[Minnesota coach Tim Brewster is walking down the hall of a Wisconsin high school, talking with the high school's head coach]
...He runs a 4.6 40, he's a hurdler and a high jumper on the track team, hands soft as a hooker's ass. He'd be a perfect fit for Minnesota.
Heh heh heh, you got it, coach!
Gopher Nation demands a quarterback!
Quarterback? Coach, don't you have about 17 quarterbacks? Your returning starter is only a sophomore, and your son is a freshman, right?
Don't pretend you're attuned to the shifting winds inside Gopher Nation, paean! The Gopher House of Representatives demands another signal caller! Specifically, I'm looking for Vince Young
Well coach, I can tell you my quarterback ain't the next Vince Yo
SUCCESS WIN TRY FIGHT EXCELSIOR
Heh heh, absolutely coach! Well, my quarterback is a junior, he's 6'4", 220, arm like a Howitzer, runs like a meth addict being chased by
BEST WIN SUPER SERENDIPITY WIN WIN BEST is this quarterback you speak of familiar with the road to Pasadena?
Um, I don't know if he knows it off the top of his head, but I'm sure he can read a road atlas
Excellent. Bring WIN BIG TEN CHAMPIONS SUPER TERRIFIC ROSE BOWL TRY FIGHT WIN WIN WIN him to me.
Well, I can't get you the quarterback, but I'll bring you that safety. Sit tight.
I will stand at attention in this spot until you TRY FIGHT HARD TEST return.
[Walking down hall, texting, drinking Red Bull; stumbles into Brewster]
What are you doing in the hallowed GOPHER NATION WIN PASADENA halls of this fine institution of FIGHT TRY WIN FIGHT learning?
[Hides cellphone behind his back, continues no-look texting] Aw shit, y'all know how the game rolls. Bitches in the front, bitches in the back! Da Zooker's gotta keep rollin'!
[Pleasantries continue; meanwhile, in a dorm room at the University of Minnesota]
Man, I CANNOT WAIT for the new Incubus album! It's gonna be off the hook for sure!
Who would be text messaging me in the middle of the day?
I'm not supposed to receive text messages from unlisted numbers. I can't imagine who hacked my cell
Seriously, I don't know what the hell this
But what about my dad? I can't transfer. It'll break his
Let me ask you one question: Do you have motivational Tourette's?
Sold! Woo! EYE ELL ELL! EYE EN EYE!
[Meanwhile, back at the high school]
So then I told Vince's mom that I was Supreme Allied Commander of the North Altantic Treaty FIGHT TRY WIN WIN FIGHT
Why, hello son! What's that? But, why would you... I don't understand... This makes WIN FIGHT HARD TRY no sense... Well [sniffle] if that's your choice [hangs up phone]
[Puts phone away, slowly smiles, tents fingers]
That was my son Clint. He's decided to transfer away from Minn
I KNOW! HE'S PLAYING FOR THE ZOOKER! BOOM, MOTHERFUCKER! BOOM! [Finishes Red Bull, smashes can on head, runs out the door]
Coach Brewster, I'd like to introduce you to Shawn
FIGHT FIGHT TRY FIGHT PASADENA WIN kind sir, I am going to need to meet that quarterback...