clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Scene: On the outskirts of the forested Chinese wilderness. Beijing's lights burn brightly miles away. One tall Chinaman leads a dozen Americans up toward a wooded area.

Iconyao_medium Right over here, gentremen! Ouw finest weweworf ninjas!

Iconrebron_medium NO. WAY. No way! That's just a patch of sticks and leaves. There's definitely a hole under that. Guys, we should leave. I think we might be missing curfew.

Iconyao_medium No, no, no! Don't reave, I beg of you! Rook, I'rr wark across the sticks and reaves myserf right now! It's pewfectry safe!

Yao, in his spindly 7'6" majesty, walks across the patch with ease.

Iconyao_medium You sirry Amewicans! The weweworf ninjas rive in the countwyside! This is just the fastest path to get thewe!

Iconkidd_medium I say we go for it! I've never even seen a regular ninja!

Iconrebron_medium Okay, but only for a second, and then we have to get back. It's late!

The players walk with trepidation across the leaves while Yao waits at the other end. Suddenly, as they near the middle of the patch...

Iconyao_medium NOW! SPWING THE TWAP NOW!

The ground swings wide open, and all the athletes tumble into the pit below. Several Chinese patrolmen spring up from their grassy hiding spots.

Iconrebron_medium Aiiieeeeee!!!!!

Iconyao_medium We awe victowious!!

Iconsoldier_medium ROR

Iconyao_medium WOFR

Iconsoldier_medium RMAO

Iconyao_medium ROROROROR

Meanwhile, at Camp America in Beijing...

Iconcoachk_medium I don't get it! Everyone's all late and stuff! Nobody's even answering their cell phones.

Iconbattier_medium Are we on AT&T?

Iconcoachk_medium No.... aw shit, no bars in China.

Iconbattier_medium Shoulda switched to AT&T!

Iconcoachk_medium Well what can we do? We're not sending out an APB for the players; that'll be a media firestorm!

Iconbattier_medium Coach K! The vidphone! We have an incoming vidgram!

Iconcoachk_medium Who could it be??


Iconcoachk_medium Chairman Mao!

Iconmao_medium How are you gentremen!!

Iconmao_medium Arr youw basketbarr awe berong to us.

Iconcoachk_medium Name your terms! We must have them back and unharmed at once!

Iconmao_medium We demand... fouw hundwed mirrion dorraws!

Iconcoachk_medium But why? These are the Olympics! The spirit of competition! You are ruining the innocence in the name of gross profit and danger to us all! I should have you imprisoned!

Two guns click next to the Americans' temples, as uniformed guards step forward from behind the men.

Iconsoldier_medium Watch youw mouth. We'we the porice, and we decide who goes to pwison.

Iconbattier_medium You son of a bitch, Mao!

Iconcoachk_medium Easy, Shane.

Iconmao_medium Youw options awe creawry rimited, Coach Kzwzjhzgzerzmrski. Bwing us the money ow suffew.

Iconcoachk_medium Why, Chairman Mao, why?!

Iconmao_medium Ouw pwoud countwy has suffewed fow too rong in the depawtment of sugawy, tasty bevewages. You hubwistic Amewicans sit at home in youw Ray-Z-Boys and drink youw Coca-Cora and youw Pepsi! Not anymowe! With this money, I pran to buy the entiwe worrd suppry of Merro Yerro and give it to the gweat and grorious nation of China!

Iconbattier_medium You fool! Mello Yello is terrible!

Iconmao_medium So is watching youw prayews die! The money by sundown, Kzywkejhwrefhbhrkski!

Iconcoachk_medium We'll do as you say, just don't you goddamn dare hurt my boys! I come from Duke and we all know very important lawyers and congresspeople, and if you put one hair out of place on even Tayshaun Prince's head, you can kiss your protected trade status goodbye!

Iconbattier_medium And we don't even want Tayshaun!

Iconmao_medium Youw prayews are unhawmed, Kzwegrzudkzrpzwzrwkjnski. Just bwing the money.

Iconcoachk_medium Fine!

Iconmao_medium And wemembew: NO FUNNY BUSINESS. We'we the ones waising wed frags now.

Icontv_medium BEEEOOOOOOP

Iconcoachk_medium Dang it! We are effed! What can we do?

Iconsoldier_medium The Chaiwman didn't say you courd hatch any prans, Coach. As rong as we're got the guns, you wirr do as Mao terrs you to--

Two reports of a silenced gun ring out, and the armed guards slump to the ground.

Iconcoachk_medium They're dead! But... but...


Iconreman_medium You heard him say something about red flags. That wasn't just a warning; that was a clue. Where are the most red flags in the world?

Iconcoachk_medium OJ Mayo's scouting report?

Iconreman_medium Past that.

Iconbattier_medium Gasp!

Iconreman_medium That's right... we're going to Tiennamen Square right now.

Iconcoachk_medium But the money...!

Iconreman_medium No. Listen closely. He can't get that money or that soda.

Iconcoachk_medium I don't know, Mello Yello is pretty awful. What's the worst that could happen?

Iconreman_medium For one, I won't pretend like I like Mello Yello or drink it on a regular basis; I don't. it's a bunch of sugar. But it's also highly radioactive and easily refined into weapons-grade plutonium. If he gets his tiny Chinese hands

Iconbattier_medium Yeah, what's up with Chinese peoples' hands?

Iconreman_medium No idea, they're like baby hands. If he gets those baby hands on enough Mello Yello, though, we're all doomed. He could wipe out the western hemisphere--and anything that touches it.

Iconcoachk_medium So we have to...

Iconreman_medium Yes.

Iconreman_medium We have to save the motherfucking world.