(Background here, here, here, here, and here)
Folks, this is Don King, boxing promoter extraordinaire. I've been in retirement now for a couple of years, enjoying my home in Boca and my condo in Vegas, all PURCHASED with the PROCEEDS of the PUGILISTIC POWER of IRON MIKE TYSON. ONLY IN AMERICA, BABY!
But recent events have led me to RECONSIDER my RATIONALE for RETIRING from the ROCK-'EM SOCK-'EM, ROCK-A-TILL-YOU-A-DROP-A world of fight promotion. When I left, there wasn't a heavyweight fight on the earth that could draw a crowd. Tyson was finished. Holyfield was ancient. Foreman was sellin' grills. But now, there's a juicy fight A-BREWIN' and it has me A-STEWIN'. Don't call it a comeback, 'cause I've been here for years, baby. ONLY IN AMERICA!
This summer, Trump Taj Mahal, Atlantic City New Jersey. It's the fight we've all been waiting for. It's the DARKER HUE OF RED ON A ROLL versus the MICHIGAN MAN WHO CAN'T SHUT HIS HOLE!
It's the MAN WHOSE FACE COULD USE A GOOD SHAVIN' versus the MAN WHO HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO DEFEND NICK SABAN!
It's THE HOME STATE OF THE GUY WHO BROUGHT YOU "THRILLER" versus THE QUARTERBACK WHO SOUNDS LIKE A SERIAL KILLER!
It's AN ELEPHANT DRIVING CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT versus RICH RODRIGUEZ ON A SIX-YEAR COMMITMENT!
It's A COLLEGE ADMINISTRATION TOO TIGHT IN THE RECTUM versus HIS S.A.T. SCORE IS SINGLE DIGITS, GO AHEAD AND ACCEPT 'IM!
It's THREE YARDS AND A CLOUD OF DUST versus MIKE PRICE SCREAMING "ROLL TIDE" INTO A STRIPPER'S BUST!
It's HASN'T BEATEN OHIO STATE SINCE ABOUT 1997 versus HASN'T BEEN RELEVANT SINCE BEAR BRYANT WENT TO HEAVEN!*
Get ready America, because DON KING, the KING OF SWING, the KING OF THE RING, the KING OF BLING, is coming out of retirement to bring you the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY! This summer, it's MGOBLOG! It's ROLL BAMA ROLL! It's THE WAR BY THE SHORE!
* -- Before you start, yes, I know Michigan beat Ohio State in 2003, and I know Alabama won a championship with Stallings in 1992. You try to come up with some good Don King-isms.