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We have some bad news to pass along, readers. Something near and dear to us is gone, never ever to return.

That something is Iowa's formerly open policy on Facebook, Myspace, and Friendster (the only Iowa athlete on Friendster? Dan "gerous" Bohall. The Danimal.). The university is cracking down on inappropriate content, and that makes us sad.

Very sad.

"This is an initial policy intended to get to the egregious," said Bill Hines, a law professor who helped craft the policy. "This policy represents a good first step."

An athletics administrator — not coaches — will monitor the public-only sites on a random basis. All student-athletes must sign the policy before competing. Policy violation could mean penalties through the department's code-of-conduct policy.

Well, what sort of things would constitute a violation? We certainly hope the rules will still allow the young men to act as college students usually--aw shit:

Things the athletics department will target include partial or total nudity, sexual misconduct, underage alcohol consumption, use of illegal drugs, hazing and obscene gestures. Fred Mims, Iowa's associate athletics director for student services and compliance, acknowledges some of the violations are ambiguous. He said he will investigate them on a "case-by-case" basis.

In other words, when Trey Stross uses his own head as a bong [is that even anatomically possible?--ed.] [your mom is.--OPS] [sigh.--ed], we won't be able to see pictures of it on facebook. Terrible shame. Fortunately, "poor fashion choices" is not on the banned list, so The J.R. Angle Experience is in no danger.

J.R. wears his sunglasses at night.

"What we're concerned about is creating inappropriate material on a site that the public can access and associate with the athletic program," Hines said.

Though this is technically good for the University, it is horrible, awful, no good for the impish evil that dwells in our Black Hearts. They do what they have to do. Fine. We will hold a funeral forthwith, and Slash will rip through a guitar solo outside. These things happen.

This is for you, CBI.

Now go. Go. We don't want you to see us cry. Sniffle.