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ISS NAHT A TU--Oh, I Guess It Is A Tumor

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Ken Iwebema. Remember that guy? As you're probably aware, he was drafted by the Arizona Cardinals, where he plays today. They were doing some "routine X-rays," maybe as part of Radiation Thursday or something, and they found where he'd been hiding all that physical talent during his last two seasons at Iowa something rather unexpected:

A benign, baseball-size tumor has been removed from the chest of Arizona Cardinals defensive end Kenny Iwebema.

Trainer Tom Reed says Iwebema showed no symptoms and that the condition could have been life-threatening had it gone undetected.

The most disturbing aspect of the story is probably that the growth was discovered on April 30, but not removed until Monday. That's like 3 weeks! What if it wasn't a benign tumor at all... but an egg??? Like from the facefuckhuggers in Alien? Then this would have happened!


Okay, you're probably saying, "but that's fiction and my GOD are you ever stupid." Fiction, huh? Well wikipedia isn't fiction [debatable.--ed.] and it says this:

After implantation, facehuggers die and the embryo's host wakes up afterwards showing no considerable outward negative symptoms. Symptoms build acutely after detachment of the facehugger, the most common being sore throat, slight nausea, increased congestion and moderate to extreme hunger.[1] In later stages where the incubation period is extended in preparation of a queen birth, symptoms will include a shortness of breath, exhaustion, and hemorrhaging (detectable through biological scanners and present in nosebleeds or other seemingly random bleeding incidents), as well as chest pains inflicted either in lack of chest space due to the chestburster's presence, or even premature attempts to escape the host.[9] The incubating embryo may take on some of the host's DNA or traits, such as bipedalism, quadrupedalism[9] or possessing the mandibles of a Predator[43] and other body structure changes. Over the course of 1-24 hours (indeterminable in some cases, and sometimes up to a week, in the case of some queens), the embryo develops into a chestburster, at which point it emerges, violently ripping open the chest of the host, killing it.

THAT. IS. SCARY. What if Iwebema had that happen to him? Lawsuit for sure! Oh, and also certain doom for the rest of the human race.

But we digress. Get better soon, Ken (and save the tumor so you can play catch with it later).