BHGP Presents: Ask Norm Parker

[Ed. note -- This first appeared in BHGP in April 2009. It is republished today in honor of Norm Parker. Or something like that. We just think he would think it's funny.]

Periodically during the off-season, BHGP will present readers an opportunity to have Iowa legend Norm Parker answer one of their questions. We think it's an opportunity to educate and inform fans about the state of the Iowa football program, plus just let "Norm be Norm." Now, our lawyers insist that for legal reasons, we make it clear that none of this is not actually true, but we're pretty sure that anyone who's read BHGP for more than 5 seconds knows that already.

Dear Norm:

What's the situation with the linebackers? Is A.J. Edds' injury serious?

Steve P., Loretta, KS

Loretta, huh? Loretta's my wife's name! Funny story about that--she wasn't my first choice. I never told her this, but back when I was 24 and just getting out of the Marines, I decided I needed to settle down, picked out a ring and everything, but I didn't have a lady in my life at that point. So I go over to Rod's Diner, great old place, burned down back in '87, and I order a porterhouse, medium. You order a medium rare there, and the thing's still mooing. God, I miss that place. Anyway, steak comes out, and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. So I ask the steak to marry me. God as my witness, the thing says yes!

Well, I'd never been so happy in my life, still haven't. Damn thing of it is, though, where do you put an engagement ring on a 14-ounce steak? They don't have fingers! If you just put it on top, it falls off too easy, but if you put it under the steak, nobody can see it and it just gets all covered in the juice. So we fought for a while before I realized that it wasn't going to work. I'm about to cry just thinking about it, but sure enough, I decided that I had to eat my very first fiancee. Especially before it got cold! So I'm eating and crying and eating and crying, washing it all down with a Stroh's or five, and next thing I know, I can't find the ring anymore. And it dawns on me... I ate that too! Well, nothing much you can do at that point but pray, you know. And I don't know if you've ever passed a 3/4 carat diamond, but that is absolute hell on your intestines.

So that's how my first engagement went south. I went from a committed man to crapping blood for five months straight. My life's never been the same. But Loretta's nice all the same, I suppose. Plus she's got something any fiancee needs... a ring finger!!

Norm Parker is the defensive coordinator for the University of Iowa. His wife is not named Loretta.