Over at Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician (easily one of the 17 best Syracuse-themed blogs with at least five words in their titles) a few days ago, they found a simply evil site called FaceStat. There, you can upload pictures of faces (ostensibly yours) and have them judged.
The best feature of the site, clearly, is the opportunity for your judges to assign one word to describe the face in question. Here's what unfolded for TNIAAM:
"Awkward." Donte, is that you?
"Pedophile." Wait what???
"Pedophile." Hold on here...
"Pedefile" Is that the same thing? Or some kind of manicurist?
"OnSexOffenderRegistry" Is this a UConn site or something?
Of course, when we saw the story, we realized that there was one man that we had to put forth. Then we realized there were two.
You can click on the links to go right to their pages (you'll notice the name on Harty's page is "OPS." Draw no conclusions), but what the hell, let's go through it right now.
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian. Correct!
Gender: 100% Male. Also true!
Age: 37. Probably close!
Attractiveness: repulsive. Demeaning!
Intelligence: Doofus. Debatable!
Guess name: Frank, Blurry, Greg, Joe, Susan, Danny, Dale. We prefer Dale!
And the money shot, one word to describe the face:
"happy." Did another Hawkeye get arrested?
"funny." Oh bullshit.
"creepy," "ewwwww," "desprate" [sic], "EW," "creepy," "old," "AlGore." There we go.
Ethnicity: White/Caucasian. That's correct!
Gender: 100% Male. And 100% American!
Age: 33. Patriotism has no age!
Attractiveness: not bad. We try not to think about this!
Political Affiliation: Very conservative. USA! USA! USA!
Trustworthiness: Maybe untrustworthy. Lies!
Again, the one-word money shot:
"Bull-necked." We'll take it!
"boring." Watch it, pal. Just fucking watch it.
"weird." One man's weird is another's "brilliant."
"dumb." What the hell is wrong with you people?! This is a goddamn American hero in front of you!
"mullet," "mullet," "Mulletudinal." Bravo, my children. You have not failed me completely.
Naturally, this begs for more faces. Sign up at facestat.com (it's free), pick someone other than yourself (because I promise you nobody cares about you; pick a Hawkeye or Gene Chizik or some shit), and let us know the results. It is by no means a quick process--think days--but the payoff is so goddamn worth it.