WELCOME TO THE REMARCHIFORNICATION BRACKET MADNESS TOURNAMENT. The bracket itself is still in production because fuck you, that's why. It'll be done tonight, unless it isn't.
#1 SEED: JOE PATERNO
Tournament bid: Automatic
Pros
- This happened.
- Is our favorite person in the world.
- Was on Celebrity Big Ten Jeopardy.
Cons
- [JoePa Chronicles really tailed off this year, didn't they?--ed] We were diversifying! [aka you suck.--ed]
Statement
HELLO PEOPLE
YOU CAN CALL ME MISTER PATERNO, THANK YOU
THAT WILL BE FINE
I DON'T UNDERSTAND MUCH ABOUT THIS RAMADA-COPULATION OR WHATEVER YOU'RE CALLING THIS FESTIVAL
THOUGH I DID SPRAY AT A HOLIDAY INN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT
Hahahaha, good joke, dad!
NO CONDOMS IF THE PROSTITUTE'S ALREADY DEAD, I SAY
...that took the joke a little too far.
WHAT IN SATAN'S ASSCRACK LEADS YOU TO BELIEVE I WAS TELLING A JOKE
ANYWAY
I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT RAMALAMAPOONCRUSHING
BUT I DO KNOW THAT THIS PITS ME AGAINST THE IRISH, AND I WILL BE DAMNED IF AN IRISHMAN EVER GETS THE BEST OF OL' MISTER PATERNO, THANK YOU
IRISH THEY WOULD ALL DIE
THERE'S YOUR JOKE
You scare me, dad.
SHUT UP
#8 SEED: LOU HOLTZ
Tournament Bid: At-Large
Pros
- Hate Bowl halftime speechwriter.
- Was murdered by J Leman after being sent to kill Bob Zook by Charlie Weis
- Is fucknuts crazy.
Cons
- Just got shot to death again by Chinese Security Guards
ROR
- ...wait, what?!
NOTE: CHINESE SECURITY GUARDS HAVE KILLED LOU HOLTZ AND ASSUMED HOLTZ'S POSITION IN THE TOURNAMENT.
#8 SEED: CHINESE SECURITY GUARDS
Tournament bid: Highlander
Pros
- Helped Mao and Yao almost take over the world
- Part of Ron Zook's elite security team
- successfully impersonated Iowa assistant coach Lester Erb during Outback Bowl preparations
- Just fucking killed Lou Holtz in cold blood, in case you weren't paying attention to the very large letters.
Cons
- I think a reasonable person would look at the entire list of pros above and immediately consider them pretty heavy "cons."
- Foiled by J Leman in the first two schemes anyway.
Statement
Herro, puny Amewicans! I am Chinese Secuwity Guawd! Prease ignowe the fact that the wwiting on my hermet is actuarry Kowean. I vow to win this sirry touwnament and bwing honow to Mao and Yao! Arr who oppose us wirr be kirred! ROROROROROR