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Bad News For The Iowa Basketball Team, America

Following his breakout 19-point, 8-rebound performance for the Hawkeyes in their loss at Purdue, David "El Presidente" Palmer was assassinated by a sniper. The bullet traveled through the forward/center's neck and he died instantly. Palmer will be given a state funeral and is expected to miss the rest of the season.

El Presidente, days before tragedy.

Authorities believe the sniper was working under direction from militant fundamentalist Todd Lickliter, who is a known enemy of Palmer. Police have named Conrad Haas and John Lickliter as persons of interest but have declined further comment.