split that championship with Iowa.  They'll go crazy.
Recruit3icon_medium  What I'm saying is, we know all about how Minnesota football used to be relevant.  What we don't know much about is your history, Coach.  For instance, what is your coaching record?
Brewsterpowericon_medium  113-61-1
Seceretary3icon_medium   Ahem.
Brewsterpowericon_medium  Bless WIN FIGHT GOPHER you.
Recruit1icon_medium  Are all those here at Minnesota?
Brewsterpowericon_medium  No.  I used to coach the Denver Broncos.
Seceretary3icon_medium  Ahem.
Brewsterpowericon_medium  I'm sorry, my secretary apparently has allergies.
Seceretary3icon_medium  No, coach, I don't have allergies.  Can I talk to you for a second, in private?

Seceretary3icon_medium  You have to stop lying.
Seceretary3icon_medium  113-61-1?  We've been through this.  You're 8-17.
Brewsterpowericon_medium  THAT GAME NEVER HAPPENED.
Seceretary3icon_medium  Fine, 8-16.  And you never coached the Denver Broncos.
Brewsterpowericon_medium  Stop taking me out of context.  All I'm saying is I have worked with some great coaches, like Mack Brown and Mike Shanahan.
Seceretary3icon_medium  Then why don't you just say that?
Brewsterpowericon_medium  I can't fit that in 140 characters.
Seceretary3icon_medium  One: Not everything you say has to be Twitter-compatible.  Two: That's less than 140 characters.
Brewsterpowericon_medium  Not after including 80 exclamation points.
Seceretary3icon_medium  OK, so you claim I have taken your words out of context.  I'm going to read a list of things you've told recruits over the past month, and you tell me what you meant to say.
Seceretary3icon_medium  "I won the Super Bowl."
Brewsterpowericon_medium  I coached tight ends for a guy who won the Super Bowl before I started coaching tight ends for him.
Seceretary3icon_medium  "I recruited Vince Young."
Brewsterpowericon_medium  I took Vince Young's SAT test for him.
Seceretary3icon_medium  "I am the NHL all-time leader in goals scored."
Brewsterpowericon_medium  I once went to a Blackhawks game.
Seceretary3icon_medium  "I was the inspiration for the character Captain James T. Kirk."
Brewsterpowericon_medium  I bought a teleportation device on eBay.
Seceretary3icon_medium  "I wrote Lady Chatterley's Lover."
Brewsterpowericon_medium  In college, I had a beard like D.H. Lawrence.
Seceretary3icon_medium  "I am Benjamin Disraeli."
Brewsterpowericon_medium  I know a very good lawyer.
Seceretary3icon_medium  "I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby."
Brewsterpowericon_medium  My nephew is a pilot.
Seceretary3icon_medium  "I know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried."
Brewsterpowericon_medium  Goodfellas is my favorite movie.
Seceretary3icon_medium  Coach, those are not examples of me taking your words out of context.  Those are examples of you lying about your credentials.  You have to stop doing that. 
Seceretary3icon_medium  Now - I can't believe I'm saying this - how's about I finish this recruiting tour for you, and you can go back to your office and Twitter?
Brewsterpowericon_medium  No need.  I have a staff member taking care of the Twittering today.

- Meanwhile, in a windowless room deep in the bowels of TCF Bank Stadium,
lit only by the unnatural green glow of an Apple IIe monitor -

Zombiegirl_medium   Awesome day of camp!!!  Over 400 kids at the U today competing like crazy!!!  Another big day tomorrow!!!  Do YOU love Gopher Football?!?!?!
Zombiegirl_medium  Can't wait to watch the Bigs compete!!!  TCF Bnak Stadium is wowwwing recruits on a daily Basis!!!!  Go Gophers!!!!!
Zombiegirl_medium  Eric Decker has got to be one of the Best Athletes in the Nation!!!!!!!!! He hates Losing more than he loves Winning!!!!  Compete!!!!!!!!
Zombiegirl_medium  Someone please let me out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!