We find Mr. Paterno seated with Athletic Director Tim Curley in a meeting room, flanked on either side by an attentative board of regents. Mr. Paterno is gazing anxiously at the wall clock and is visibly impatient. It is the afternoon, after all, and spring practices have begun. Nonetheless, business beckons.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, MR. CURLEY
We're glad you could make it, Mr. Paterno. Obviously, this is a delicate situation, with your contract and all.
I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY. YOU AND THE REGENTS GET ALL WORKED UP OVER MONEY EVERY YEAR
Well, Joe, it's just
MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU
Coach
MR. PATERNO WILL BE FINE, THANK YOU
I've known you for decades, Joe
MR. PATERNO WILL
Would you cut it out?!
BE FINE, THANK YOU
Okay, Mr. Paterno, let's
THANK YOU
...let's talk about the contract. As you're probably aware, we're not particularly interested in extending yours much longer
It... it is? So you don't mind if we replace you before, say, 2010?
ON THAT WE WILL DISAGREE SHARPLY, AND BY THAT I MEAN I WILL BE INSERTING A SWORDFISH INTO YOUR STERNUM
But, you just said yourself that
I DON'T GIVE ONE WHIT WHAT YOU PAY ME, YOU MONGOLOID, AND I DON'T CARE IF THERE'S A PIECE OF PAPER THAT SAYS I'M LEGALLY ALLOWED TO BE ON THAT SIDELINE OR NOT, BUT YOU WILL NOT TEAR ME AWAY FROM THIS PROGRAM UNTIL I AM GOOD AND GODDAMN READY, WHICH I SHOULD REITERATE WOULD BE NEVER
Guys, I can hang up if you want
WHO IS THAT AND HOW IS HE THROWING HIS VOICE INTO THIS ROOM. I SUSPECT IT'S THE WORK OF BLACK MAGICKS
Calm down, Jo--Mr. Paterno. It's
THANK YOU
...it's Greg Schiano, head coach over at Rutgers. We were hoping you two could come to a mutual agreement on a succession plan.
I'VE GOT A GREAT PLAN, IT'S CALLED HOW ABOUT GREG SCHIANO DOESN'T SET FOOT IN THIS STATE IF HE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM AND HIS FAMILY
Easy, Joe. I'm not taking your job away from you.
YOU LEARN VERY QUICKLY, I COULD USE A GUY LIKE YOU AROUND HERE AFTER I LEAVE
What do you mean you're not--Christ, Greg, why even bother with the conference call?
Bill told me there were some mighty fine benefits to being courted for the job. That's up for debate.
What?
GREG, LISTEN VERY CLOSELY, DO NOT PULL ENGAGE MRS. CURLEY IN RELATIONS
Thank you, Mr. Pater
SHE IS UNTAMED IN THE WORST POSSIBLE LOCATIONS
Heh. Not anymore.
JESUS YOUNG MAN, WHAT DID YOU USE, A MACHETE?
For crying out loud.
A half hour with a set of clippers and three quarters of a tube of shaving cream. Can't say the process was a lot of fun, but the end result was
Can we stop this? Please?!
...also not worth it.
TIM, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT YOUR WIFE'S GIANT THIGHS
No shit.
I'm going to hang this phone up. This call is over.
Not before I get your credit card number, this box spring is ruined.
AND HERE I WAS ASKING ABOUT IF HE SHAVED YOUR WIFE'S MUSTACHE. SHE'S A PICKELHAUBE AWAY FROM PROFESSIONALLY IMPERSONATING A KAISER. A PICKELHAUBE IS THE HELMET WITH THE POINT ON TOP COMMONLY ASSOCIATED WITH GERMAN AND PRUSSIAN MILITARY MEMBERS OF THE 18TH CENTURY. I TRIED QUITE UNSUCCESSFULLY TO INTEGRATE THEM INTO THE COLLEGE GAME FORTY YEARS AGO, AND THOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO TELL YOU THAT WE WILL MISS THOSE FALLEN SOLDIERS, THE TRUTH IS THAT THEY'RE PITT, AND THE 56-POINT VICTORY MARGIN WOULD BE MY LARGEST FOR DECADES. ALL IN ALL IT WAS A WORTHWHILE EXPERIENCE
We play Pitt on a yearly basis, Joe. They are awful.
THEY CERTAINLY ARE
Okay, that's enough of that. (hangs up phone)
GOD DAMN IT, SHORT AND CURLEY. THAT WAS MY FIRST WORTHWHILE CONVERSATION IN DECADES
I know, but that had to stop. I'm going to the bathroom. I know you have practice to deal with in a bit, but please stay for 5 minutes. (leaves)
MAY I SING TO PASS THE TIME
TRICK QUESTION, I ASK PERMISSION FROM NOBODY
F
E
R
G
A
ring ring ring
WHAT IN GOD'S NAME
I'll get that, Joe. It's a call coming in.
YES, THIS IS TIM CURLEY, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU
Hey, it's Ed. We have a problem.
OH, DO TELL
Well, we seem to have a problem. You know Stanley Pringle, right?
HIS POTATO SNACKS HAVE KEPT ME AWAKE ON MANY A NIGHT, AND HIS MUSTACHE REMINDS ME OF MY WIFE'S
What?! Oh come on, Joe, put Tim on the line.
TIM IS IN THE BATHROOM ON ACCOUNT OF HIS FOOTBALL-SIZED PROSTATE
Sigh... fine. Maybe you can help.
DO TELL. I AM WELL VERSED IN THE ART OF PLAYER DISCIPLINE
I don't really think you are, Joe, you've killed dozens of players with your bare hands. I think you ate a few.
NOT DOZENS
Anyway... we had a kid get arrested in the library last night.
FOR ARSON?
No, no, nothing that destructive
GOD DAMN IT, IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ARSON
He, uh... he was arrested for masturbating.
WHAT
What?
Yeah.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I know.
STANLEY PRINGLE WAS ARRESTED FOR MILKING HIMSELF IN A LIBRARY
Yes.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!
What's so funny?
STANLEY PRINGLE IS A PUBLIC MASTURBATOR
He must have thought it was a "Pubic Library!"
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
(to be continued...)