clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Charlie Weis Gets a New Leg

Doctoricon_medium   Well well well, let's see what we have here.  [Opens medical chart]
Weisicon_medium   It's pretty obvious, dipshit.  I got hit on the sideline...
Doctoricon_medium   ...Mmm-hmm...
Weisicon_medium   ...and tore my ACL.  I need this fixed, and I need to rehab as fast as possible.  I can't miss a week of running a once-great football program into the ground while simultaneously acting like a pompous asshole.
Doctoricon_medium   I see.  Well, Mr. Weis, for patients in your circumstance, we usually recommend arthroscopic surgery coupled with intense physical therapy.  Such physical therapy usually requires temporary use of a motor scooter...
Weisicon_medium of those Rascal things?
Doctoricon_medium   Exactly.
Weisicon_medium   Great, get me one of those bastards.  I'll use it to run over Clausen when he throws an incompletion.  Dipshit keeps throwing incompletions despite his clear schematic advantage.
Doctoricon_medium   There's just one problem, Mr. Weis.
Weisicon_medium   Don't tell me I can't run over a player on a Rascal, dumbass.  I once drove over Brady Quinn with a G.I. Joe Big Wheel for throwing an interception against Navy.
Doctoricon_medium   No, it's not that, Mr. Weis.  Rascals have a 375-pound weight limit.  You are clearly too obese to use it safely.  And, given your legal history, I'm not willing to take the risk.
Doctoricon_medium   We could get you a gas-powered Rascal, but they're made in Grand Rapids, and...
Weisicon_medium   TO HELL WITH MICHIGAN!
Doctoricon_medium   ...right.
Weisicon_medium   So how are we going to fix this knee, fuckhead?
Doctoricon_medium   Well, there is one possible treatment.  It's very experimental, and you'll have to go to Dallas to have the procedure, but there's no rehab at all...


[Five days later, Charlie Weis is back on the sidelines as Notre Dame plays Michigan State]

Weisicon_medium   Clausen, you dipshit!  Get over here!
Clausenicon_medium    Yeah... [looks down at Weis' left leg] ...uh, Coach?
Weisicon_medium   Alright, fuckstick!  We're gonna run an Ace Z-out X-tango...
Clausenicon_medium   Um, Coach?
Weisicon_medium   What is it, shitfuck?
Clausenicon_medium   What is that on your leg?
Weisicon_medium   What is that on my leg?  WHAT IS THAT ON MY LEG?  Hey Tenuta, dumbass is asking what is on my leg.  Can you believe this?
Tenutaicon_medium   TAH-NOO-TAH BLITZ!
Weisicon_medium   You want to know what's on my leg, asswipe?  Fine.  It's TV's Patrick Duffy.
Clausenicon_medium   It's WHAT?
Weisicon_medium   Patrick Duffy.  You might remember him from his role as Frank Lambert on the long-running ABC series Step By Step, part of the "TGIF" lineup.  Dickwad.
Patrickduffyicon_medium   Hey Jimmy!
Clausenicon_medium   AAAAARRRRGGH!!!  [Puts on helmet, runs away from creepy Patrick Duffy Leg]

[Later, Notre Dame is down 31-27 late in the fourth quarter.  Michigan State has the ball and can run out the clock if it converts a 3rd-and-6]

Weisicon_medium   TENUTA!  What defense are you calling?
Tenutaicon_medium   TAH-NOO-TAH BLITZ!
Weisicon_medium   Excellent!  Run the bl...
Patrickduffyicon_medium   Don't do that, Charlie.
Weisicon_medium   Patrick Duffy Leg, you dipshit, are you questioning my defensive coordinator?
Patrickduffyicon_medium   I have to do it, Charlie.  You and I are one now, and I have no choice but to impart my knowledge to you.  In Season 1, Episode 10 of Step By Step, my daughter Karen forgot to get me a phone message.  I walked into a building that was being demolished and was nearly killed...that darned Karen will never learn!
Weisicon_medium   What in the fuckhills does this have to do with this game?
Patrickduffyicon_medium   You've blitzed on every play...

Tenutaicon_medium   TAH-NOO-TAH BLITZ!
Patrickduffyicon_mediumDon't give Michigan State the message and make them walk into the condemned building.  Run the Cover 3.  Hoyer will throw it right to the safety.
Weisicon_medium   Hmm, you might be onto something there, Patrick Duffy Leg.  TENUTA, run the Cover 3!
Tenutaicon_medium   TAH-NOO-TAH BLITZ!
Weisicon_medium   I SAID DO IT!

[Tom Hammond is calling the game.  Of course.]

Hammondicon_medium   Michigan State lines up with three wide on third and six from the Notre Dame 18...Hoyer takes the snap...drops back...throws down the middle...AND IT'S INTERCEPTED!  IT'S INTERCEPTED BY BRUTON!  HE'S BROKEN FREE DOWN THE SIDELINE!  HE'S GOT A BLOCKER!



[After the game, in Weis' office]

Weisicon_medium   TENUTA!  Get in here!
Tenutaicon_medium   TAH-NOO-TAH HAPPY WIN!
Weisicon_medium   Yeah, about that...Patrick Duffy Leg made the call on that Cover 3.  You wanted to blitz...
Tenutaicon_medium   TAH-NOO-TAH BLITZ!
Weisicon_medium   Well, fuckstick, if we followed your advice, we would have lost.
Tenutaicon_medium   TAH-NOO-TAH COVER THREE?!?
Weisicon_medium   No, it wasn't Tenuta Cover 3.  It was Patrick Duffy Leg Cover 3.  I've made up my mind, Tenuta.  You're out.  Patrick Duffy Leg is in.  Hit the bricks, dipshit.
Patrickduffyicon_medium   I'll take it from here, Tenuta.  I beat JR Ewing.  I can beat anyone.
Tenutaicon_medium   TAH-NOO-TAH SAD

[Under the direction of the Patrick Duffy Leg, Notre Dame's defense morphs into the best defense in the nation.  It's almost enough to make up for Charlie's offense.  Notre Dame enters its final game against USC at 6-5, one win away from a BCS berth.  Late in the fourth quarter, Notre Dame leads USC 6-0, but USC has driven to the Notre Dame 35.]

Weisicon_medium   What are we doing here, Patrick Duffy Leg?
Patrickduffyicon_medium   In Season 4, Episode 4 of my hit ABC sitcom Step By Step, I lost out on a sports announcer position at the local radio station to my wi...
Tenutaicon_medium   TAH-NOO-TAH BLITZ!
Patrickduffyicon_medium   AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Weisicon_medium   NOOOOO!!!!  NOT THE PATRICK DUFFY LEG!!!!


Hammondicon_medium   Second and seven USC at the Notre Dame 35...and Sanchez hits his receiver for a touchdown...and it's a grumble grumble grumble no BCS game grumble.
Weisicon_medium   I am going to sue that dipshit doctor.



(TFJs in order for Harris, who came up with the Scuzzlebutt thing on the EDSBS Live board, Orson Swindle for giving voice to Tenuta, and Trey Parker & Matt Stone for not suing us for blatantly stealing from them on a regular basis.)