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Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will...

The Top Ten Reasons Why Iowa Will Lose list has been taken off-line for the remainder of the season. The list was horribly inaccurate for longer than I ever could have hoped. Ironically it was the 10th game that neutralized its power. 

But I personally would feel empty not having some sort of list to credit for Iowa's victory this Saturday, so I have created a sincere list of reasons why Iowa will win.

Get ready to feel lucky!


Top Ten Reasons Iowa Will Beat The Motherfucking Shit Out Of Ohio State!

10. Good Health. Hawks are in great health heading to The Shoe. While you focus on Stanzi, Robinson, Chaney, Jr., Sandeman, Greenwood, and Richardson....I focus on Moeaki!

9. Fashion Forward Play Calling. I put a note underneath Ken O'Keefe's townhouse front door (yeah, he lives in a townhouse) on Thursday. I made some suggestions, provided some feedback, and left my email address on the off-chance he wanted to respond. Well, guess what? Now he emailed me this in total confidence, so shut your yap after I tell you: he's going to leave the naked bootleg out of the game plan for Saturday. There, everyone happy?

8. Dutch Boy. Get this! Vandenberg means "on or near the low hill" in Dutch. I was hoping for a naming omen and this was not helpful, at all.

7. Sitting Duck. Young James Vandenberg apparently is quite the duck hunter. And those who know about duck hunting know that it requires a gun, decoys and optimism. Those should all come in handy this Saturday.

6. Checking Pre-flop with Pocket Pair (Aces). Buckeye coach Jim Tressel plays it literally and figuratively close to the vest. So, expect him to wait for Iowa to mistake its way into a loss on Saturday. Given the Hawks recent turnover ratio, sounds like a safe move. Tressel would do well though to remember this ancient Dutch proverb: The little man who seeks safety only opens the door to his own mortal fear.

5. The Eyes Have It. Buckeyes v. Hawkeyes? In the Rochambeau of nicknames, I'll take bird over nut, all day long.

4. Statistical Odds. Ohio State is 44-14-4 against Iowa all-time. And since the Kennedy administration the Buckeyes have lost to Iowa a grand total of 3 times. Three! The chances of that happening are one in a godzillion. So unlike in any previous year, the statistical odds are definitely in our favor.

3. Alive and Kicking. Ohio State's place-kicker, Aaron Pettrey, is out for the season with a knee injury, so inexperienced Devin Barclay has taken his place. If Iowa can stop the Buckeyes in the Old Spice Zone and force Barclay to convert field goals, then look the fuck out baby.

2. Mrs. T. With the injury to Ricky Stanzi, Terrelle Pryor remains the lone QB X-factor in the Big Ten. Pryor has one quasi-marquee win and a doozy of a choke on his resume so far. If Iowa can make him "take ownership" of this game, something that Jim Tressel meticulously game plans NOT to happen, then they have an excellent shot. Pryor is a man-child and under pressure has been known to have on-field emotional swings and outbursts that would make Oprah cringe. Expect Norm Parker to play Barbara Walters on Saturday and pressue the boy into a National TV crying fit.

1. Kirk Ferentz. Need I say more?