Dude. C'mere. Check this out. Serious, c'mere right now. It's over by the 10 yard line. You're gonna freak out.
AWWWW GROSSSSSS!!! Hahahahahahahaha! Where'd you find that??! It was literally just sitting right here.
Hey guys, what's going on? Godfrey found a severed head! What? No way! I know! It's not even that old! Well should we call the cops or something? Hell no. Yeah, they'll probably think one of us did it.
Hey guys, let's break this u--WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA Shhh!! Is that a... is that real? Yeah, it smells awful. I'm pretty sure this is a penalty or something. Fuck you, what you gonna call us for, holding? "Egregiously unsportsmanlike conduct, 15 to life, first down." Hahahahaha!
OH SHIT A SEVERED HEAD Tony, go get a stick. We're gonna poke it. Okay.
NO. FUCKING. WAY. I'm telling Coach. No don't! He's gonna kill us! Then I'm at least telling the rest of the line about it. In addition to being strong and talented at football, we're the smartest players on the team, and we make the best decisions. We are definitely the best part of this team, all because of our intelligence. Sure hope nothing ever happens to that. Wait Godfrey... is that... is that who I think it is? Oh shit.
They said it was brain cancer!
I know! So gross. Tony, poke it.
Okay.
(Terry Hoeppner's head begins to stir, freaking everyone out because, y'know, it's a severed head)
RARRRAARRRRRGH WHO GOES THERE
HOLY FUCK OH SHIT FUCK JESUS WHAT DID I DO FUCK FUCK FUCK I have to throw a flag for something, I'm flipping out HEPSHEPSUT RULES ALL WHO INCUR HIS WRATH Wait, "Hepshepsut?" What happened to Terry Hoeppner? THAT IS MY EARTH NAME. I AM HEPSHEPSUT, ONETIME RULER OF THE MYSTICAL EGYPTIAN SPACE PEOPLE WHO RULED THIS EARTH MANY MILLENIA AGO BEFORE RETURNING TO OSIRIS'S SPACE LAIR That's awesome! I KNOW KNEEL BEFORE HEPSHEPSUT Wait, guys, wait. I took Egyptian Studies last semester. YOU SHALL RULE WITH HEPSHEPSUT But "-shepsut" means "noble woman." And Hatshepsut was the first lady pharaoh. Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! ARRRAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH HEP FURIOUS Hahahahaha, this is so much better than football.
HEP CURRRRSSSE Oh great, thanks "Charles," it's gonna curse us. C'mon, what's the worst a severed head can HEP CURSE... MOEAKI! Whoa, big bad tough guy without any legs or OH JESUS SHIT AAAAAAAH MY ARM AAAAAAAAAAHHHH IT EXPLODED Turn him back! Damn it! HEP CURSE... KLINKENBORG! Oh please, you can't AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIGGGGHH MY HAND JUST EVAPORATED, I AM BLEEDING EVERYWHERE That's an ejection! HEP CURSE REF!
HELP HELP SOMEBODY FUCKING HELP US
(to the rest of the offensive line) How can you just dismiss it as "pointless complexity"? Even if you're not just being intellectually dishonest for the point of discussion, if that's what Rachmaninov was capable of, and clearly he HEP CURSE... OFFENSIVE LINE! DERRR HAARRRRR HAMBURGER
Look, if you don't know why Iowa sucked last year, just say so.
I'm not done with my story! I have to go back to work. HEP CURSE err HEP CURSE MEANIE HAWKEYE STATE I'm blocking you. OOPS POW SAD
OLD TESTAMENT HEP RIDES AGAIN