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TOO HOT FOR FANHOUSE: Smelley Cocks, The Director's Cut

New FanHouse post up here, and we're pretty proud of it, for obvious reasons (namely, being 12 years old on the inside). But it actually ran late last night... for about five minutes. It was quickly yanked (heee!) and subjected to stern, very stern, this is serious business mister! review.

But we're givers, and we're here to give you romance... and balls a BHGP Exclusive: The Unrated, Uncut, UNSANE version of Smelley Cocks. Enjoy.

Smelley, Cocks Looking For Pay Dirt

Good news for South Carolina: your Cocks are getting Smelley:

After an outstanding performance in relief last week, [Chris] Smelley will get the start Thursday night in the No. 24 Gamecocks' SEC opener at Vanderbilt, which defeated Smelley and South Carolina last year.

[Steve] Spurrier decided to go with Smelley for the SEC opener after [Tommy] Beecher couldn't practice Monday because he couldn't lift his non-throwing shoulder.

As the Good Doctor pointed out, Smelley's resume is as skid-marked, if not moreso, than Tommy Beecher's; Smelley took liberties with the proverbial pooch in the aforementioned Vandy loss last year, which blocked the Cocks' conference title aspirations.

But to be fair, this is a new year, and in this new year the Gamecock offense grundled to a halt for three quarters before Smelley roasted the place like a Dutch Oven. Directing three consecutive touchdown drives, Smelley turned a 13-0 stinker into a 34-0 steamer. Steve Spurrier definitely knew the writing was smeared on the wall. Remember, is the The Old Ball Coach, which means if there's one thing this coach knows, it's balls.

Old Balls.

Those Old Balls have been flung around all over the place during Spurrier's reign as head coach, and his offensive explosions have long been the stuff of legend. Smelley will take those 11-inch balls--that's the regulation size in the NCAA--and send them deep, to the left or right, or even right at his favorite tight end, squeezed into seemingly impossibly tight spaces.

It's what the Old Balls Coach does better than anybody.

And that's why Chris Smelley is your top Cock.



There's no need in divulging the email discussion that ensued, but suffice it to say that any time you get a bigshot to use the phrase "Ascii art of genitalia" in stylistic discussions, you win.