(obvious sarcasm/parody warning, for our new friends who are only now getting into the humor game. Welcome. It's fun, isn't it?)
Georgia Tech updates offensive scheme, unveils new hendecuple option
ATLANTA – In their preparation for the upcoming Orange Bowl vs. the Iowa Hawkeyes, the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets have decided to completely overhaul their offensive system.
While the Yellow Jackets (11-3), are feared in the ACC with their vaunted triple-option attack, head coach Paul Johnson decided that the team needed more spark on the offensive side of the ball.
"Why have three guys run the ball when I can have 8 more?" Johnson asked. "Seems like a better idea to me."
The reason? Norm Parker, Iowa's defensive coordinator.
"That man's older than Moses," Johnson said. "And my offense is only Jesus-old. I'm sure he's got notes on it somewhere."
Johnson speculated that Parker coached against the flexbone at in a strategic victory at Antietam.
To combat Parker's supposed knowledge of the scheme and the skill of the Iowa defense, Johnson has begun to draw up what he calls the next logical step in flexbone technology. The hendecuple option.
"Eleven skill players," Johnson said. "All ready to run at any time. Can't come up with anything older than Norm, so I'm gonna confuse him with the newfangled stuff."
With the quickness of his team, Johnson said he does not think they will need any blockers. They also will not need a center.
"Josh [Nesbitt, quarterback] is just gonna grab the ball and run backward really really fast when the play starts," he said. "That's just good southern football right there. We've got ESSS EEEE CEEE speed!"
When informed that his team is in the Atlantic Coast Conference and not the Southeastern Conference, Johnson denied the allegations.
"If we're not in the SEC how come we play Georgia every year?" he asked.
Georgia Tech bloggers estimate that Johnson's new scheme will even top popular point-a-minute offensive gameplans.
"By my estimate, we'll generate an average 22.793 YPC and 7800.348123 YPG," one such nerd said. "Our ATK and STR ratings will go through the roof, as we have vastly superior CON to begin with. YAC. BLK. BBQ. JISM."
Outside of blockers to protect the Yellow Jacket offense from the likes of Pat Angerer, Tyler "Motherfucking" Sash, and the eagle on Pat Angerer's bicep (37 tackles, 12.5 TFL), there are rule concerns with Johnson's new hendecuple option.
With 11 skill players on the offensive side, Georgia Tech will not have any set line. Because of this, they could be handed penalties on every snap. Johnson, for his part, is not worried.
"There won't be any penalties," he said. "The refs aren't as fast as my guys. They won't be able to catch us."
Having 11 players running an option at once would be quite the challenge for any defense to stop. Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz, when asked about Georgia Tech's offensive developments, laughed mischievously.
"Angerer'll take care of that shit," he said. "Have you looked at the guy? Tackling skinny nerds is his life's calling."
Ferentz then added "I mean, it'll be a tough game. Georgia Tech's a good team and I'm sure they'll bring some surprises to the table."
Parker would not comment over the phone on what specific changes the Iowa defense is making to its gameplan, saying he prefers to communicate via telegraph.
"Western Union," he said. "Good stuff."
Georgia Tech and Iowa will face off in the FedEx Orange Bowl on Jan. 5.
