HELLO PEOPLE THIS IS MR. PATERNO, THANK YOU, I AM LEARNING INTERNET IT APPEARS THAT DASTARDLY SPANIARD OOPS POW SURPRISE IS AWAY FROM HIS DESK AT THE MOMENT, THOUGH WE HAVE PLENTY TO DISCUSS FOR EXAMPLE, IT APPEARS THAT A MIAMI UNIVERSITY LINEMAN IS THE VILEST OF VILLAINS, ATTEMPTING TO SMOTHER A WOMAN IN HER SLEEP WITH HER OWN PILLOW THAT REMINDS ME OF A TIME WHEN I WAS COACHING THE PENN STATE NITTANY LIONS CLUB DO YOU GET IT, LIONS CLUB
(audible sigh) BOBBY ENGRAM AND I WERE CELEBRATING ANOTHER VICTORY AGAINST THE HATED PITTSBURGH PANTHERS OH THAT REMINDS ME, THE PITTSBURGH PANTHERS ARE EVEN WORSE NOW, SO IF YOU HAWK’S-EYED INGRATES DO NOT DEFEAT THEM BY FOUR TOUCHDOWNS, YOU DESERVE TO BE DROWNED ANYWAY WE EACH TOOK IN SEVEN SCOTCH AND SODAS, OR AS WE CALL THE LIBATION UP IN PENNSYLVANIA, THE DIRTY RAPSCALLION NEITHER ONE OF US WAS REMOTELY CAPABLE OF DRIVING AFTER SO MANY DIRTY RAPSCALLIONS, SO WE DECIDED TO STEAL A SINGLE-PROP FROM THE LOCAL AIRSTRIP LONG STORY SHORT, WE CRASHED SHORTLY AFTER TAKEOFF INTO A PILLOW FACTORY, WHERE WE LANDED ON THE MERCHANDISE AND WERE UNHARMED THE CHILDREN VISITING THE FACTORY WERE NOT SO LUCKY A BEAR ATE THEM
Mr. Paterno, Pootie Tang is on line two, they want their gag back. THANK YOU. SPEAKING OF GETTING HORRENDOUSLY DRUNK, TWO DUKE FOOTBALL PLAYERS WERE THROWN INTO FEDERAL PRISON FOR UNPRECEDENTED LEVELS OF INTOXICATION I DON’T SEE WHAT THIS WORLD IS COMING TO BACK WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE, THE SOBER STUDENTS WERE ROUTINELY ROUNDED UP AND SHOT WITH MUSKETS FILLED WITH CHICKPEAS. WE CALLED IT GLEE CLUB AND THERE WAS NO SHAME IN A MAN’S INVOLVEMENT. THAT WAS BEFORE GLEE WAS A SYNONYM FOR THE SODOMY THAT REMINDS ME OF A JOKE
It’s 7:30 in the evening and I have many, many better things to do than transcribe your jokes. Can I go home? NO A PRIEST AND A RABBIT ARE IN A BAR You mean rabbi? NO, JUST THE ONE THE PRIEST TURNS TO THE JEW AND SAYS, "I FEEL THE POWER OF THE LORD INSIDE OF ME" AND THE RABBIT SAYS You mean rabbi. A rabbi is like a Jewish preacher. A rabbit is SILENCE, YOU LOUD-MOUTHED QUEEN OF LIES. SOME MEMBERS OF THE HARE FAMILY ARE DESCENDED FROM JUDEA … AS I WAS SAYING, THE RABBIT SAYS, "OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID ‘IN SODOMY’" THE PREACHER SAYS, "NO, ‘INSIDE OF ME.’ THE BIBLE SPECIFICIALLY AND REPEATEDLY PROHIBITS SODOMY" THEN THE RABBIT SAYS "YES I KNOW, WHAT YOU CALL THE OLD TESTAMENT IS A SACRED TEXT TO THE JEWISH AS WELL" THEN THE BARTENDER SAYS, "THAT RABBIT IS A WITCH, RABBITS DON’T TALK" THE END (muffled weeping) YOUR TEARS OF ANGUISH REMIND ME EXQUISITELY OF THE OHIO STATE FANS REACTING TO TOMMY TUBERVILLE’S COMMENTS ABOUT THOSE AWFUL UNDERPERFORMERS OHIO STATE FANS ARE THE CHILDREN OF THE BIG TEN, RIGHT DOWN TO THE CROCS AND BED-WETTING THEY ARE TO HIGH IQ’S WHAT STEVE BELLISARI WAS TO THROWING A FOOTBALL MISERABLE ALSO, IT TURNS OUT THE STORY ABOUT THE MIAMI LINEMAN WAS GROSSLY, HORRIBLY OVERSTATED, AND SOMEBODY SHOULD PROBABLY LOSE THEIR JOB OVER LACK OF JOURNALISTIC INTEGRITY LAST, YOU GET TO TALK TO ME, ESPN, AND MY GOOD FRIEND JIMINY CHRISTMAS AT THE FAN’S HOUSE; THEY DID NOT ALLOW SECRETARY IN THEIR HALLOWED HALLS God DAMN it.
FRET NOT, SECRETARY, WE FOUND A REPLACEMENT FOR YOU
Hi!
Double god damn it! THAT’S ALL FOR NOW. I AM TOLD THAT THE UNTRUSTWORTHY HAWKEYE STATE HAS SOMETHING TO TELL YOU LATER, ALTHOUGH UNLESS IT IS AN APOLOGY FOR HIS SPANIARD BLOOD, YOU SHOULD NOT LISTEN TO HIM GOODBYE IOWA FOOTBALL HOW DO I TURN OFF INTERNET SECRETARY, MAKE THIS STOP SECRETARYYY