Joe Paterno Tries To Regroup After Last Week's Defeat

Scene: a practice field in the early fall afternoon. The air is turning crisp, and the sun's in more of a hurry to duck out every day. A small old man wanders amid a group of about 15 young men in football pads. He looks bewildered.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERCURY'S TAINTCANKERS IS THIS ABOUT

PRACTICE IS AT 3:30 AND IT IS NOW A QUARTER-HOUR UNTIL FOUR

I SEE A POLACK'S DOZEN PLAYERS, HARDLY A FULL SQUADRON

SECRETARYYYYY

She's not out here, coach. She never is.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

Hi, I'm star running back Evan Royster, of the Penn State Nittany Lions. When I'm not on the gridiron making plays, I

STOP IT

WHERE IS EVERYBODY

Well, in case you hadn't noticed, we're all taking the loss pretty hard.

HOW SO

For starters, Stefan Wisniewski

AN AWFUL PERFORMANCE

Yeah, he sort of reverted to a 14-year-old state and is now watching Twilight and wanting to be a vampire. He's in his room watching all that stuff and blogging about Robert Pattison or whatever that guy's name is.

WHAT THE HELL IS BLOBBING

Oh, he wanted me to ask you: if you impregnate a girl while wearing vampire teeth, does the kid come out at least half-vampire

WHAT A STUPID QUESTION

OF COURSE THEY DO

IF YOU BIRTH A CHILD UNDER THE PRETENSE THAT YOU ARE A VAMPIRE, THAT CHILD WILL SUCK MORE THAN YOU CAN POSSIBLY IMAGINE

Hahaha, zing!

I TOLD YOU NO MORE SPEAKING IN THE CHINAMAN'S TONGUE

WHERE IS EVERYONE ELSE

Well, then there's Daryll Clark.

I TOLD HIM TO DRIVE INTO A MOVING TORNADO

Yeah, he did that.

GOOD

THAT IS DEFERENCE TO AUTHORITY, A RARE CHARACTERISTIC IN A PLAYER. WHY, BACK IN THE EARLY DAYS, WE HAD A SITUATION WHERE LYDELL MITCHELL WAS INVOLVED IN A NUCLEAR KARATE GANG. WE TOLD HIM TO KNOCK IT OFF, BUT IT WASN'T UNTIL CAPPALLETTI GOT A HOLD OF HIM AND SMACKED HIM AROUND THAT THE SHENANIGANS CEASED

Wait, what the hell is nuclear kar

SHUT UP YOU TROLLISH KRAUT SWEDE COMMIE

I DON'T EVEN SEE JUNIOR HERE

Oh yeah. Seeing as how his quarterback shit the bed for the second straight year against Iowa, then somehow killed himself in a meteorological phenomenon that doesn't even happen this late up here at your behest, and plus Pat Devlin graduated, he's picked up a drinking habit.

THAT'S MY BOY. WHAT IS HIS VICE OF CHOICE

IT HAD BETTER BE JIM BEAM AND RANCID ORANGE JUICE

I CALL THAT 'BUKOWSKI DIARRHEA'

Well, actually, last we saw, he was sitting in his office and dipping Oreos into his White Russians.

--- In JayPa's office ---

Hahahaha, wheeeeee! OM NOM NOM glug glug glug baaaaarp!

Don't you wanna slow down a bit?

NOOOOO! Youdontellmewhaddado!

(barfs a grey-brown sugarpaste)

Ewwww!

YOU SHUT UP AND CLEAN THIS, WOMAN

Boy, you are not your father.

(ponders the myriad implications of her statement)

(cries uncontrollably)

WAAAAAAAAAAAH

Oh, hell.

--- at the field ---

I'M SURE HE'S FINE

I WENT INTO THE PRESS CONFERENCE AND WAS TALKING AFTER THE GAME WAS OVER. ANSWERED ALL THE QUESTIONS THAT SEEMED IMPORTANT TO THE PEOPLE WHO WERE ASKING THEM. BUT THEY WEREN'T EXACTLY IMPORTANT TO ME. I'M SITTING THERE. FINALLY AT THE END I SAID, "NOW, LOOK, LET'S GET THIS STRAIGHT. I THINK IF WE PLAYED TEXAS FIVE TIMES, THEY'RE GOING TO BEAT US FOUR TIMES. NOW I'M GOING TO GO HOME AND BEAT UP MY WIFE.

Wife-beating? For real? Okay, wait, I'm lost

YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT YOU LOST THE GAME

WHERE DID EVERYONE ELSE GO

Huh? Oh, I thought we told you. We all saw the tape of that Iowa dude blasting Narrew McCormack and they just straight up quit.

GOD DAMN IOWA