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The JoePa Chronicles: Gary Barta Finds Out About The Director's Cup

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RING
RING
AHEM
RING
This is Gary.
Hey, it's me.
Oh, shit.
Gary.
(falsetto) Gary's not here right now, he's in a meeting with a bunch of very important people like George Bush and Oprah
Stop it. We need to talk.
(falsetto) No habla the English?
STOP.
Fuck.
Look, I thought we knew that there wasn't going to be anything long-term between us. We just had a magical moment or two
just one
and that was going to be that. If my wife finds out abou
GARY
What?
I'm not going to tell your wife about anything. You think you're the only AD I've ever had awkward office sex with?
Should I come back later or something?
Tim?! Goddammit, why didn't you tell me we were on a conference call?
WHO IS THIS YAMMERING BUTTHOLE
How many people did you tell about us?!
Well, nobody, but you're doing an awfully good job of that yourself.
GARY, THIS IS MR. PATERNO, THANK YOU. PLEASE TELL ME SECRETARY WAS NOT AS UNTAMED IN THE TROUSERS AS CURLEY'S WIFE
This is neither the time nor the place for this


 Can we get back to the topic at hand? The Director's Cup?
 The what now?
 It's a list of the best athletic departments in the NCAA by how they finished in every sport.
 I see.
 Penn State was #4!
 Okay, big deal? Why should I care?
 Oh, maybe because Iowa was dead last in the Big Ten.
 Boom, bitch!
 What?!
 And it wasn't even close.
 I'VE BEEN TOLD THAT THE LIST DOESN'T EVEN TAKE CRIMINAL BEHAVIOR INTO CONSIDERATION, WHICH I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY DISAPPROVE OF
 ALL THEY NEED TO DO IS INCLUDE THAT AND WE WOULD BE 1-2 EVERY YEAR
 THAT REMINDS ME, I NEED TO REMIND EVAN ROYSTER TO SEXUALLY ASSAULT A STOLEN HONDA ACCORD
 So let me get this straight, Iowa is the worst at sports in the entire conference?
 Don't worry, you still beat Iowa State.
 Great, so we're not in the NCAA Special Olympics.
 I struggle to think of a Special Olympics so sad that Iowa State would win anything in it.
 So you guys really just called to brag because Iowa was punished for not fielding a women's lacrosse team or some shit?
 Well, that and so you could tell Tim that we screwed in the copy room for 47 seconds.
 My job is very stressful. It's been a while.
 I bet.
 THE DAY I IMAGINE SECRETARY HAVING SEX IS THE DAY THE LAST SHRED OF MY INNOCENCE DIES