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Notre Dame Tried to Contact Kirk Ferentz? Okay Then

Iconphone45_medium BEEEEEEEEP

Iconsecretarykok_medium Coach? There's a

Iconferentz_medium No.

Iconsecretarykok_medium Fine. Mr. Ferentz, there's

Iconferentz_medium NO. Use your secretary voice.

Iconsecretarykok_medium sigh

Iconsecretarykok_medium (Mrs. Doubtfire-voice) There's a call for you on line two sir, righty-o!

Iconferentz_medium Better, but what's with the accent?

Iconsecretarykok_medium I dunno. I'm bored. This job sucks.

Iconferentz_medium It's what you get for deserting us last year. Anyway, I'll take the call. Thanks, Martha.

Iconsecretarykok_medium Can't you just call me Ken?

Iconferentz_medium Of course not, Martha. Big boy business now. Too-de-loo.

Iconphone45_medium BEEP CLICK WHIRR

Iconferentz_medium This is Kirk.

Iconswarbrick_medium Yeah, hi Kirk, Jack Swarbrick here. I'm the AD at a school called Notre Dame. Perhaps you've heard of it.

Iconferentz_medium What do you want?

Iconswarbrick_medium We were just curious on a scale of 9 to 10, where 1 is "would only go to Notre Dame for at least $2 million per" and 10 is "you pay us $2 million a year to coach here," how much you're looking forward to being our next coach.

Iconferentz_medium No.

Iconswarbrick_medium Kirk, c'mon, no offense, but this is Notre Dame. Iowa's just a stupid state with vowels and a birdy mascot.

Iconferentz_medium No.

Iconswarbrick_medium So by "no," you're actually like a 5 or 6, kinda wanting to break even?

Iconferentz_medium No.

Iconswarbrick_medium How about we talk money. What's it going to take? $2 million a year? Maybe $1 million?

Iconferentz_medium No.

Iconswarbrick_medium Look, Kirk, I'm just trying to gauge your interest in this, clearly one of the top 2 jobs in the world.

Iconferentz_medium It's taking an awful lot of patience to not just start making fart noises at you over the phone.

Iconswarbrick_medium How about $1.1 million and your own parking spot in a commuter lot.


Iconswarbrick_medium Oh come on!


Iconswarbrick_medium Look, I don't need to take this from you, Ferentz!

Iconferentz_medium I think you do.

Iconswarbrick_medium You're not that big a deal. You're like 7th on our list. At best. Show some respect.

Iconferentz_medium So that many people have turned down your crappy job?

Iconswarbrick_medium NO! ...maybe. Son of a gun.

Iconferentz_medium Look, I'd be happy to put you back on the line with my secretary; he's also my offensive coordinator and he's probably decorating cupcakes with Legos and wondering why they don't taste good right now.

Iconsecretarykok_medium (peeking head in) Mithter Ferenth, I don't wanna imperrup, but I tfink I chipped a toof. I go home?

Iconferentz_medium He's all yours for $25 million a year, 10 more million a year for Joe Moore's estate, and decoration rights to your field.

Iconswarbrick_medium WHAT?!

Iconferentz_medium Check your inbox; I've already forwarded you an idea.


Iconswarbrick_medium That is inappropriate! I have half a mind to hang up on you without offering you the job!

Iconferentz_medium The finished product, of course, would include several leafy greens planted in the end zone.

Iconferentz_medium And pubes.

Iconferentz_medium Lots of pubes.

Iconswarbrick_medium Good bye!

Iconphone45_medium CLICK

Iconferentz_medium Good save on the cupcake gag, Ken. Nice looking out. You keep that up, I won't make you be Secretary anymore.

Iconsecretarykok_medium Fankth but my toof really ith brokem.

Iconferentz_medium sigh

Iconferentz_medium Go home.

Iconsecretarykok_medium (leaves)

Iconferentz_medium (drums fingers on desk)

Iconferentz_medium (thinks)

Iconphone45_medium BEEP BOOP BORP

Iconnorm_medium HELLO

Iconferentz_medium Hey Norm, it's Kirk. Chupto?


Iconnorm_medium YOU WANT IN OR WHAT

Iconferentz_medium Be there in 10.