Scene: a practice field in the early fall afternoon. The air is turning crisp, and the sun's in more of a hurry to duck out every day. A small old man wanders amid a group of about 15 young men in football pads. He looks bewildered.
WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERCURY'S TAINTCANKERS IS THIS ABOUT
Hi, I'm star running back Evan Royster, of the Penn State Nittany Lions. When I'm not on the gridiron making plays, I
Yeah, he sort of reverted to a 14-year-old state and is now watching Twilight and wanting to be a vampire. He's in his room watching all that stuff and blogging about Robert Pattison or whatever that guy's name is.
Well, then there's Daryll Clark.
THAT IS DEFERENCE TO AUTHORITY, A RARE CHARACTERISTIC IN A PLAYER. WHY, BACK IN THE EARLY DAYS, WE HAD A SITUATION WHERE LYDELL MITCHELL WAS INVOLVED IN A NUCLEAR KARATE GANG. WE TOLD HIM TO KNOCK IT OFF, BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL CAPPALLETTI GOT A HOLD OF HIM AND SMACKED HIM AROUND THAT THE SHENANIGANS CEASED
Oh yeah. Seeing as how his quarterback shit the bed for the second straight year against Iowa, then somehow killed himself in a meteorological phenomenon that doesn't even happen this late up here at your behest, and plus Pat Devlin graduated, he's picked up a drinking habit.
Well, actually, last we saw, he was sitting in his office and dipping Oreos into his White Russians.
--- In JayPa's office ---
--- at the field ---
I WENT INTO THE PRESS CONFERENCE AND WAS TALKING AFTER THE GAME WAS OVER. ANSWERED ALL THE QUESTIONS THAT SEEMED IMPORTANT TO THE PEOPLE WHO WERE ASKING THEM. BUT THEY WEREN'T EXACTLY IMPORTANT TO ME. I'M SITTING THERE. FINALLY AT THE END I SAID, "NOW, LOOK, LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT. I THINK IF WE PLAYED TEXAS FIVE TIMES, THEY'RE GOING TO BEAT US FOUR TIMES. NOW I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND BEAT UP MY WIFE.
Huh? Oh, I thought we told you. We all saw the tape of that Iowa dude blasting Narrew McCormack and they just straight up quit.