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Brennan Carroll: Office Special Teams Coach

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In case you don't get the reference, and really, nobody does

Morning, Ruth. Morning, Josh.

Goooood morning, Sherri.

How bout this weather! Ha, ha! No kidding, where was this in March?!

Whoo. 8:15 is toooo early. Whoo.

Just need a hit of coffee. Hey, Claire.

[sip]

[siiiiiiiiip]

WHOOOOOOOO!!! AAAAAAARRRRGH!!!! AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! IT'S FUCKING ON! FUCK YOU!

LET'S DO THIS! I FUCKING LOVE YOU! THIS IS THE BEST DAY YOU'LL EVER LIVE AND I AM RIGHT BEHIND YOU! FUCK YOU AND FUCKING HUSTLE FOR FUCKING ONCE! THIS IS IT!

SHERRY! Sherry, I need you to work your fucking ass off today, okay?! OKAY?! DID YOU ITEMIZE THE INTEREST?! DID YOU?!?! ON THE WAMU ACCOUNT, GODDAMMIT, GET ON IT RIGHT NOW AND GET IT PERFECT BECAUSE THIS IS NO MOTHERFUCKING JOKE! I FUCKING LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU! THIS FUCKING MATTERS RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, LEAVE IT ALL OUT HERE!

WHO THE FUCK HAS THE BALLS TO BE A FUCKING GUNNER?!

Setgo!

Walt. WALT. Are--are you walking over to my cubicle?! HUSTLE! HUSTLE! GO! LOOK AT THIS FUCKING FAX! READ IT! TELL ME WHAT IT SAYS!

YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT THE FIRST LINE IS HARD TO READ!!!! USE THE D17 FORM TO REQUEST A REFAX, EXCEL FILLS IN 90% OF IT FOR YOU, FUCKING SEND IT BY 9 OR SIT YOUR ASS ON THE FUCKING CURB!!!!!

WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!

Nice move, nice move, NICE BREAK! FUCKING GO HARD! RIGHT TO THE BATHROOM!!! FAT GUY OR LESBIAN, WHICH FUCKING ONE ARE YOU?! YOUR TITS ARE IN YOUR ARMPITS AND YOUR HAIR'S SHORT!!! TWO BREAKS A DAY, TOPS! FUCKING MEAN IT WHEN YOU GO! FUCK ME, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A FAT GUY, YOU'RE IN THE FUCKING WOMEN'S ROOM! SHAVE FOR FUCKING ONCE! THIS IS WORK! DO IT! GO!

DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME! THIS ISN'T DANCING WITH THE STARS! WE'RE IN THE FUCKING ELEVATOR! PERSONAL FUCKING BUBBLES! THIS IS U-S-FUCKING-B! OR I-N-FUCKING-G! WHATEVER! WE'RE A FUCKING ACRONYM!

I'm not seeing a lot right now. I'm going to find a way to find our next district manager.

JAN, WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NAME IS THAT FOR A MAN, THAT'S SHORT FOR JANICE!!! OH, A SOFT J, LIKE JAN STENERUD! WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT?!?!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?! ARE YOU NORWEGIAN?? OH, YOU'RE FROM FINLAND???? SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE FINNISH! FINNISH! FINNISH! FINNISH!!!!!!!

That skirt is way too tight for you. Way too tight. You're a size 8, Nikki, accept it.

Sue--are you using a pencil?! Are you KIDDING ME?! I FUCKING LOVE YOU ALL! PUT THE FUCKING PENCIL DOWN AND USE A GROWNUP PEN OR SIT THE FUCK OUT AND GO JOIN ACCOUNT-TEMPS OR SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Let's go LET'S GO! LET'S OPEN OUTLOOK! mouse. FUCKING DOUBLE CLICK! Boom. Mouse, mouse, mouse, mouse. CLICK!

WHO FUCKING DIDN'T FILL THE COFFEE?! STICK AND MOVE! LET'S GO! FUCKING DO THIS! TIGHT ENDS OVER HERE! QUIT FUCKING UP!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN DECAF?!?! YOU THINK I GIVE A SHIT?!!!?! I SNORTED THE FUCKING COFFEEMATE AND I WILL KICK YOU IN THE STERNUM!!!

Come on for once why don't you fucking MOVE! 50 PAGE PER MINUTE PRINTER MY ASS! I FUCKING LOVE YOU SO FUCKING PRINT FOR FUCKING ONCE, I FUCKING LOVE ALL YOU PRINTERS!

FUCKING BRING IT THE FUCK IN! TODAY WAS A FUCKING AWESOME DAY!!!!!

(aside: We got this.)