An Open Letter to Derrell Johnson-Koulianos

[Bumped, but you're really going to have to read the Harty article to get where this is coming from.--OPS]

Iowa WR Derrell Johnson-Koulianos -- Michigan postgame (via gazetteonline)

Dear Derrell Johnson-Koulianos:

Pat Harty was right; you need to get with the program.

Enough is enough already. This not-knowing-your-place shit has got to stop and you need to get with the program. I mean, who do you think you are with your hyphenated name, the tricked out acronym, and the white wall tires? Huh? And we all saw the scarf and the banker's coat you slipped into for interviews after the Michigan game. Give us a God damned break. Coach said the team had to wear an old button down oxford shirt, preferably from before you started lifting weights, and one of those waiter ties from TGI Friday's; but you have to look all Sax Fifth Avenue.

See, that's the kind of uppity bull crap that just keeps you off the program. Listen, Ferentz is trying to run a program here and the last I checked, there's no "uppity negro" in t-e-a-m. So what's it going to be Johnson (yeah, you heard me, were done with that pretentious hyphen-Koulianos shit)?

Everyone can see that you've got your own agenda, and it apparently includes eating lots of bananas. Well there's banana peels all over the place and, duh!, you're slipping on 'em. Everyone who is with the program just puts his banana peel in the trash. But not you, Mr. Fancy Coat. Maybe if you stopped eating all those bananas in the first place, you'd be with the program by now.

Look, Harty is right, the program is big, much bigger than you. Whatever it is that you did during the spring practices to get off the program, well reverse it and get your uppity ass back with the program. Otherwise you know where your going? Downtown to get a zoning permit so you can build a doghouse in that back-up spot behind McNutt, who's not only with the program, but is of the program, by the program, and for the program. Yeah, he's programmed...and that's how it works, dammit. You need to get programmed son. Got it?

Look, let me clue you in on a little secret, the team doesn't need you to be successful. In case you haven't noticed, they're 6-0. And don't let the recent loss of Chaney, who--HELLO!--wasn't with the program last year but figured it out and got with the program this year, confuse you. You're probably thinking you just bought some time to avoid getting with the program. Well, you would be wrong there Fresh Prince. The coaches made it crystal that there are some little things you need to do to get with the program and if you don't do those little things then dammit, YOU WILL NOT be with the program!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll still get some playing time here and there; just enough to make you think you're with the program and more than enough to help us win games and stuff. But don't be fooled, you are not anywhere near with the program. Your damn "I'm with me" attitude has got to stop or else. You hear me? People around here have had it! Everyone can see the wink, wink, nod, nods when your asked by reporters about all this too. You're not even trying to get with the program.

Read my lips, you're squat without this program, and all the hyphens, and all the acronyms, and silk scarves, and fancy catches on third and forever that save the team's ass will only get you so far in this world. So I have some advice for you Johnson: Get with the God damned program!

Caring Fan

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