Hello, this is Oops Pow Surprise of BHGP. There's been quite the discussion over who is best qualified, poised, and ready to lead Iowa football for the next few years at the super-important position of tailback.
As you know, things have gone quite sour in our state's Old Capital City, and there's plenty of people who think change is the only answer. Here to debate their positions and stake their claims for Iowa Tailback 08 are: Guillory Clinton, Paki O'Bama, Shonn McCain, Rudy Jeweliani, Adam Robinson, and Reverend Jeffamiah Brinson!
Guillory: (clap clap, point point)
Paki: Yes I can!
Shonn: My friends.
Jewel: You can just call me America's Tailback.
Adam: (quiet, lively acoustic guitar intro)
Jeffemiah: GOD DAMN AMERICA
Okay, first things first. Why should you carry the football for Iowa in 2008?
Guillory: I know that I'm not like any other candidate, past or present, for Starter. I'm quite different from everybody else physically. But I don't believe in discrimination of any kind, and if you give me the chance, I'll break America's 5'4" glass ceiling.
Paki: But we're all taller than that. That doesn't make any sense.
Guillory: HEIGHTIST! HEIGHTIST!
Shonn: My friends, I don't believe that starting is a right, nor do I believe that it should be given to anybody without earning it, my friends. Also, Paki is exactly like Britney Spears.
Paki: Hey! Look, I'm living the American dream. I didn't get the chance to go to your fancy schools and I wasn't born into anything. I had to work for this. Only in America can someone like me succeed. I'm of mixed ethnic heritage, I have a funny name--
Shonn: Yeah, Paki HUSSEIN SECRET MUSLIM O'Bama.
Paki: Oh come on, that's not even true. I'm not Muslim. I am an American.
Paki: My mother even gave me an American middle name if I felt ashamed of "Paki," and thank God I'm not.
What's your middle name?
Paki: If you must know, it's "Stanley."
Shonn: My friends, this Hawkeye Nation is under attack from a secret terrorist whose love of Muslim extremism goes so far, his name is "Paki Stan."
Paki: OH GOD DAMN IT
Jeff: GOD DAMN IOWA
Jeweliani: I don't like this pastor. And I should know. I was there on 9/11.
Adam: Deet. Deedee deedeet deetdeet. Deetdeet dee dee dee.
Guillory: You know, there's a Tailback-In-Chief Threshold that most running backs need to pass. I have a record of over 2600 yards and 28 touchdowns in my JC career. Shonn McCain has rushed for over 100 yards as a Big Ten running back. And Paki O'Bama gave a speech to his coach and got a starting spot.
So you're saying Paki's not experienced enough to start?
Guillory: That's up for the American people to decide.
You mean Coach Ferentz?
Ferentz: I am America and so can you.
Paki: Look. My... my opponents are going to try to use these scare tactics on you. That's all they know how to do. They'll say, look out for this guy, he doesn't have the experience, he's never been on scholarship. And I say to them, you're darn right I'm not some Washington insider! I'm an agent of change! I
Shonn: Wait a minute, my friends. "Not some Washington insider"?! Where did you come from before you came here, Bapaki?
Paki: The hotel?
Shonn: No, Ayatollah, is there a place where you spent four years you'd like to tell us about?
Jeweliani: "Ayatollah!" Yeah! Turn up the heat on this towelhead!
Paki: I came from Cedar Rapids! I'm from the Heartland! I
Shonn: What high school in Cedar Rapids?
Paki: Sigh... Cedar Rapids... Washington.
Guillory: ELITIST! HEIGHTIST! ISLAMIST!
Shonn: How sure can we really be about Paki O'Bama?
Adam: Doot. Doo, doodoot doot dootdoo, doot doo.
(gives up, leaves, vows to start smoking again)
Jeweliani: Anyone got some Advil? It's like there are jetliners crashing into my skull.
Shonn: Can we really trust him to lead Iowa?
Paki: This is just a baseless smear campaign. I bring change to the running game!
Guillory: I've been running as a change of pace for 35 games!
Adam: Deet deh deedee deet, deedeet, dee dee, deet deet dee dee dee
Jeffemiah: GOD DAMN STUTTERING CARLOS MENCIA
Paki: Look, for the last four years, Iowa's been barely above .500. That's not the Iowa I know, and that's not as good as Iowa can be. And rather than engage the people
Ferentz: aka me
Paki: in platitudes about how great Iowa already is, it's time to issue challenges to the Iowa people to raise us up into a new era of greatness, of new dominance, and of new
Shonn: You don't look like a running back.
Paki: oh here we go.
Shonn: Americans want someone they can trust, someone who reminds them of the guys on their trading cards, who looks like a running back.
Paki: That is some straight racist bullshit.
Shonn: Whoa, WHOA, WHOA, careful, racebaiter! I didn't say anything about the color of your skin! I was at Hanoi Community College for 5 1/2 years!
Paki: One year.
Shonn: He interrupted me! Reverse double secret racism! I call foul, my friends.
Shonn: This is typical of secret Muslims by the way.
Guillory: Can we talk about me some more?!
Ferentz: No. Go away.
Guillory: (starts to cry a little bit)
Guillory: (keeps faking)
Jeffemiah: NAW NAW, NAW NAW, GOD DAMN ALLIGATOR TEARS
Ferentz: Whoa, hey, hey, hey, it's okay, we weren't trying to be mean or anything, we just... stick around some more, okay?
Guillory: sniff... really?
Ferentz: Fuck no you're not starting.
Guillory: Fine! I'm leaving right now!
Paki: What a monster.
Adam: And here's to me, Adam Robinson, Ferentz loves me more than you can know, whoa-oh-oh.
Jeweliani: This is like eardrum terrorism!
Adam: God bless me please, Adam Robinson, Ferentz holds a place for those who play. Hey hey hey. Hey hey hey.
Ferentz: (happily tapping feet)
Shonn: Oh COME ON. This isn't even a debate! He's not saying anything! He's not even a weird mutated player-politician thing! Art Garfunkel wasn't at the fucking Presidential debates!
Adam: Laugh about it, shout about it, when you've got to choose...
Paki: This only debases our dialogue. Which reminds me, I fucking hate Simon and Garfunkel.
Jeffemiah: GOD DAMN FOLK MUSIC
Adam: ...any way you look at it we lose.
Adam: Where you gone, Mr. Sedrick Shaw, our Hawkeyes turn our lonely eyes to you, woo woo woo.
Adam: What's that you say, Adam Robinson, Albert Young has left and gone away, hey hey hey.
Shonn: Are you done? I didn't spend 15 years getting beaten by Communist Asians for this crap.
Jeweliani: Makes me wanna 9/11 'em all!
Paki: That's so inaccurate I don't know where to begin.
Shonn: HOW DARE YOU IMPUGN MY INTEGRITY, I WAS A COA, CASUALTY OF ACADEMICS
Adam: Hey hey hey.
Paki: You can't keep playing that card. You're worse than Rudy...
Paki: ...Rudiger. That Rudy. The asshole at Notre Dame.
Shonn: I hate those Catholics.
Jeffemiah: GOD DAMN GOD
Ferentz: I've made my decision.
Bout damn time.
Shonn: (has a weird necktumor thing)
Jeweliani: NINE ELEVEN
Jeffemiah: GOD DAMN TENSION
Ferentz: First of all, it's not Jeffemiah Brinson, Adam Robinson, Rudy Jeweliani, or the no-longer-with-us Guillory Clinton. You're all 100% insane and I don't want you near me ever.
Jeweliani: You really 9/11ed me with that one, Coach! POW! POW!
Ferentz: As for the other two guys, I don't have to pick until November, right?
Shonn: My friends, what?!
Paki: No. that's--that's actual politics. This is football. We need a running back right now.
Guillory: I was ready on Day 1!
Ferentz: You definitely weren't, and I thought you were gone.
Guillory: No way, no how, no Shonn.
Ferentz: He's at Georgia. Anyway, I think I'm leaning Paki O'Bama.
Shonn: You can't do this to a Casualty of Academics! For one year I didn't even have a house!
There you have it, folks, the official annou
Paki: Hooray! I think I'll start with a speech to a sold-out Kinnick Stadium while TV pundits discuss the historical impact of a white running back winning the starting position. Then I'll
Ferentz: Actually, that sounds incredibly dull. Shonn, you're all set.
Shonn: WHOOO YEAH
Shonn: Y'all better line up, because the Straight Cock Express is about to run right through all your asses!
Adam: Mr. McCain, are you trying to seduce me?