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It's Gotta Be The Hair


Drinking will make the pain go away faster, Coach.

Who's 3-7, getting outscored by 14 ppg*, has a Sagarin rating of 203, and proud owners of the worst record of any team in a BCS conference?  If you guessed the Punxsutawney State Fightin' Groundhogs, you'd be wrong.  And an idiot.  But if you guessed the Iowa Hawkeye men's basketball team, then you would be oh-so-right.  Your prize?  Six more weeks of winter Three more months of soul-crushing anguish and deplorable basketball.  "But we already know they suck," you say.   Of course you do.  You want to know why they suck. 

Many theories have been put forth already -- it's the system; it's the talent (or lack threreof); it's the curse of Dr. Tom -- but those are all lies.  The real culprit behind Iowa's tragically awful hoops team?  It's not the as-thrilling-as-counting-empty-seats-in-CHA Butler way, nor the woeful lack of talent (or experience) in the guys suiting up, nor any tigerhawk-bedecked voodoo dolls that Tom Davis may be forcefully pounding needles into... it's the hair.  One need only look at some of the glorious 'dos that wowed the (literal) thousands of fans packed into Carver-Hawkeye (and the hundreds of thousands watching on TV, back when that was an option in Iowa):


Ronnie Lester: not only a legend for his exploits on the court, but also for the majesty of his hair.



It's unclear exactly what's going on up top there, but admit it -- you can't stop looking at it, either.


Who would fuck with a flattop like that?  Craig Brackins would be shitting himself by the first TV timeout.


Not technically a pic from his (brief) Iowa basketball days, but Ricky totally could have rocked a 'fro at Iowa, right?

And before you go spouting "That's racist!," note that even the melanin-challenged members Iowa hoopsters brought more to the table back in the good old days:


A TOTALLY accurate and undoctored photo.  For reals.

But look at the follicular folly on the current team:


We may be the only BCS team with more buzzcuts than a military academy.

Where's the style?  The panache?  Where are the gravity-defying afros or the rock-hard manliness of a good flattop?  Hell, we'd even settle for the Gornstar's Gorney Monster's moptop or Brunner's horseshoe effect -- anything but the dullness on display now.  But just imagine what today's players could look like a dash of their forebears' dapper 'dos...


If it's good enough for Val Barnes, it's good enough for Jarryd Cole.


Kevin Coble can't handle the sheer AWESOMENESS of a flattop like that.


OK, Brommer still looks ridiculous.


You have to admit -- the Spector 'fro would totally distract people from getting a hand in The Moose's face on 3s.


A chubby kid with a bowl cut is just a chump; a chubby kid with a mohawk is a badass.  Kind of.

You see?  With one simple little trip to the stylist, some scissors, and a whole lotta hair gel, our losing ways can be tossed in the proverbial trash can along with those frumpy 'dos.  God knows we're never going to beat most teams straight up.

*= That's the actual margin of defeat in the three losses to BCS-level foes.  Thus far, our efforts to have Iowa basketball granted a hardship waiver and placed in the Summit League have gone unheeded by the NCAA.  Fuckers.