clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Better Know a Nemesis: Michigan

That's right.  I went there.

I know what you're saying.  You think you already know all there is to know about Michigan: Shaped like a mitten, automobile manufacturing, insuffrable assholes during football season, staggering crime rate, Detroit Lions HUR HUR.  Sure, you know those things.

What you may not know is that the University of Michigan has an actual Division I men's college basketball program, with fancy jerseys and everything!  I know!  I had no idea!  Apparently, this "basketball program" had some level of success in the late 80's and early 90's, stemming from the efforts of a "Fabulous Five" which included a man with a penchant for red suits and Tyra Banks' ex-boyfriend.

Who would know more about this newfangled "basketball program," you ask?  Certainly not people from Michigan, who usually spend the month of January obsessing over the college choices of high school seniors and listening to acoustic rock.  The exception that proves the rule, however, is Wolverine Liberation Army, which is taking their commie pinko propaganda to the masses 365 days a year.   We sat down with WLA to discuss Sunday's game and the state of American capitalism.  They wanted a football revolution; they just might have one on the hardwood.

BHGP:  We can't help but notice your influence in Michigan.  WLA starts, and within a year the state's economy implodes.  Not even Trotsky was that effective.  So how does it feel to be responsible for the collapse of American manufacturing?

WLA:  At the WLA, we are strong proponents of a tractor/tank-based manufacturing industry. Stalin built a glorious tractor factory in Volgograd that house 2.3 million square feet. The recently shuttered Wixom Assembly plant is 4.7 million square feet. Imagine all the glorious tractors!

How did that end up working out for Volga, you godless cretins?

As for the basketball, UCLA?  Duke?  Illinois?  Srsly?  How the hell did that happen?

That actually happened? We thought we were in a vodka-induced fever dream. A potential outcome of Beilein's "3 pointer or bust" offensive philosophy is that, if the team gets hot, Michigan can shoot any team in the nation out of the gym. The interesting thing, is that's not how we beat Duke. Many lay the victory at the feet of Duke's poor shooting - but they shot 47.7% for the game - marginally worse than Michigan. The true difference maker was Michigan's ability to get to the line - which revolved around the effectiveness of DeShawn Sims in the middle (he scored 28), and the inability of the defense to stay in front of Kelvin Grady - the fastest human-being to play Big 10 basketball ever.



John Beilein's progression from Gene Keady-level bald to Uncle Fester-level bald seems to be increasing in both speed and scope.  The Vegas over/under on the last hair falling out of his head is February 17, 2013.  Who ya got?

We firmly believe that Beilein is actually currently using hair-in-a-can. So, under.

Beilein and Lickliter share an offensive philosophy, though Beilein has had an extra year in his current job.  Seeing as how you are the model for both sharing and philosophies, let us know how Das Shortenguyen basketball has been working for you.  Specifically, doesn't Wisconsin hold the ball over its head and laugh while you make futile attempts to grab it away?

They actually placed their hand on our foreheads to hold us back as we flailed for the ball. Rebounding is a tremendous problem for this team, as is defending the post. Sims is our tallest player at 6'6", and would be miserable at defending players his own size, much less viable post players - luckily you have none of those. Also, the number of three-point shots we take has slowly been climbing, peaking with a mind-boggling forty against Indiana (notably, many were unsuccessful). Sims is the only viable post-scorer, and our most consistent scorer overall (yes, that includes Manny). Beilein needs to get Sims more involved.

A prediction for...when is this game again?  Sunday?  A prediction for Sunday.

Only a bourgeouis toad would schedule a college sporting event at a time as unfriendly to the Proletariat as 11:30 AM (10:30 for those of us in the Central time zone!).  Fortunately, going to church is not an obstacle as we have razed all houses of worship within Washtenaw County.  Or at leasst looked at them very menacingly.

Our prediction: our subversion of the Michigan automobile industry will proceed to destroy the Iowan economy, as a lack of American car sales destroys the viability of your corn/ethanol subsidies. We will export the Revolution!

Ronald Reagan: Great American or Greatest American?

Ronald Reagan portrayed one of the most hallowed figures in Notre Dame sports history. That should encapsulate our opinion.

Thanks, WLA!  You're commie assholes, but you're our favorite commie assholes.  For the rest of the interview done with our very own Oops Pow Surprise, click here.