Longtime readers may remember that we've had quite a bit of fun with Tim Brewster over the past two years. We conducted an interview that devolved into a Barbara Walters special. We made him celebrate Patrick Duffy's birthday with Joe Paterno. We made him the object of our hate.
We also afflicted Tremendous Tim with the rarest and most debilitating of all coaching-related mental/speech conditions: We gave him Motivatonal Tourette's Syndrome. Brewster speaks (in all caps) with words like "WIN," "FIGHT," and "TREMENDOUS" sprinkled throughout. While it proves effective during recruiting, it gets in the way of playcalling.
We say "we gave him Motivational Tourette's" because that post, like pretty much every other post here, is a work of fiction. You see that disclaimer on the right? We make this stuff up. Tim Brewster is a graduate of the University of Illinois and a successful football coach. Surely he doesn't actually write and speak like a chimpanzee at a Tony Robbins seminar...
Life imitates art, my friends. I give you the Tim Brewster Twitter feed. His last three unedited "tweets" (and that will be the last time I ever use that word, I swear):
JUST OFF THE FIELD FROM PRACTICE #1....GUYS SHOWED GREAT ATTITUDE AND EFFORT TODAY!
EACH GUY CONTROLS WHAT HE BRINGS TO THE TABLE EACH DAY ATTITUDE, EFFORT, TOUGHNESS AND PASSION NOT TAUGHT BUT BROUGHT!
WINNING ON AND OFF THE FIELD EACH AND EVERY DAY IS WHAT CREATES A CHAMPION!
Best of all, these were (1) clearly caps lock enabled, and (2) all published within an hour of each other. Brewster was apparently so jacked up from his first spring practice that he had no choice but to hold down the Shift key and get all that Motivational Tourette's out of his system.
Other things we learned from Tim Brewster's Twitter feed:
- His bio is COACH BREW and he's located in MINNESOTA
- He clearly doesn't read the financial page: Coach Brew is referring to the Gophers' new stadium as "The Bank" (a reference to stadium name sponsor TCF Bank). This, of couse, is in the face of a $700B federal bank bailout package. Let's just say that when Minnesota blows another fourth quarter lead against Northwestern, we won't have to go to far to find the "collapse" joke.
- Go should be capitalized at all times (and followed by an exclamation point or three, if possible)
- He thinks he has a great staff and hardworking players. Nebraska fans might disagree.
- He's looking for playmakers. So if you're one of those, let him know.
- He's OFFICIALLY HI-TECH!
- WIN FIGHT TRY TREMENDOUS WIN EXPLOSIVE ATTITUDE (sorry, it slipped)
This is to say nothing of his new website, Play4Brew.com (formerly owned by the Milwaukee Fighting Schlitz's of the independent Northern League), which plays a slideshow of three Minnesota players who, ironically, never Played4Brew, and a video of a zombie coed praising a tutor's "ten yore" at Texas. While there, you can register as a member of the "BrewZone." Believe me, I already have.
Tim Brewster: More ridiculous in real life than even we could imagine. Some days, the posts write themselves.
(Massive T/F/J: Long-time reader and Hawkeye Sports News blogger JamesMouton)