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Jake Christensen Fights a Bear

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[Jake Christensen finds himself in a forest with Ken O'Keefe]

Jcicon_medium   Uh, Coach?  What are we doing in this forest?
Iconokeefe_medium   The season starts this week, Jake.
Jcicon_medium   I know, coach.  I've been preparing all month.
Iconokeefe_medium   Your competitors are nipping at your heels, Jake.
Jcicon_medium   Don't you think I'd have a better chance of beating them if I was, you know, on the practice field?  Why are we in a forest?
Iconokeefe_medium   Jake, playing quarterback is not about throwing accurately and avoiding the pass rush.
Jcicon_medium   I don't do either of those things.
Iconokeefe_medium  THOSE THINGS DO NOT MATTER.  What matters, Jake, is that you look into your soul, identify your darkest fears, and confront them with courage and honesty.
Jcicon_medium   Shouldn't I be focusing more on reading coverages than confronting my irrational fears of evergreen trees and khaki pants?
Iconokeefe_medium   If I wanted a quarterback who could read defenses and throw accurately, I'd start Ricky Stanzi.  I want a warrior, Jake.  I want a gladiator.
Jcicon_medium   OK, well, there aren't any evergreens in this forest, and you're wearing jorts...
Iconokeefe_medium   Did you see the tag?  They're Tommy Hilfigers!
Jcicon_medium   ...So how am I to confront my fears?
Iconokeefe_medium   Check your leg pads, Jake.
Jcicon_medium   Did you say check my leg pads?  They're...they...they feel sort of slimy.  Wait a second...
Iconokeefe_medium   Yes...
Jcicon_medium   Why did you replace my pads with bacon?
Iconokeefe_medium   Because you must learn to become a warrior, Jake.  Look behind you.
Jcicon_medium   [turns around]
Bearicon_medium    ROAR
Jcicon_medium   AAAAAGH!
Iconokeefe_medium   FIGHT THE FEAR, JAKE!  FIGHT THE BEAR!

Jcicon_medium   [starts running]
Iconokeefe_medium   DON'T RUN FROM THE FEAR!  FIGHT THE BEAR!

Thechase_medium

Iconokeefe_medium  TURN AND FIGHT, JAKE!  TURN AND FIGHT!
Jcicon_medium   NO!  I CAN'T DO IT!  [keeps running from bear]
Bearicon_medium   ROAR

Biteme_medium

Jcicon_medium   AAAARGH!
Jcicon_medium   AAAARGH!  MY ARM!  [sits up in bed, drenched in cold sweat]
Jcicon_medium   [Takes two deep breaths]  It was only a dream...it was only a dream...it was only a dream...
Blackicon_medium   Jake, are you alright?
Jcicon_medium   Yeah, I'm fine.  Just a nightmare.  Go back to sleep.
Blackicon_medium   Don't be foolish.  I'm already awake.  Let me make you something to eat.
Jcicon_medium   No, really, go back to...wait, who is this?  [flips lightswitch]
Jcicon_medium   AAAAAAHHH!
Iconokeefe_medium   Maybe you would like some bacon?
Jcicon_medium   AAAAAAHHH!